Unfriendly Classmate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OP, it's monday and the bored moms here have to take their snark out on us which they always do in very typical fashion. Ignore them. You can see it when they are saying the girl saying Hi is mean girling the freak who can't say hi back. Don't come here for real advice.

Op here. I was pretty taken aback to hear that saying good morning while still respecting the boundaries this other girl is putting in place is somehow “mean girl” behavior.

Once when DD was a bit younger, I said hi to a neighbor I didn’t know on a walk and she said “do you know them? Why did you say hi?” I told her that was the polite, kind thing to do.

Im still at a loss at how saying hello or good morning could ever be received in a negative way.

No one said your DD was being a mean girl; some folks thought she wasn't reading the room and her continued attempts to engage the other girl were rude. I disagree -- I don't think your DD is being rude. But really, no one said she was being a mean girl.

To the PP -- calling an 8 yr old a "freak" over this is not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OP, it's monday and the bored moms here have to take their snark out on us which they always do in very typical fashion. Ignore them. You can see it when they are saying the girl saying Hi is mean girling the freak who can't say hi back. Don't come here for real advice.

Op here. I was pretty taken aback to hear that saying good morning while still respecting the boundaries this other girl is putting in place is somehow “mean girl” behavior.

Once when DD was a bit younger, I said hi to a neighbor I didn’t know on a walk and she said “do you know them? Why did you say hi?” I told her that was the polite, kind thing to do.

Im still at a loss at how saying hello or good morning could ever be received in a negative way.

No one said your DD was being a mean girl; some folks thought she wasn't reading the room and her continued attempts to engage the other girl were rude. I disagree -- I don't think your DD is being rude. But really, no one said she was being a mean girl.

To the PP -- calling an 8 yr old a "freak" over this is not a good look.

Op here. Maybe it was that I was a mean girl somehow? Regardless, insinuating that she’s in the wrong by engaging in societal norms… she has read the room and has backed off quite a bit. We are literally down to “good morning” or “hi Larla” and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OP, it's monday and the bored moms here have to take their snark out on us which they always do in very typical fashion. Ignore them. You can see it when they are saying the girl saying Hi is mean girling the freak who can't say hi back. Don't come here for real advice.

Op here. I was pretty taken aback to hear that saying good morning while still respecting the boundaries this other girl is putting in place is somehow “mean girl” behavior.

Once when DD was a bit younger, I said hi to a neighbor I didn’t know on a walk and she said “do you know them? Why did you say hi?” I told her that was the polite, kind thing to do.

Im still at a loss at how saying hello or good morning could ever be received in a negative way.

No one said your DD was being a mean girl; some folks thought she wasn't reading the room and her continued attempts to engage the other girl were rude. I disagree -- I don't think your DD is being rude. But really, no one said she was being a mean girl.

To the PP -- calling an 8 yr old a "freak" over this is not a good look.

I think the very very tone deaf thing that you are doing is refusing to accept that this girl could just not like your daughter without being a “mean girl “ or something like that. They are forced into proximity to even though she’s signaling clearly that she wants to not interact with your daughter and she’s not handling it ideally. I’m a parent who requires my kids to acknowledge a greeting and they are able to do so and I agree that would be generally polite. But it’s really strange that it’s April and this is still an issue- how has your child not made peace with it? If I were you I would probably encourage my child to switch to a wave or a smile or something a little more subtle if she doesn’t like saying hi into the air. And I would really really really not get worked up about it myself - it’s virtually certain she’s feeding off you and your feedback that this is very mean behavior and that is why this is still an issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

It is not mean. Social situations can be crippling for some people. Maybe she’s known the other kids since birth.

Ignoring people is mean. What you are saying is that it might not be intentional. Which is fine, maybe it isn't.

But saying "oh this isn't rude" or "this isn't mean" is a form of gaslighting. Reaching out to someone who you know saw you and knows you are, and having them pretend you are not there? That's definitely mean. Doesn't mean you have to dissolve into a puddle of tears or hate them forever, but yes, ignoring people is mean.

I think the people in this thread are talking about two different things: intent and effect. In this situation, we have a 9-year-old girl who isn't returning her classmate's "hello" in the morning. This is clearly having a negative effect on the classmate - she feels hurt/confused - so the effect is mean or rude. However, as many PPs have pointed out, we don't know what the girl's intent is - there are a lot of examples in this thread of reasons why she's not responding that aren't based in meanness or cruelty - so we can't say that the intent is mean or rude.

