Unfriendly Classmate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.

Oh, please. OP says they’ve known each other for years. “Take time to warm up to people?” You open your mouth and say “hi” back. If you can’t manage that for some absurd reason, you raise a hand and wave.

Stop coddling rude behavior.

Um, I wrote the post you responded to. I responded to the original post. NOWHERE in it does op say they've known each other for years.

THE KIDS ARE 8 YEARS OLD- knowing each other for years can mean a lot of different things. They're 8.

The other kid is standing at the top of her driveway away from OP kid to wait for the bus. Everything I wrote could be true. If you don't have a kid who is shy, you wouldn't understand.

Of course, I don't know why this 8 year old is doing this, but to see people on her label her a "b" and talk about how awful she is when all she has done is not said hello while waiting for the bus ? Why the hatred. What are you all teaching your kids? Maybe they should learn to read social cues, and 3/4 thru the school year stop obsessing over a random kid at a bus stop.

I still can't believe the way OP is so hyped up about this and plenty of other mothers are on her behalf. Take a breath. You're talking about an 8 year old you don't know.

Me take a breath? You just wrote a novella white knighting on the internet for a kid you don’t even know.

I didn’t (and wouldn’t) call her a B, but she’s a rude kid being ill parented by a hypocritical parent (or parents).

Stop coddling rude behavior. Stop wrapping your kids in cotton gauze. It’s absurd.

Oh, and stop dramatically capitalizing EIGHT YEARS OLD, because once again, eight is not three and is plenty old enough to have learned some manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OP, it's monday and the bored moms here have to take their snark out on us which they always do in very typical fashion. Ignore them. You can see it when they are saying the girl saying Hi is mean girling the freak who can't say hi back. Don't come here for real advice.

Op here. I was pretty taken aback to hear that saying good morning while still respecting the boundaries this other girl is putting in place is somehow “mean girl” behavior.

Once when DD was a bit younger, I said hi to a neighbor I didn’t know on a walk and she said “do you know them? Why did you say hi?” I told her that was the polite, kind thing to do.

Im still at a loss at how saying hello or good morning could ever be received in a negative way.

No one said your DD was being a mean girl; some folks thought she wasn't reading the room and her continued attempts to engage the other girl were rude. I disagree -- I don't think your DD is being rude. But really, no one said she was being a mean girl.

To the PP -- calling an 8 yr old a "freak" over this is not a good look.

I think the very very tone deaf thing that you are doing is refusing to accept that this girl could just not like your daughter without being a “mean girl “ or something like that. They are forced into proximity to even though she’s signaling clearly that she wants to not interact with your daughter and she’s not handling it ideally. I’m a parent who requires my kids to acknowledge a greeting and they are able to do so and I agree that would be generally polite. But it’s really strange that it’s April and this is still an issue- how has your child not made peace with it? If I were you I would probably encourage my child to switch to a wave or a smile or something a little more subtle if she doesn’t like saying hi into the air. And I would really really really not get worked up about it myself - it’s virtually certain she’s feeding off you and your feedback that this is very mean behavior and that is why this is still an issue

+1. I can believe that you as a grown adult are this worked up over something so trivial. If the isn’t speaking, take the hint and stop speaking to her. Do a head nod and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No other kid owes your child friendship. It doesn't mean you have to like it. It is what it is. Teach your child how to exist amid their peers who ignore them, teach them to be strong.

This.

Not asking for friendship, I just find it incredibly disrespectful to ignore someone when they speak to you

They are 8 years old!! Again, you don’t know the reason why. Regardless, your kids are going to encounter mean people their entire lives — and much worse than this. The real lesson is teaching them not to let it fester in the same way an adult woman is letting an 8 year old girl take up real estate in her head. If the kid isn’t saying hello, your daughter can move on and focus her attention on those who reciprocate.

Yes, they are eight years old (insert multiple exclamation points here), not three. Plenty old to have some damn manners.

You sound like an abusive psycho. I hope you don’t have children.

Aww, you’re precious. I have kids and they have manners. Try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.

23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck

You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.

Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.

Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.

You can take the scare quotes off rudeness, because that is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD used to be painfully shy and would never respond when other kids said hello to her. I didn't scold her for this, but I would reply, so as to model polite behavior for her in a way she could emulate when she felt ready.

I learned the names of the other kids in her class, whether she was friends with them or not, and would say hi to them by name before and after school or if we ran into them in the neighborhood.

