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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go. [/quote]

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade. [/quote]

It is not mean.  Social situations can be crippling for some people.  Maybe she’s known the other kids since birth.[/quote]

Ignoring people is mean. What you are saying is that it might not be intentional. Which is fine, maybe it isn't.

But saying "oh this isn't rude" or "this isn't mean" is a form of gaslighting. Reaching out to someone who you know saw you and knows you are, and having them pretend you are not there? That's definitely mean. Doesn't mean you have to dissolve into a puddle of tears or hate them forever, but yes, ignoring people is mean.[/quote]

I think the people in this thread are talking about two different things: intent and effect.  In this situation, we have a 9-year-old girl who isn't returning her classmate's "hello" in the morning.  This is clearly having a negative effect on the classmate - she feels hurt/confused - so the [i]effect [/i]is mean or rude.  However, as many PPs have pointed out, we don't know what the girl's intent is - there are a lot of examples in this thread of reasons why she's not responding that aren't based in meanness or cruelty - so we can't say that the [i]intent [/i]is mean or rude.

[/quote]

I don't agree.

I think rude behavior is rude regardless of intent. This is specifically why we have manners -- to provide a guide for people to be polite. This is why it is rude to not say "please" and "thank you" even if in your own mind, you feel those things. You have to articulate them because that's the culturally agreed-upon way to express those forms of kindness. It's also why people are encouraged to say please and thank you even if they don't actually feel the sentiment behind them, in some situations. It's a shorthand that keeps people from just being total jerks to each other all the time.

So the idea that someone is magically not rude, even when doing something rude, because they "didn't mean it" doesn't work for me. It's still rude even if you weren't trying to hurt someone. You are excepting yourself from a cultural norm. You might have what you believe is a good reason for this. And also some cultural norms might change and become outdated. But if you violate the norm, you are rude even if in your heart of hearts you had the best of intentions.

I don't want to live in a world where responding to a greeting with some form of acknowledgement is totally optional in order to be considered polite. We have already become such a siloed, disconnected society. I feel like stuff like this is part of the glue keeping us together at all.[/quote]

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