I don't agree.

I think rude behavior is rude regardless of intent. This is specifically why we have manners -- to provide a guide for people to be polite. This is why it is rude to not say "please" and "thank you" even if in your own mind, you feel those things. You have to articulate them because that's the culturally agreed-upon way to express those forms of kindness. It's also why people are encouraged to say please and thank you even if they don't actually feel the sentiment behind them, in some situations. It's a shorthand that keeps people from just being total jerks to each other all the time.

So the idea that someone is magically not rude, even when doing something rude, because they "didn't mean it" doesn't work for me. It's still rude even if you weren't trying to hurt someone. You are excepting yourself from a cultural norm. You might have what you believe is a good reason for this. And also some cultural norms might change and become outdated. But if you violate the norm, you are rude even if in your heart of hearts you had the best of intentions.

I don't want to live in a world where responding to a greeting with some form of acknowledgement is totally optional in order to be considered polite. We have already become such a siloed, disconnected society. I feel like stuff like this is part of the glue keeping us together at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OP, it's monday and the bored moms here have to take their snark out on us which they always do in very typical fashion. Ignore them. You can see it when they are saying the girl saying Hi is mean girling the freak who can't say hi back. Don't come here for real advice.

Op here. I was pretty taken aback to hear that saying good morning while still respecting the boundaries this other girl is putting in place is somehow “mean girl” behavior.

Once when DD was a bit younger, I said hi to a neighbor I didn’t know on a walk and she said “do you know them? Why did you say hi?” I told her that was the polite, kind thing to do.

Im still at a loss at how saying hello or good morning could ever be received in a negative way.

No one said your DD was being a mean girl; some folks thought she wasn't reading the room and her continued attempts to engage the other girl were rude. I disagree -- I don't think your DD is being rude. But really, no one said she was being a mean girl.

To the PP -- calling an 8 yr old a "freak" over this is not a good look.

I think the very very tone deaf thing that you are doing is refusing to accept that this girl could just not like your daughter without being a “mean girl “ or something like that. They are forced into proximity to even though she’s signaling clearly that she wants to not interact with your daughter and she’s not handling it ideally. I’m a parent who requires my kids to acknowledge a greeting and they are able to do so and I agree that would be generally polite. But it’s really strange that it’s April and this is still an issue- how has your child not made peace with it? If I were you I would probably encourage my child to switch to a wave or a smile or something a little more subtle if she doesn’t like saying hi into the air. And I would really really really not get worked up about it myself - it’s virtually certain she’s feeding off you and your feedback that this is very mean behavior and that is why this is still an issue

If the other girl doesn't like OP's DD and that is specifically the reason she did not respond by saying "hi" or waving back or whatever, is actually the definition of mean girl behavior. You can not like someone and still extend them basic respect by saying hello when they say it to you.

Silent treatment and ignoring are very common mean girl tactics (I prefer the term "relational aggression" which is a lot more descriptive, plus boys do sometimes participate in this behavior).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.

Op here. The kids have known each other for years… I have tried to help DD frame it differently, but it’s starting to feel like mean behavior.

I do tell DD to not worry about it. It really didn’t bother me that much until this girl’s mom wouldn’t stop harping on about “mean girls”

The way you explain it, it's hard to understand what you're struggling with. It seems very clear cut. This family is weird so you can disengage without concern.

Yes, next time the mom says something about mean girls, say something! "I know you've mentioned that other kids are mean to Treelyn, but when my Alexalyn tries to talk to her, she gets ignored." Stop there and see what she says.

And tell your daughter that she doesn't need to worry about it, just stop trying to say hello. Explain that clearly Treelyn doesn't like to talk at the bus stop.

I understand how you feel. But zoom out and you'll see this is a non issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

Np. Saying hello isn't a problem and never has been. I think people are just telling you to have your dd STOP saying hello.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OP, it's monday and the bored moms here have to take their snark out on us which they always do in very typical fashion. Ignore them. You can see it when they are saying the girl saying Hi is mean girling the freak who can't say hi back. Don't come here for real advice.

Op here. I was pretty taken aback to hear that saying good morning while still respecting the boundaries this other girl is putting in place is somehow “mean girl” behavior.

Once when DD was a bit younger, I said hi to a neighbor I didn’t know on a walk and she said “do you know them? Why did you say hi?” I told her that was the polite, kind thing to do.