So in the situation OP is describing, if her DD said hello to my DD and my DD didn't respond, I would turn and say "Oh hi Larla, good to see you." That way Larla is acknowledged and my DD could see how not scary it is to just respond to someone's greeting. We don't have to have a whole conversation and I wouldn't suddenly be best friends with Larla. But I'd say hi in response to her greeting. I'd probably also turn to Larla's mom and say hello and ask how they are doing. It is not hard and makes life a lot more pleasant when you can have these sorts of low stakes interactions with people you see frequently.

So I'm with OP on this one. It is really rude to just leave a child who is trying to be friendly and neighborly hanging, and while it's forgivable in a child, it's weird for the mom to be so checked out as to not say anything. Oh, and before you yell at me, I'd say the exact same thing if it was a dad. People generally have become so rude and self-absorbed. It's weird. Just say hi, it's not hard.

Oh, look at this — a parent of a shy child who didn’t just excuse away rude behavior under a pile of excuses by saying “my kid can’t help it, they’re shy.”

Take a lesson, other rude behavior apologists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is painfully shy and often doesn't return greetings even though she and I have discussed this. I am ok with her not always returning greetings. Her body her choice. That is what I tell her. She greets those who she is comfortable and familiar with. I model when I am with her and I can't control her actions when I am not. Don't care if you think it is rude.

Oh, PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If the child is distancing themselves, I would argue that they are sending a message that your child is rude enough to ignore. So the shoe is on the other foot here! If the kid was standing right there and not mumbling a hello, sure, that would be rude of them. But at some distance away, and your kid doesn't pick on the cue that they don't want to interact?!?

Teach your kid manners, OP!!!

Oh, you really thought you did something here. Grow up. Insert multiple exclamation points here.

not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

OMG, OP. You sound psychotic.

GET.
OVER.
IT.

You’re the one who sounds insane. Chill with the Boomer caps and pop a Xanax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree not to say anything to the other parent. Just continue to say hi or good morning to the mom and daughter at the bus stop, whether or not one or both of them return your greeting. That is being polite and is showing by example to your daughter about how to be polite.

As for your daughter, I also agree with what others posted here, that it could be a good learning experience. She may say that the girl doesn’t like her, and you can take the opportunity to say that everybody doesn’t always like everybody else or is friends with everybody and that is OK. You could also take the opportunity to talk about how sometimes you don’t know what somebody else is feeling. The other girl may be quiet or shy, or may be nervous or anxious about school, or may be super tired or grumpy and doesn’t like to talk in the morning.

What you want your daughter to know is it is kind and thoughtful to greet people she knows or new people she meets, regardless of whether she is ignored. If she is feeling hurt by saying hello, or good morning to the other girl and not getting a reply, you could suggest that she wave or smile instead. And then take the opportunity to talk to your daughter about how good it is to focus on her friends and friendships, and being a kind person, even if others may not be the same.

OP here, thank you for the thoughtful response. I definitely am not expecting them to be friends, but I'm just a little put off by the outright rudeness. The parents are not there in the morning. I've also seen it in the afternoon when they get off the bus. My DD will say "bye Larla!" and the girl ignores her then too. It's odd. If her mom is there, I've seen her correct her, so I know her mom knows better.

Correct, I don't know 1000000000% for sure that this girl doesn't have special needs, but having known this family long enough, I am fairly certain. Also, I agree with some of the other posters to say that it's far more likely that she's just rude vs. being on the spectrum (or other issues). But of course, there's always exceptions, and I will try to keep that in mind.

I also don't know 1000000000% for sure that my DD is not mean to her when I'm not there, but I am fairly certain she is not. I've always heard from teachers that DD is very inclusive to others, as well as that being my experience watching her play as well. She's not perfect, but it'd be hard for me to imagine her being outright unkind.

I've told DD to not let it bother her and to continue to be polite. It really only started to irk me when this mom goes off on tirades about "unkind kids" at school for relatively minor infractions like not letting someone play with them at recess one day.

NP but it sounds like this girl is shy and her mother is working with her on it. I'm not sure after saying what you've just told us, you still think the girl is being mean. Clearly she's not being mean, she's just really shy/introverted. Really, you need to let this go, OP.

A mom sniping about “mean girls” and a girl who completely ignores a classmate does not sound like a “shy” girl and a mom “working” on it at all.

Did you READ OP's responses. She literally said that when the mom is with the daughter, she corrects her.

