This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

Is mom free to do all those things too? Can she also just start feeding the kid a bowl of cereal every meal and do away with the doctors and nutritionist’s advice?

Yes! The medical professionals are brought in because the kid is a picky eater not because of a medical reason

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could get OP’s DH on here to vent about all the stupid sh!t SHE does, or areas in which she acts incompetent or helpless. Because guess what, he has a list of grievances as well. As do all the husbands of the self-righteous women on here telling OP how much this man sucks.

This is the funniest part about DCUM. All the wives are absolutely perfect and it's only husbands who are incompetent or need to improve.

If we could have done better, we would have!

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work?

[Anonymous]

I would take a different approach to this. I’d buy some labels or painters tape (and a sharpie) and I’d label the cleaning products. I.e. toilet, sink, mirror/windows. I’d set it up so that he could easily determine the purpose of each product, even when I am not present. I’d also create a list of foods that my kid could eat. In bold at top, DC needs three items on their plate. Choose one from: list main items. Choose two from: list fruit, veggies, other smaller items. Text it to him and tape it inside a kitchen cabinet where the plates are kept. I understand that it is more work initially, and it can be frustrating that you have to do this, but I’d address it by letting him know that I made it easy for him. I’d also just let the vacuuming go. I’m also a big believer in praise. If he does then clean the bathroom, or feed your child a balanced meal, thank him. Praise him. I anticipate that people are going to jump on this and say that it is ridiculous that you have to praise him for doing something he should be doing, but I do believe that you get more flies with honey! I know that when my husband thanks me for doing things for the family, it makes me feel good. I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

So when he says "he doesn't know how to feed her," what do you say and what is his response? I was originally assuming he was acting in good faith but clearly he is not.

I'll say "did you check the list/look in the bin?" And he'll say "oh yeah that didn't occur to me."

Then he'll look at the list and/or look in the bin, and he'll say to DD "okay what do you want, do you want rice and peanut sauce?" And she'll say no and he'll look at me and say "I don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to give her."

It's maddening.

How old is your child? If mine said no to an offer then I would say ok, what would you like? I'm not going to keep coming up with ideas. (Another option is to just make X and that's what is being eaten at that meal...)

In your situation above, I'd have said, I don't know, figure it out the two of you and walked away.

[Anonymous]

OP here and these responses are wild. I don't have some huge, fundamental issue. This is something he does *sometimes* that annoys/confuses me because he's generally a very competent person. The specific examples I gave are not even really the issue (I know the food thing is frustrating because I also get really exhausted with that, the cleaning stuff doesn't annoy me that much).

More I'm just wondering why causes an adult to feign incompetence and was wondering if this is what people mean by "weaponized incompetence" because I do suspect it's how he chooses to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do. There are things I don't want to do, too. But I don't pretend I'm incapable. I say "ugh, this is my least favorite thing -- can you handle and I'll do XYZ instead?" Or "I need a break from doing X, can you take that this week and I'll take it back after" or whatever.

My question wasn't about divorce (lol) or even how to handle these specific examples, but rather trying to understand this method of communication because I don't get feigned incompetence as a tactic. My sister also does this sometimes and I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

[Anonymous]

I've been reading here for a few years now and I understand why there are so many unhappy marriages and so many that are near to sexless. Who wants to have sex with a child? So many husbands act like nothing more than a stubborn, lazy teenager - gross.

The fact that so many women tolerate it, and praise their spouses for doing work that they *should* be doing, is one of the many ways we participate fully in perpetuating the patriarchy. Your sons and daughters are watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could get OP’s DH on here to vent about all the stupid sh!t SHE does, or areas in which she acts incompetent or helpless. Because guess what, he has a list of grievances as well. As do all the husbands of the self-righteous women on here telling OP how much this man sucks.

what a sad little sac of a man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could get OP’s DH on here to vent about all the stupid sh!t SHE does, or areas in which she acts incompetent or helpless. Because guess what, he has a list of grievances as well. As do all the husbands of the self-righteous women on here telling OP how much this man sucks.

My husband's grievances when were going through something similar were more like "you used to be hotter and more fun." He was aware he was not doing much at all at home, he just didn't think it was a problem, or at least not his problem. But it's true that he had grievances!

This is actually a good example. All of the otherwise perfect wives who get fat and act like it’s some unsolvable mystery. Must be menopause, or my hormones. Or the classic starvation mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

Ok, but do you act like those things you don't know anything about are beyond your understanding, or do you just say "yes, DH handles that so I haven't bothered to learn." It seems like a subtle difference but it's actually big, because in one instance you are acknowledging a division of labor and in the other you are acting helpless to avoid doing something.

It's the acting helpless/stupid, that is the problem. I have things I either don't like to do, or DH does them better than I would, or I would handle in another way that might not be to his liking. For instance, while handy with cars and carpentry, I am intimidated by plumbing and electrical and if we have issues in those areas, my attitude is that we can either hire someone or DH can handle. I am fine either way and if we hire someone, I'm happy to do it. DH prefers to try and figure it out himself by watching some YouTube videos and ordering parts online, and likes saving money this way. That's great, I support him in this. But I don't act helpless about it. In fact, I probably could also figure out how to do those things myself by watching videos and making an effort. It's just not worth it to me and if I lived alone I'd just hire someone.

