Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have comparable incomes (high enough for either to stay home) and split the home and kid duties. We also outsource with paid help and have local family.

My work is in a field I find really interesting and would not want to step away from. We have pretty manageable and mostly WFH hours. I feel like it's a very equal marriage which is important to me.

We have two kids.

May I ask what field?

[Anonymous]

Agree PP. Similar situation when the kids were young and we had au pairs. My husband was however very involved. I would not say efficient and wouldn’t manage the house, so yeah still frustrating, but meant well. I have a lot of friends whose husbands do jack sh*t and to be honest, the women enable it. That would NOT fly with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here:
- DH does about 40% of the household stuff. Laundry, grocery, most cooking.
- We have always made about equal salaries. Both currently over seven figures. Who wants to give that up?
- We both work from home.
- Only one kid. I mean, the kid stuff (driving too from the bus every day, some homework, a few extracurriculars) takes maybe 5 hours a week. Who needs to stay home for that? What are you doing all day?
- I love my job. I'm on a short list of probably 15 experts in a very hot field that's also socially important. People pay me $1600/hr for my expertise. I'm the most important person on every call I'm on. That feels great! The stuff I'm working on changes every hour.
- My kid is super proud of me. I've asked if he wishes I were around even more like Larlo's parent who comes for lunch 3 days a week (in 6th grade!!) and he's like, no way, you have the best of all worlds. He also loves telling people what I do.
- DH loves that I have a highly respected intellectual job. I think he really gets off on it. We always talk about our work. He would be super bored with a SAH wife, and has said as much. Sometimes I actually worry a little what happens when we retire!
- Staying at home is very unfulfilling for me. Sometimes I'll have a couple quiet days of work and I can feel the doldrums slipping in just that quickly. I need to be doing something, and not just spending money on pilates and PTO projects.
- DH and I are both looking forward to a well funded retirement when we've decided we've exhausted this phase of our lives. That will be around age 50 for me, 54 for DH. I have never understood marriages where women are okay not working for decades, while by necessity, their DHs have to keep working until age 67. How is this a partnership? Don't you want to contribute so you can both eventually retire?

Why would I quit??

Your career sounds fascinating, can you say what your field is? I am the most important person in meetings occasionally and in my rather limited sphere of influence, and I gotta say, I do enjoy that a little bit (while also doing my best to be worthy of it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a boss once who was a lawyer (in hose GC of a global company) and super successful. Wife was also a lawyer, and she stopped working and stayed home with their 2 kids. I saw her advising him on several occasions and this I think makes sense bc he was able to be twice as effective as another person but likely pulled down 5x the income due to his success as they would have individually. Smart couple.

Sure, if the goal is to make the max amount of money total as a couple. But that's not how I'd want the chips to fall.

- also a two-lawyer couple, we both work and have decent work-life balance jobs and accept the total comp hit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a professional body of work and academic reputation that is mine. I enjoy making contributions to my field and moving forward the scholarship in my field of study. How is this even a question? Really?

I know. Just the way this question in the title is phrased is so depressing to me. Luckily doesn't describe my social circle at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

You sound so smug and delusional. Neurological conditions? There are only so many hours in the day. You can’t be a good parent and a good BigLaw partner at the same time. Something has to give. You’re delegating and delegating. Sure, a lady can clean your toilets well enough, but a nanny/au pair is not going to love your kid the way a parent does.

Some people, men and women, value parenting more than they value boardrooms. It’s okay to make the choices you’ve made, but don’t kid yourself that they don’t come at a huge cost, one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all relative.

My DH makes close to 400K once you factor in bonuses and stock gifts while I make about 70K.

Do we need my income? No.

Would we have bought our house and be taking the same vacations and spending/saving the same if I didn't work? Absolutely not.

Wait. What do we mean by “make enough money that you can stay at home?” I thought it meant that the things above (house, vacation, etc) wouldn’t change.
My husband makes about $450k. If you take out what we pay for my income taxes, we spend about $350k.
Nothing changes when I work or don’t work except that I’m not home as much.

If you can’t afford your mortgage without your job, then I would say that your partner does not make enough for you to SAH.

Yea I was thinking this. Mind you we live in nyc but $400k is not enuf for someone to stay home.

I mean it’s all relative right? To me unless you can afford to help all your kids with a down payment on their first house and pay all their college tuition - no one can afford to stay home

Pp who you quoted. I guess I don’t really agree with you. Maybe it’s a cultural thing.

I don’t work for the money. I give a lot of it away or we save it. I don’t think that people need to work themselves to death until they have enough to pay their kids college tuition. I have a good friend/coworker who is divorced, and often on her weekends without the kids she stays home or visits friends. She doesn’t pick up extra shifts. She is paying child support and alimony, and I knkw she can’t afford all of their college tuition, and that seems fine to me. People need to do what works for them. You don’t have to be working or caring for children constantly in order to justify your existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

That’s what Kevin Costner’s wife said. She was bought and paid for like a transaction. He held the purse strings and the power. Nah, I think I’ll keep my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have comparable incomes (high enough for either to stay home) and split the home and kid duties. We also outsource with paid help and have local family.

My work is in a field I find really interesting and would not want to step away from. We have pretty manageable and mostly WFH hours. I feel like it's a very equal marriage which is important to me.

We have two kids.

May I ask what field?

We're both lawyers (but have left biglaw).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

You sound so smug and delusional. Neurological conditions? There are only so many hours in the day. You can’t be a good parent and a good BigLaw partner at the same time. Something has to give. You’re delegating and delegating. Sure, a lady can clean your toilets well enough, but a nanny/au pair is not going to love your kid the way a parent does.

Some people, men and women, value parenting more than they value boardrooms. It’s okay to make the choices you’ve made, but don’t kid yourself that they don’t come at a huge cost, one way or another.

Some people are not able to manage both. Really it’s okay. Clearly you should not be balancing both with your negative attitude. You just see problems. You _have- to think that no BigLaw partner could be a good parent. Easiest way to justify not wanting to stay in BigLaw or that you were never going to make partner anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

You sound so smug and delusional. Neurological conditions? There are only so many hours in the day. You can’t be a good parent and a good BigLaw partner at the same time. Something has to give. You’re delegating and delegating. Sure, a lady can clean your toilets well enough, but a nanny/au pair is not going to love your kid the way a parent does.

Some people, men and women, value parenting more than they value boardrooms. It’s okay to make the choices you’ve made, but don’t kid yourself that they don’t come at a huge cost, one way or another.

Smug and delusional? Huh, quite an insult in the same post where you say it’s not possible to be a good parent and a BigLaw partner. I was at BigLaw for a long time and there are a lot of AH and workaholics. But are all of them bad parents? Of course not.

[Anonymous]

I’m not just a Mom. I have interests and a career that I enjoy. I want it all and work to have it. I am entitled just like a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not just a Mom. I have interests and a career that I enjoy. I want it all and work to have it. I am entitled just like a man.

YAASS! Queem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

How do you know?

How many stories do you need to read where the SAHM thought she would get the $10MM and ended up getting royally screwed.

Just make sure you are the one doing the divorcing and start moving assets in advance.