No, they haven’t read OP’s responses. One of the rude behavior defenders responded angrily to me “when did OP ever say the kids had known each other for years?” when pages earlier, the OP had literally started a paragraph with the sentence “the kids have known each other for years.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

We can turn this around though.

Your daughter also needs to learn that if someone is putting out social clues that they want to be left alone, then you should leave them alone.

Standing alone at the top of the driveway (or as my DD does: in the garage) is a pretty clear signal that they want to be left alone.

It's actually kind of rude to try to engage in conversation with a person who is making it clear that they don't want to be engaged.

Its like the guys at the gyms that keep try to talk to women, even when the women have headphones on. Your daughter has to learn to read the room

+1. Do I think the girls behavior is ideal? No. Do I think OP’s kid needs to learn to read the room? Yes.

The reality is my husband isn’t a morning person. Me telling him a bright “hello” at 7am isn’t going to get me the response I want. I’ve learned to read the room.

+1

OP isn't going to like this, but her DD is being just as rude (or honestly, imo, ruder) than the other little girl. You don't have some god-given right to conversation. This kid made it perfectly clear by standing at the top of the driveway that she did not want to engage. OP, and her daughter, should have respected that

"Hi" or even polite wave and smile, is not conversation.

Expecting people to acknowledge our existence is actually sort of the bare minimum of what we CAN expect from other people. Except I guess not anymore, because we're all going to claim spectrum disorders to get us out of doing even the most minor possible thing to sustain some kind of social ties?

We need to teach our kids that saying hello, goodbye, thank you, and you're welcome are not burdensome. No, not even for people with social anxiety or spectrum disorders. They might have to work harder to do this, but it's still not a burden. That's like saying "well my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I don't make her brush her teeth." Or "my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I've decided it's okay for her to stick her tongue out at the teacher and roll her eyes when he asks her to turn in her work." Like yes, some people do have to work harder to do basic things, but that doesn't suddenly mean that those things are suddenly too much to ask.

It's not too much to ask. I agree with PPs that OP should take the opportunity to help her DD figure out how to deal with it when people are rude. Absolutely, that's going to be a good skill to have. But the other girl is being rude even if there is a reason why saying hello in response to someone greeting you is harder for her than it might be for the average person.

Also, hey, being rude is not the end of the world. But we should at least be able to acknowledge when something is rude. Standing there not responding when someone you know says hello to you is rude. No matter why you are doing it.

The PPs explaining that the girl might be shy, introverted, anxious etc. were (for the most part) not denying that the behavior is rude. They were just responding to the OP's assumption that the girl was mean and intending to signal to her DD that she doesn't like her. They were explaining why that might not be the case. Most of these PPs expressed that they are working on the issues with their kids, but it's a slow process, and they (the parents) try to be extra friendly to compensate for their kid. Eight isn't 4, but it's still young.

Multiple posters have said “it’s not rudeness, it’s (insert presumed diagnosis with no evidence here).”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is painfully shy and often doesn't return greetings even though she and I have discussed this. I am ok with her not always returning greetings. Her body her choice. That is what I tell her. She greets those who she is comfortable and familiar with. I model when I am with her and I can't control her actions when I am not. Don't care if you think it is rude.

Oh, PLEASE.

It’s like literal violence, practically a violation of a darling girl, when monstrous other kids say hello! Excuse you you can’t understand this exceptional circumstance, there have been mommy evaluations of ‘painful shyness.’ /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

We can turn this around though.

Your daughter also needs to learn that if someone is putting out social clues that they want to be left alone, then you should leave them alone.

Standing alone at the top of the driveway (or as my DD does: in the garage) is a pretty clear signal that they want to be left alone.

It's actually kind of rude to try to engage in conversation with a person who is making it clear that they don't want to be engaged.

Its like the guys at the gyms that keep try to talk to women, even when the women have headphones on. Your daughter has to learn to read the room

+1. Do I think the girls behavior is ideal? No. Do I think OP’s kid needs to learn to read the room? Yes.

The reality is my husband isn’t a morning person. Me telling him a bright “hello” at 7am isn’t going to get me the response I want. I’ve learned to read the room.

+1

OP isn't going to like this, but her DD is being just as rude (or honestly, imo, ruder) than the other little girl. You don't have some god-given right to conversation. This kid made it perfectly clear by standing at the top of the driveway that she did not want to engage. OP, and her daughter, should have respected that

"Hi" or even polite wave and smile, is not conversation.