Im still at a loss at how saying hello or good morning could ever be received in a negative way.

No one said your DD was being a mean girl; some folks thought she wasn't reading the room and her continued attempts to engage the other girl were rude. I disagree -- I don't think your DD is being rude. But really, no one said she was being a mean girl.

To the PP -- calling an 8 yr old a "freak" over this is not a good look.

I think the very very tone deaf thing that you are doing is refusing to accept that this girl could just not like your daughter without being a “mean girl “ or something like that. They are forced into proximity to even though she’s signaling clearly that she wants to not interact with your daughter and she’s not handling it ideally. I’m a parent who requires my kids to acknowledge a greeting and they are able to do so and I agree that would be generally polite. But it’s really strange that it’s April and this is still an issue- how has your child not made peace with it? If I were you I would probably encourage my child to switch to a wave or a smile or something a little more subtle if she doesn’t like saying hi into the air. And I would really really really not get worked up about it myself - it’s virtually certain she’s feeding off you and your feedback that this is very mean behavior and that is why this is still an issue

If the other girl doesn't like OP's DD and that is specifically the reason she did not respond by saying "hi" or waving back or whatever, is actually the definition of mean girl behavior. You can not like someone and still extend them basic respect by saying hello when they say it to you.

Silent treatment and ignoring are very common mean girl tactics (I prefer the term "relational aggression" which is a lot more descriptive, plus boys do sometimes participate in this behavior).

Op here. I’ve NEVER said anything to DD except when she has mentioned it to me … the most I’ve EVER said is “I understand it’s frustrating, but don’t worry about it too much”

Reminder that the only reason I brought any of this up is because the mom of the other girl acts like all of the other kids are unkind, without maybe knowing her kid could potentially be seen the same way.

I strongly dislike someone at work but still can muster a “good morning”. I also work in an urban area and almost always nod or say hello/good morning when I’m walking to work and the sidewalk isn’t as busy.

[Anonymous]

Unfriendly = mean comments, bumping as you pass, whispering, glaring, getting others involved in being mean.

Neutral = doesn’t choose to interact with your kid. NOT A CRIME.

Friendly = friendly, but guess what, still human and imperfect, so maybe some bumps on the road here and there

Does-not-exist-OP-expectation-of-friendship = absolutely perfectly friendly at all times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfriendly = mean comments, bumping as you pass, whispering, glaring, getting others involved in being mean.

Neutral = doesn’t choose to interact with your kid. NOT A CRIME.

Friendly = friendly, but guess what, still human and imperfect, so maybe some bumps on the road here and there

Does-not-exist-OP-expectation-of-friendship = absolutely perfectly friendly at all times

You must’ve missed where I’ve said multiple times that there’s no expectation of friendship

[Anonymous]

I think it's Selective Mutness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: There's such a tendency/desire to respond to an OP's posts with criticism that all common sense goes out the window.

If the other mother is big on everyone being kind and polite and inclusive, it is highly unlikely that her own DD has a neuro-atypical issue that prohibits decent behavior.

OP I always tell my kids that this is a learning moment. Bored, uninterested people are boring and uninteresting. This girl doesn't seem happy. That is sad. Let how you feel in this moment serve as a reminder to go out of your way to show kindness to others.

We're too willing to not judge and make excuses and say everyone is great. Some people have poor character. Some people are not good people. It's a good skill to be able to identify this. I am not talking about the girl because she is a young child. I am talking about her parents and they way she is being raised and what her parents puts up with. Her mom also sounds like a hypocrite.

This is why girls falter with friendships in MS/HS and relationships in college. Assuming the best from people who do not deserve it.

Np. This is so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfriendly = mean comments, bumping as you pass, whispering, glaring, getting others involved in being mean.

Neutral = doesn’t choose to interact with your kid. NOT A CRIME.

Friendly = friendly, but guess what, still human and imperfect, so maybe some bumps on the road here and there

Does-not-exist-OP-expectation-of-friendship = absolutely perfectly friendly at all times

You must’ve missed where I’ve said multiple times that there’s no expectation of friendship

OP, they don’t care. PP was correct that it’s a cadre of hostile moms with their own little frustrations who come here to feel better about themselves. You and your DD haven’t done anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

You're delusional.

[Anonymous]

So many adults here who haven't learned that the only thing you can control is you.