Unfriendly Classmate

[Anonymous]

My DD has selective mutism. She never respond when friends or close adults say hi to her since she’s very young. We thought she’s too shy and got angry with her since it’s kind of rude until we found out why, 7 years later. My DD still doesn’t always respond to others, her condition prevents her to do so from time to time, but she finally made friends last year and she was really happy. If your daughter say hi to someone and get ignored, she can stop say hi.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. My daughter is like the child you are describing and she is very shy/has social anxiety. We have been working really, really hard on getting her to wave back to people who say hi to her, to look at people when they talk to her, etc., but it has been really, really hard. One thing I tell her is that unfortunately, other kids are going to think she's rude for not saying hello back to them, but she's not TRYING to be mean or TRYING to be rude, she just really has a hard time in social situations.

Fortunately for my daughter, the kids in her grade ARE very kind and have a lot of empathy towards her. There are several whose parents have clearly explained to them that my daughter is not mean, she's just very shy, and they keep saying hi, and she has finally started looking up and saying hi back to them.

I'm glad to live in an area with people who are kind and have empathy and not around people like you who just automatically assume the worst of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to commiserate a bit. My DD has a girl like this in her dance class. DD is gregarious and loves dance, and greets her classmates and says goodbye to them by name. She doesn't pester or annoy them, just says "Hi Larla" or whatever. There is one classmate who not only never reciprocates but I have seen her visibly roll her eyes at my DD when she greets her. And again, it's not even some aggressive move -- I watched this interaction last week when we were leaving and my DD said "See you next week" to the girl in passing as we walked out, and the girl looked at her, grimaced, and rolled her eyes. Her mom was right there but I don't think saw the behavior.

I've taught my DD to be polite to other people and let her know that while she absolutely does not have to be friends with everyone, being polite costs you absolutely nothing. It's a shame how many other parents don't seem to bother with this.

Op here. Thank you!!! I’m shocked at how many people are like “oh well, who cares”. I’d be mortified if my DD acted like that. Even if this girl really doesn’t care for my DD, a simple “good morning” isn’t a huge ask.

Yes, I’m teaching DD to not worry when someone is unkind to her, but on the flip side, maybe this girls parents should teach their DD about general politeness

You know what?? For a kid that has social anxiety - for whom it takes years to make good friends, this IS a huge ask. You sound like the rude one yourself. Try to model kindness to your child instead of harping on and on about how you agree how rude this girl is and how mean she is. Your child is modeling what she hears from you. Clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a girl at DD’s bus stop

My question is… the mom of this girl is VERY vocal about kids not being friendly/kind/etc in our grade. It’s a frequent topic of hers… the hypocrisy is starting to grate on me. Would you say something the next time she brings this up?

I think it’s your duty to call her on the hypocrisy. Sounds like a very vocal critic to me and hasn’t a clue about how her own daughter is making another child feel.

I would be nice about it, let her know how confused your daughter is about not being able to get even a wave from her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.

Oh, please. OP says they’ve known each other for years. “Take time to warm up to people?” You open your mouth and say “hi” back. If you can’t manage that for some absurd reason, you raise a hand and wave.

Stop coddling rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should teach your kid to try to be kind. This other girl sounds like she might have anxiety or some ND. Especially with what you said about her mom. Teach your kid is not always about her.

Bullshit.

Eye-rolling brats with moms who snatch out about “mean girls” don’t have anxiety.

+1,000. So tired of this line. Every rude kid doesn’t have anxiety. Every disorganized person doesn’t have ADHD. Every lazy husband doesn’t have autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No other kid owes your child friendship. It doesn't mean you have to like it. It is what it is. Teach your child how to exist amid their peers who ignore them, teach them to be strong.

This.

Not asking for friendship, I just find it incredibly disrespectful to ignore someone when they speak to you

They are 8 years old!! Again, you don’t know the reason why. Regardless, your kids are going to encounter mean people their entire lives — and much worse than this. The real lesson is teaching them not to let it fester in the same way an adult woman is letting an 8 year old girl take up real estate in her head. If the kid isn’t saying hello, your daughter can move on and focus her attention on those who reciprocate.

Yes, they are eight years old (insert multiple exclamation points here), not three. Plenty old to have some damn manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a different person morning bus stop and after school. She is not a morning person and doesn’t want to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.

Oh, please. OP says they’ve known each other for years. “Take time to warm up to people?” You open your mouth and say “hi” back. If you can’t manage that for some absurd reason, you raise a hand and wave.

Stop coddling rude behavior.

Um, I wrote the post you responded to. I responded to the original post. NOWHERE in it does op say they've known each other for years.

THE KIDS ARE 8 YEARS OLD- knowing each other for years can mean a lot of different things. They're 8.

The other kid is standing at the top of her driveway away from OP kid to wait for the bus. Everything I wrote could be true. If you don't have a kid who is shy, you wouldn't understand.

Of course, I don't know why this 8 year old is doing this, but to see people on her label her a "b" and talk about how awful she is when all she has done is not said hello while waiting for the bus ? Why the hatred. What are you all teaching your kids? Maybe they should learn to read social cues, and 3/4 thru the school year stop obsessing over a random kid at a bus stop.

I still can't believe the way OP is so hyped up about this and plenty of other mothers are on her behalf. Take a breath. You're talking about an 8 year old you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Tell your DD to leave this girl alone. When she is ready to talk, she will. Why is this SO difficult for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DD to leave this girl alone. When she is ready to talk, she will. Why is this SO difficult for you?

Sorry no, I’m not going to tell her not to be polite

[Anonymous]

The kid may be on the spectrum, OP. I’m ashamed to admit there’s a kid in our hood who I used to think was just the unfriendliest person. She seemed typical enough but I thought she was just mean. She’s on the spectrum. She just isn’t picking up my kid’s cues and she’s got other stuff going on in her head.

[Anonymous]

My neighbors do not even know my kid is special needs. He sometimes ignores people greeting and does not seem to acknowledge other's presence/conversation. There's one sped and general teacher one year call out to me telling my boy is being rude and disrespectful, and they surprised me with their non professionism. They should have known better because my son has disability of missing social cues and acknowledging other's feelings even though he is really high functioning with autism. He ignores me sometimes at home because he did not see me or hear me even I stand in front of him.

[Anonymous]

OP, your daughter can stop saying hi to this girl. Just leave her alone. You’re verging on mean girl right now. Unless this girl is actively being a mean girl to your daughter, you should just drop it. Rudeness, or anxiety or whatever the reason is within this girls rights. Just tell your daughter to ignore her and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No other kid owes your child friendship. It doesn't mean you have to like it. It is what it is. Teach your child how to exist amid their peers who ignore them, teach them to be strong.

This.

Not asking for friendship, I just find it incredibly disrespectful to ignore someone when they speak to you

They are 8 years old!! Again, you don’t know the reason why. Regardless, your kids are going to encounter mean people their entire lives — and much worse than this. The real lesson is teaching them not to let it fester in the same way an adult woman is letting an 8 year old girl take up real estate in her head. If the kid isn’t saying hello, your daughter can move on and focus her attention on those who reciprocate.

Yes, they are eight years old (insert multiple exclamation points here), not three. Plenty old to have some damn manners.

You sound like an abusive psycho. I hope you don’t have children.