Expecting people to acknowledge our existence is actually sort of the bare minimum of what we CAN expect from other people. Except I guess not anymore, because we're all going to claim spectrum disorders to get us out of doing even the most minor possible thing to sustain some kind of social ties?

We need to teach our kids that saying hello, goodbye, thank you, and you're welcome are not burdensome. No, not even for people with social anxiety or spectrum disorders. They might have to work harder to do this, but it's still not a burden. That's like saying "well my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I don't make her brush her teeth." Or "my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I've decided it's okay for her to stick her tongue out at the teacher and roll her eyes when he asks her to turn in her work." Like yes, some people do have to work harder to do basic things, but that doesn't suddenly mean that those things are suddenly too much to ask.

It's not too much to ask. I agree with PPs that OP should take the opportunity to help her DD figure out how to deal with it when people are rude. Absolutely, that's going to be a good skill to have. But the other girl is being rude even if there is a reason why saying hello in response to someone greeting you is harder for her than it might be for the average person.

Also, hey, being rude is not the end of the world. But we should at least be able to acknowledge when something is rude. Standing there not responding when someone you know says hello to you is rude. No matter why you are doing it.

The PPs explaining that the girl might be shy, introverted, anxious etc. were (for the most part) not denying that the behavior is rude. They were just responding to the OP's assumption that the girl was mean and intending to signal to her DD that she doesn't like her. They were explaining why that might not be the case. Most of these PPs expressed that they are working on the issues with their kids, but it's a slow process, and they (the parents) try to be extra friendly to compensate for their kid. Eight isn't 4, but it's still young.

Multiple posters have said “it’s not rudeness, it’s (insert presumed diagnosis with no evidence here).”

That’s what I love so much about contemporary parenting. Mommies are just sooooo tired that they’d rather presume that their kid has a neurodivergence that requires delicate sensitive tip-toeing around and maybe fingers crossed a 1 on 1 and extra test time and a calligraphied IEP than actually attempt to parent their slightly struggling kid. It’s hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

We can turn this around though.

Your daughter also needs to learn that if someone is putting out social clues that they want to be left alone, then you should leave them alone.

Standing alone at the top of the driveway (or as my DD does: in the garage) is a pretty clear signal that they want to be left alone.

It's actually kind of rude to try to engage in conversation with a person who is making it clear that they don't want to be engaged.

Its like the guys at the gyms that keep try to talk to women, even when the women have headphones on. Your daughter has to learn to read the room

+1. Do I think the girls behavior is ideal? No. Do I think OP’s kid needs to learn to read the room? Yes.

The reality is my husband isn’t a morning person. Me telling him a bright “hello” at 7am isn’t going to get me the response I want. I’ve learned to read the room.

+1

OP isn't going to like this, but her DD is being just as rude (or honestly, imo, ruder) than the other little girl. You don't have some god-given right to conversation. This kid made it perfectly clear by standing at the top of the driveway that she did not want to engage. OP, and her daughter, should have respected that

"Hi" or even polite wave and smile, is not conversation.

Expecting people to acknowledge our existence is actually sort of the bare minimum of what we CAN expect from other people. Except I guess not anymore, because we're all going to claim spectrum disorders to get us out of doing even the most minor possible thing to sustain some kind of social ties?

We need to teach our kids that saying hello, goodbye, thank you, and you're welcome are not burdensome. No, not even for people with social anxiety or spectrum disorders. They might have to work harder to do this, but it's still not a burden. That's like saying "well my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I don't make her brush her teeth." Or "my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I've decided it's okay for her to stick her tongue out at the teacher and roll her eyes when he asks her to turn in her work." Like yes, some people do have to work harder to do basic things, but that doesn't suddenly mean that those things are suddenly too much to ask.

It's not too much to ask. I agree with PPs that OP should take the opportunity to help her DD figure out how to deal with it when people are rude. Absolutely, that's going to be a good skill to have. But the other girl is being rude even if there is a reason why saying hello in response to someone greeting you is harder for her than it might be for the average person.

Also, hey, being rude is not the end of the world. But we should at least be able to acknowledge when something is rude. Standing there not responding when someone you know says hello to you is rude. No matter why you are doing it.

