This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

So you listed out you do the pink jobs and he does the blue jobs and your daughters see that. Yeah maintain the patriarchy and call it division of labor.

If the branches in the back of the house don’t get trimmed it’s not a big deal. But your subscribe and save doesn’t work what happens.

If he died or divorce you could you fix it and figure it out. Do your kids see that? How do they see that.

I do see so many people frustrated w dumb shit like cleaning - hire someone and don’t eat out once a week and then you don’t fight about.

Are you showing your kids how to be resilient. I hate gardening so I don’t have a garden. But I have a hot water heater, I know how to turn off the water if there is a leak to call a plumber, I know the questions to ask her when she comes over, I know how to survive w no water for a day. My kid sees this.

DP but you sound unhinged. Maybe stop teaching your own kids that your so-called “pink jobs” are lesser than the “blue jobs”. Your attitude is what is really upholding the patriarchy.

And FWIW, you’ll realize that keeping the trees trimmed was actually more important than the subscribe and save the next derecho blows through and a falling branch destroys part of your roof…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again OP is scared to take a stand because it could lead to her being single (gasp and clutch pearls).

Is she married because of a social need or a financial need? Social meaning she feels like a failure or shame from being divorced. Financial she worries she won’t get the big house or material things if not married to him.

It’s quite obvious he isn’t providing emotional needs.

And he makes dinner once a week. Wow! I didn’t realize there were two days in a week. He helps w homework - he’s supposed to.

Or worse, single and coparenting with a ManChild like that.
Children calling you for help, lost items at his place, krap food on Dad Day, missed appts and practices because who cares, traffic accidents on vacation trips, and so on.

Yes let’s pity a woman who scrambled her dna w a man child.

She could put on her big girl panties and take charge. Are the kids infants? Will they die if they have donuts for breakfast? Will they die if they don’t have vegetables on dad’s day. What if omg what if he gives them full fat milk? The horror.

And kids calling her for things? Really? Has she trained everyone that only she knows where things is. Who made that standard. It’s his day- let him answer the question why bunny bear is not in the backpack, or where the toothpaste is.

The school can deal w him showing up late. The kids can complain to him when they miss soccer games. And will he really do that when he knows there is no net. He won’t rise to the occasion.

The perpetual victimhood of women who made their own bed their way because they couldn’t relinquish control to make it any other way or because being married was more important than the kind of person they married is really pathetic and tired.

Er, why even have a child if you don’t want to commit to feeding them food that actually helps them grow, take them to school, and generally help them out? Like I literally don’t understand why some men have kids. They should just get a goldfish. That’s about their level of ability to care for another living being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take a different approach to this. I’d buy some labels or painters tape (and a sharpie) and I’d label the cleaning products. I.e. toilet, sink, mirror/windows. I’d set it up so that he could easily determine the purpose of each product, even when I am not present. I’d also create a list of foods that my kid could eat. In bold at top, DC needs three items on their plate. Choose one from: list main items. Choose two from: list fruit, veggies, other smaller items. Text it to him and tape it inside a kitchen cabinet where the plates are kept. I understand that it is more work initially, and it can be frustrating that you have to do this, but I’d address it by letting him know that I made it easy for him. I’d also just let the vacuuming go. I’m also a big believer in praise. If he does then clean the bathroom, or feed your child a balanced meal, thank him. Praise him. I anticipate that people are going to jump on this and say that it is ridiculous that you have to praise him for doing something he should be doing, but I do believe that you get more flies with honey! I know that when my husband thanks me for doing things for the family, it makes me feel good. I hope this helps.

I’ve never understood this phrase because I try to kill every fly I see.

[Anonymous]

This is either an executive functioning disorder or he is really, really good at squelching his away out of responsibility. Both are difficult to manage in a man-child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

So you listed out you do the pink jobs and he does the blue jobs and your daughters see that. Yeah maintain the patriarchy and call it division of labor.

If the branches in the back of the house don’t get trimmed it’s not a big deal. But your subscribe and save doesn’t work what happens.

If he died or divorce you could you fix it and figure it out. Do your kids see that? How do they see that.

I do see so many people frustrated w dumb shit like cleaning - hire someone and don’t eat out once a week and then you don’t fight about.

Are you showing your kids how to be resilient. I hate gardening so I don’t have a garden. But I have a hot water heater, I know how to turn off the water if there is a leak to call a plumber, I know the questions to ask her when she comes over, I know how to survive w no water for a day. My kid sees this.

DP but you sound unhinged. Maybe stop teaching your own kids that your so-called “pink jobs” are lesser than the “blue jobs”. Your attitude is what is really upholding the patriarchy.

And FWIW, you’ll realize that keeping the trees trimmed was actually more important than the subscribe and save the next derecho blows through and a falling branch destroys part of your roof…

Points out that you call it division of labor when the reality is you divided the labor up along 1950s standards = unhinged

Guess you never examined that part of your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would follow his lead and “not know” how to do certain chores until things feel even. Babe I “can’t” do your laundry, I always mess it up. “Forget” how to make food he likes—if he complains say “I’m sorry, I just can’t seem to get it right.” Stop doing things that benefit him until the chores are balanced again.

