Unfriendly Classmate

[Anonymous]

There’s a girl at DD’s bus stop (they usually are the only ones there in the morning) and they are in the same grade. They are 8 turning 9 and this girl will not even acknowledge my daughter. At first I chalked it up to her being a little shy and my DD is a bit more outgoing.

But as the year goes on, the more I get annoyed by it. I’ve seen my DD wave hi, say good morning and this girl straight up ignores her. She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. It’s starting to make my DD feel uncomfortable. She keeps saying “Larla just doesn’t like me”

My question is… the mom of this girl is VERY vocal about kids not being friendly/kind/etc in our grade. It’s a frequent topic of hers… the hypocrisy is starting to grate on me. Would you say something the next time she brings this up?

[Anonymous]

You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

[Anonymous]

My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter needs to learn to deal with people that don’t like her. Teach her to focus on something else besides this girl. The obsession can’t be healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter needs to learn to deal with people that don’t like her. Teach her to focus on something else besides this girl. The obsession can’t be healthy.

+1. I wouldn't call this kid mean, maybe rude? But as a PP said, we don't know what's going on with the kid. Regardless, I would teach my kid to move on and do the same myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.

Op here. The kids have known each other for years… I have tried to help DD frame it differently, but it’s starting to feel like mean behavior.

I do tell DD to not worry about it. It really didn’t bother me that much until this girl’s mom wouldn’t stop harping on about “mean girls”

[Anonymous]

You should teach your kid to try to be kind. This other girl sounds like she might have anxiety or some ND. Especially with what you said about her mom. Teach your kid is not always about her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to commiserate a bit. My DD has a girl like this in her dance class. DD is gregarious and loves dance, and greets her classmates and says goodbye to them by name. She doesn't pester or annoy them, just says "Hi Larla" or whatever. There is one classmate who not only never reciprocates but I have seen her visibly roll her eyes at my DD when she greets her. And again, it's not even some aggressive move -- I watched this interaction last week when we were leaving and my DD said "See you next week" to the girl in passing as we walked out, and the girl looked at her, grimaced, and rolled her eyes. Her mom was right there but I don't think saw the behavior.

I've taught my DD to be polite to other people and let her know that while she absolutely does not have to be friends with everyone, being polite costs you absolutely nothing. It's a shame how many other parents don't seem to bother with this.

[Anonymous]

What on earth would you say, OP? I cannot imagine a script that doesn’t sound absurd.

I COMPLETELY understand why this hurts your daughter’s feelings. It would hurt mine too. But it’s not the sort of thing you can ask another mom to correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to commiserate a bit. My DD has a girl like this in her dance class. DD is gregarious and loves dance, and greets her classmates and says goodbye to them by name. She doesn't pester or annoy them, just says "Hi Larla" or whatever. There is one classmate who not only never reciprocates but I have seen her visibly roll her eyes at my DD when she greets her. And again, it's not even some aggressive move -- I watched this interaction last week when we were leaving and my DD said "See you next week" to the girl in passing as we walked out, and the girl looked at her, grimaced, and rolled her eyes. Her mom was right there but I don't think saw the behavior.

I've taught my DD to be polite to other people and let her know that while she absolutely does not have to be friends with everyone, being polite costs you absolutely nothing. It's a shame how many other parents don't seem to bother with this.

Op here. Thank you!!! I’m shocked at how many people are like “oh well, who cares”. I’d be mortified if my DD acted like that. Even if this girl really doesn’t care for my DD, a simple “good morning” isn’t a huge ask.

Yes, I’m teaching DD to not worry when someone is unkind to her, but on the flip side, maybe this girls parents should teach their DD about general politeness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

How do you know she doesn't have special needs? My daughter probably doesn't look autistic to the casual, uninformed person, but she is and she would likely not greet your daughter under the circumstances you describe -- too much stress related to the beginning of the day. I also frequently complained at how awful the other girls were to my daughter because, well, they were.

[Anonymous]

I think some parents are unsure how to strike the balance with girls between "be nice, all the time, to everyone, because it is your job to make suer they all feel good" (which is how some of us were raised as women), and being rude little jerks with no manners.

To me, the emphasis is on manners. It's not about being responsible for how others feel or having to be everyone's friend, it's just that there are certain things you do unless someone is making you unsafe. So if someone says hello, you say hi back. It's a little thing, but ignoring people is really disrespectful.

I've seen threads on here where mom's are like "my popular DD should not have to acknowledge other kids in the hallway if they aren't friends" and I think it's so weird. Like you are just describing a very stuck up, rude child, why would you endorse that? But some people think absolutely nothing should be expected of kids, even just basic decency. And I've seen enough adults act the same way that it's not surprising.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you find the mom annoying and hypocritical but bringing this up will make things worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to commiserate a bit. My DD has a girl like this in her dance class. DD is gregarious and loves dance, and greets her classmates and says goodbye to them by name. She doesn't pester or annoy them, just says "Hi Larla" or whatever. There is one classmate who not only never reciprocates but I have seen her visibly roll her eyes at my DD when she greets her. And again, it's not even some aggressive move -- I watched this interaction last week when we were leaving and my DD said "See you next week" to the girl in passing as we walked out, and the girl looked at her, grimaced, and rolled her eyes. Her mom was right there but I don't think saw the behavior.

I've taught my DD to be polite to other people and let her know that while she absolutely does not have to be friends with everyone, being polite costs you absolutely nothing. It's a shame how many other parents don't seem to bother with this.

Op here. Thank you!!! I’m shocked at how many people are like “oh well, who cares”. I’d be mortified if my DD acted like that. Even if this girl really doesn’t care for my DD, a simple “good morning” isn’t a huge ask.

Yes, I’m teaching DD to not worry when someone is unkind to her, but on the flip side, maybe this girls parents should teach their DD about general politeness

They all have messed up daughters that they don’t bother to parent, and are slightly afraid of. They’ll each reap what they’ve sown. They’ll scream now that this is untrue - liars.