The PPs explaining that the girl might be shy, introverted, anxious etc. were (for the most part) not denying that the behavior is rude. They were just responding to the OP's assumption that the girl was mean and intending to signal to her DD that she doesn't like her. They were explaining why that might not be the case. Most of these PPs expressed that they are working on the issues with their kids, but it's a slow process, and they (the parents) try to be extra friendly to compensate for their kid. Eight isn't 4, but it's still young.

Multiple posters have said “it’s not rudeness, it’s (insert presumed diagnosis with no evidence here).”

That’s what I love so much about contemporary parenting. Mommies are just sooooo tired that they’d rather presume that their kid has a neurodivergence that requires delicate sensitive tip-toeing around and maybe fingers crossed a 1 on 1 and extra test time and a calligraphied IEP than actually attempt to parent their slightly struggling kid. It’s hilarious.

Op here… I’ve never felt like this… until
this thread.

Honestly the crazy thing I left out is that my DD has anxiety. But she’s also very friendly (both can exist together before you come at me)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

We can turn this around though.

Your daughter also needs to learn that if someone is putting out social clues that they want to be left alone, then you should leave them alone.

Standing alone at the top of the driveway (or as my DD does: in the garage) is a pretty clear signal that they want to be left alone.

It's actually kind of rude to try to engage in conversation with a person who is making it clear that they don't want to be engaged.

Its like the guys at the gyms that keep try to talk to women, even when the women have headphones on. Your daughter has to learn to read the room

+1. Do I think the girls behavior is ideal? No. Do I think OP’s kid needs to learn to read the room? Yes.

The reality is my husband isn’t a morning person. Me telling him a bright “hello” at 7am isn’t going to get me the response I want. I’ve learned to read the room.

+1

OP isn't going to like this, but her DD is being just as rude (or honestly, imo, ruder) than the other little girl. You don't have some god-given right to conversation. This kid made it perfectly clear by standing at the top of the driveway that she did not want to engage. OP, and her daughter, should have respected that

"Hi" or even polite wave and smile, is not conversation.

Expecting people to acknowledge our existence is actually sort of the bare minimum of what we CAN expect from other people. Except I guess not anymore, because we're all going to claim spectrum disorders to get us out of doing even the most minor possible thing to sustain some kind of social ties?

We need to teach our kids that saying hello, goodbye, thank you, and you're welcome are not burdensome. No, not even for people with social anxiety or spectrum disorders. They might have to work harder to do this, but it's still not a burden. That's like saying "well my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I don't make her brush her teeth." Or "my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I've decided it's okay for her to stick her tongue out at the teacher and roll her eyes when he asks her to turn in her work." Like yes, some people do have to work harder to do basic things, but that doesn't suddenly mean that those things are suddenly too much to ask.

It's not too much to ask. I agree with PPs that OP should take the opportunity to help her DD figure out how to deal with it when people are rude. Absolutely, that's going to be a good skill to have. But the other girl is being rude even if there is a reason why saying hello in response to someone greeting you is harder for her than it might be for the average person.

Also, hey, being rude is not the end of the world. But we should at least be able to acknowledge when something is rude. Standing there not responding when someone you know says hello to you is rude. No matter why you are doing it.

The PPs explaining that the girl might be shy, introverted, anxious etc. were (for the most part) not denying that the behavior is rude. They were just responding to the OP's assumption that the girl was mean and intending to signal to her DD that she doesn't like her. They were explaining why that might not be the case. Most of these PPs expressed that they are working on the issues with their kids, but it's a slow process, and they (the parents) try to be extra friendly to compensate for their kid. Eight isn't 4, but it's still young.

Multiple posters have said “it’s not rudeness, it’s (insert presumed diagnosis with no evidence here).”

My DD is the most extroverted person you’ve ever met. She says hello to everyone. And sometimes it’s not returned. Oh well! We have lots of conversations about well maybe so and so is shy, maybe she wants some space. I have no idea if this little girl has something else going on (and neither does OP, she doesn’t sound like she’s someone anyone would confide in) but I do think at 8 this is so minor and attributable to so many other things (and the mom is working on it!!!) that it boggles the mind that this thread exists. Yes, she should acknowledge another girl in her social group in some way. Is it mean or anything that requires a second thought at 8? No not even close.