This is different than standing there looking bewildered about something and waiting for your spouse to come over and do it for you. Or saying stuff like "oh, I would LOVE to be the one handling all the school stuff, but my wife is just naturally better at it," which is both a lie (actually he would not love to handle it) and also diminishes the fact that his wife actually puts effort into it and it's not just magically easy for her.

The comparison to your mom is actually an interesting one because it's common for older people to have trouble with technology, because they didn't grow up with it. I do feel sympathetic towards my mom about this, as she is like your mom. But I've also noticed that not all older people are this way, and the difference is generally not natural aptitude for technology. It's willingness to learn. My mom doesn't understand email or cell phones because, on some level, she doesn't want to. Her sister understands these things because she's decided it's worth it to her. So even though I'm sympathetic to how it must be harder to learn this stuff when the technology didn't even exist until you were in your 60s or 70s, I also think there is an element of feigned incompetence there, because it is easier for my mom to get someone else to do that stuff for her than to figure it out herself. I'm not the one doing it for her all the time (my dad, my aunt, or my brother and his wife generally are) so it doesn't bother me that much. But I do think she could figure it out if she tried.

[Anonymous]

I got out of a marriage like this. Stayed way too long. Am in a relationship with a man now who has his own home, pays his bills, cleans his house, and parents his kids. Sometimes I look at him and I just really can’t believe it. He is also the most ridiculously generous lover. It’s wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

So you listed out you do the pink jobs and he does the blue jobs and your daughters see that. Yeah maintain the patriarchy and call it division of labor.

If the branches in the back of the house don’t get trimmed it’s not a big deal. But your subscribe and save doesn’t work what happens.

If he died or divorce you could you fix it and figure it out. Do your kids see that? How do they see that.

I do see so many people frustrated w dumb shit like cleaning - hire someone and don’t eat out once a week and then you don’t fight about.

Are you showing your kids how to be resilient. I hate gardening so I don’t have a garden. But I have a hot water heater, I know how to turn off the water if there is a leak to call a plumber, I know the questions to ask her when she comes over, I know how to survive w no water for a day. My kid sees this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing.

Ok, but do you act like those things you don't know anything about are beyond your understanding, or do you just say "yes, DH handles that so I haven't bothered to learn." It seems like a subtle difference but it's actually big, because in one instance you are acknowledging a division of labor and in the other you are acting helpless to avoid doing something.

It's the acting helpless/stupid, that is the problem. I have things I either don't like to do, or DH does them better than I would, or I would handle in another way that might not be to his liking. For instance, while handy with cars and carpentry, I am intimidated by plumbing and electrical and if we have issues in those areas, my attitude is that we can either hire someone or DH can handle. I am fine either way and if we hire someone, I'm happy to do it. DH prefers to try and figure it out himself by watching some YouTube videos and ordering parts online, and likes saving money this way. That's great, I support him in this. But I don't act helpless about it. In fact, I probably could also figure out how to do those things myself by watching videos and making an effort. It's just not worth it to me and if I lived alone I'd just hire someone.

This is different than standing there looking bewildered about something and waiting for your spouse to come over and do it for you. Or saying stuff like "oh, I would LOVE to be the one handling all the school stuff, but my wife is just naturally better at it," which is both a lie (actually he would not love to handle it) and also diminishes the fact that his wife actually puts effort into it and it's not just magically easy for her.

The comparison to your mom is actually an interesting one because it's common for older people to have trouble with technology, because they didn't grow up with it. I do feel sympathetic towards my mom about this, as she is like your mom. But I've also noticed that not all older people are this way, and the difference is generally not natural aptitude for technology. It's willingness to learn. My mom doesn't understand email or cell phones because, on some level, she doesn't want to. Her sister understands these things because she's decided it's worth it to her. So even though I'm sympathetic to how it must be harder to learn this stuff when the technology didn't even exist until you were in your 60s or 70s, I also think there is an element of feigned incompetence there, because it is easier for my mom to get someone else to do that stuff for her than to figure it out herself. I'm not the one doing it for her all the time (my dad, my aunt, or my brother and his wife generally are) so it doesn't bother me that much. But I do think she could figure it out if she tried.

And again OP DH’s doesn’t act like a partner but a man child. My 5 year old also does (I don’t know to flush a toilet) incompetence but they are 5 not 50. And I don’t let them get away w that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to make "weaponized incompetence" happen, OP.

You sound more like his mom than his wife. I'd give up on you, too.

He’s made her that way, by not being a mature partner to her.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—I can be your mother or your wife, but choose carefully, because mommies don’t give their little boys bl*w jobs. Only adult men who pull their weight get that. [/quote]

no need to be crude. the point that we are trying to convey to OP is that by throwing on some sort of new-age adjective like "Weaponized" whatever = doesn't help her. she and her DH need to get into therapy or some other situation where this issues can be discussesd. throwing adjectives or descriptives around doesnt help

How is the OP’s use of “weaponized” more objectionable than your throwing around the adjective “crude?” At least be consistent. If you don’t want adjectives to be used (a very strange stance which is going to severely limit your communications) then don’t use them.