Well, OP said her husband cooks and does laundry so that won’t work here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just checking in to say thank you for this thread and another reminder to be joyful that I never married or had kids with any of the manbabies who tried to snare me as their cum hole and housekeeper/life manager.

I hate to tell you ladies, but being single and free of all this BS is really quite wonderful!

Being married to a great man is even better! Weird that you’d come on here trying to make yourself feel better. You seem really happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would follow his lead and “not know” how to do certain chores until things feel even. Babe I “can’t” do your laundry, I always mess it up. “Forget” how to make food he likes—if he complains say “I’m sorry, I just can’t seem to get it right.” Stop doing things that benefit him until the chores are balanced again.

Well, OP said her husband cooks and does laundry so that won’t work here.

He cooks one day a week. So his idea of what he’s supposed to contribute is hyper flawed

[Anonymous]

https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/

yep

But I should "honey/trick/cajole" him with these things to get him to do what I want instead of saying "I want you to do the same amoutn of meal planning I do. I want you to follow the diet the doctor's office gave us for Larla."

You could have a conversation with him or you could come here and ask strangers who didn't marry him; don't know him socially; don't know his parents; his traumas; his job etc so you can make excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

So you listed out you do the pink jobs and he does the blue jobs and your daughters see that. Yeah maintain the patriarchy and call it division of labor.

If the branches in the back of the house don’t get trimmed it’s not a big deal. But your subscribe and save doesn’t work what happens.

If he died or divorce you could you fix it and figure it out. Do your kids see that? How do they see that.

I do see so many people frustrated w dumb shit like cleaning - hire someone and don’t eat out once a week and then you don’t fight about.

Are you showing your kids how to be resilient. I hate gardening so I don’t have a garden. But I have a hot water heater, I know how to turn off the water if there is a leak to call a plumber, I know the questions to ask her when she comes over, I know how to survive w no water for a day. My kid sees this.

DP but you sound unhinged. Maybe stop teaching your own kids that your so-called “pink jobs” are lesser than the “blue jobs”. Your attitude is what is really upholding the patriarchy.

And FWIW, you’ll realize that keeping the trees trimmed was actually more important than the subscribe and save the next derecho blows through and a falling branch destroys part of your roof…

Points out that you call it division of labor when the reality is you divided the labor up along 1950s standards = unhinged

Guess you never examined that part of your life

Explain what exactly is wrong with this particular division of labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

So you listed out you do the pink jobs and he does the blue jobs and your daughters see that. Yeah maintain the patriarchy and call it division of labor.

If the branches in the back of the house don’t get trimmed it’s not a big deal. But your subscribe and save doesn’t work what happens.

If he died or divorce you could you fix it and figure it out. Do your kids see that? How do they see that.

I do see so many people frustrated w dumb shit like cleaning - hire someone and don’t eat out once a week and then you don’t fight about.

Are you showing your kids how to be resilient. I hate gardening so I don’t have a garden. But I have a hot water heater, I know how to turn off the water if there is a leak to call a plumber, I know the questions to ask her when she comes over, I know how to survive w no water for a day. My kid sees this.

DP but you sound unhinged. Maybe stop teaching your own kids that your so-called “pink jobs” are lesser than the “blue jobs”. Your attitude is what is really upholding the patriarchy.

And FWIW, you’ll realize that keeping the trees trimmed was actually more important than the subscribe and save the next derecho blows through and a falling branch destroys part of your roof…

Also have you added up the hours of work you do vs. him.

Setting up the internet - 5 minutes; the internet companies have designed it so a 5th grader can do it. But once its set its done; yard work (from March to October - but I suppose that includes shoveling the snow); car stuff as you said you can take it to the repair shop; is he changing your oil and saving you $30 every three months? How often do you grill - once a week; does he buy the meat for it - so is he making dinner once a week or is he standing in front a grill; grilling meat you bought for 20 minutes while you are inside making sides and a salad and then doing the clean up because he stood in the outside for 20 minutes?

You are dealing with your daughters wants and needs; body issues (hopefully they don't have them); ordering clothes or going shopping; trying things on; returning things; dealing with what they like vs. what you think is appropriate). Subscribe and save should be easy but if they are out of something do you then go to the store or spend 20 minutes to find the replacement item.

Yeah I'm unhinged but maybe I have a lot of leisure time to add up the hours of work you do; vs. the amount of time you are research a stain removal solution. He btw is not grilling today so is he ordering pizza?

[Anonymous]

OP - go away
Go away, just you, regularly, for several days at a time.

[Anonymous]

don't make it a big deal. Don't make it a big announcement, or focus. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just checking in to say thank you for this thread and another reminder to be joyful that I never married or had kids with any of the manbabies who tried to snare me as their cum hole and housekeeper/life manager.

I hate to tell you ladies, but being single and free of all this BS is really quite wonderful!

Being married to a great man is even better! Weird that you’d come on here trying to make yourself feel better. You seem really happy.

Great men are like unicorns.

I don’t come here to make myself feel better, although reading here does quickly dissipate any feelings of FOMO I might ever feel about never marrying. It’s a trap for women.

I’m working on a thesis on misogyny as manifest in the unequal division of labor in American marriages in the early 21st century after 50+ years of the second wave of the women’s movement. This place is rich with anecdotal material to supplement more formal studies of the phenomenon.

Women are getting the shaft.