But OP’s daughter is hurt by it so instead of continuing to work on the over reaction with her daughter it she came on here to whip up a reaction so a bunch of other moms could talk sh*t about an 8 year old. If your daughter wasn’t upset you would have let this go right? It’s not something that on its face is really that bad at all. And so you self righteously want to make her mom feel bad and recognize her “hypocrisy” even though you have no idea if this girl is being seriously bullied at school or something like that. While totally seriously writing that you are convinced there’s no way your daughter has done anything ever unkind or that could have hurt her feelings. You have to parent your kid, OP, and trying to snowplow over these tiny tiny problems doesn’t do her any favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

We can turn this around though.

Your daughter also needs to learn that if someone is putting out social clues that they want to be left alone, then you should leave them alone.

Standing alone at the top of the driveway (or as my DD does: in the garage) is a pretty clear signal that they want to be left alone.

It's actually kind of rude to try to engage in conversation with a person who is making it clear that they don't want to be engaged.

Its like the guys at the gyms that keep try to talk to women, even when the women have headphones on. Your daughter has to learn to read the room

+1. Do I think the girls behavior is ideal? No. Do I think OP’s kid needs to learn to read the room? Yes.

The reality is my husband isn’t a morning person. Me telling him a bright “hello” at 7am isn’t going to get me the response I want. I’ve learned to read the room.

+1

OP isn't going to like this, but her DD is being just as rude (or honestly, imo, ruder) than the other little girl. You don't have some god-given right to conversation. This kid made it perfectly clear by standing at the top of the driveway that she did not want to engage. OP, and her daughter, should have respected that

"Hi" or even polite wave and smile, is not conversation.

Expecting people to acknowledge our existence is actually sort of the bare minimum of what we CAN expect from other people. Except I guess not anymore, because we're all going to claim spectrum disorders to get us out of doing even the most minor possible thing to sustain some kind of social ties?

We need to teach our kids that saying hello, goodbye, thank you, and you're welcome are not burdensome. No, not even for people with social anxiety or spectrum disorders. They might have to work harder to do this, but it's still not a burden. That's like saying "well my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I don't make her brush her teeth." Or "my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I've decided it's okay for her to stick her tongue out at the teacher and roll her eyes when he asks her to turn in her work." Like yes, some people do have to work harder to do basic things, but that doesn't suddenly mean that those things are suddenly too much to ask.

It's not too much to ask. I agree with PPs that OP should take the opportunity to help her DD figure out how to deal with it when people are rude. Absolutely, that's going to be a good skill to have. But the other girl is being rude even if there is a reason why saying hello in response to someone greeting you is harder for her than it might be for the average person.

Also, hey, being rude is not the end of the world. But we should at least be able to acknowledge when something is rude. Standing there not responding when someone you know says hello to you is rude. No matter why you are doing it.

The PPs explaining that the girl might be shy, introverted, anxious etc. were (for the most part) not denying that the behavior is rude. They were just responding to the OP's assumption that the girl was mean and intending to signal to her DD that she doesn't like her. They were explaining why that might not be the case. Most of these PPs expressed that they are working on the issues with their kids, but it's a slow process, and they (the parents) try to be extra friendly to compensate for their kid. Eight isn't 4, but it's still young.

Multiple posters have said “it’s not rudeness, it’s (insert presumed diagnosis with no evidence here).”

My DD is the most extroverted person you’ve ever met. She says hello to everyone. And sometimes it’s not returned. Oh well! We have lots of conversations about well maybe so and so is shy, maybe she wants some space. I have no idea if this little girl has something else going on (and neither does OP, she doesn’t sound like she’s someone anyone would confide in) but I do think at 8 this is so minor and attributable to so many other things (and the mom is working on it!!!) that it boggles the mind that this thread exists. Yes, she should acknowledge another girl in her social group in some way. Is it mean or anything that requires a second thought at 8? No not even close.

But OP’s daughter is hurt by it so instead of continuing to work on the over reaction with her daughter it she came on here to whip up a reaction so a bunch of other moms could talk sh*t about an 8 year old. If your daughter wasn’t upset you would have let this go right? It’s not something that on its face is really that bad at all. And so you self righteously want to make her mom feel bad and recognize her “hypocrisy” even though you have no idea if this girl is being seriously bullied at school or something like that. While totally seriously writing that you are convinced there’s no way your daughter has done anything ever unkind or that could have hurt her feelings. You have to parent your kid, OP, and trying to snowplow over these tiny tiny problems doesn’t do her any favors.

OP didn’t do any of the dramatic sh!t you wrote above, but you got to feel important for a couple of paragraphs so she certainly helped you out.