Reply to How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just share Christmas.  It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want.  Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???[/quote]

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around.  OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.[/quote]

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present.  Some people just have a stingy spirit.  Just the way it is.[/quote]

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year). [/quote]

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way.  She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids."  So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.[/quote]

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...[/quote]

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.[/quote]

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.[/quote]

No one said it was a crime.  But it is close hearted.[/quote]

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.[/quote]

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.[/quote]

The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite.

This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again.[/quote]

You want an exclusive family event and a pass for having one. You can get the event but not the pass. You make this about the in laws to take the focus off of OP’s parents. Interesting that OP feels badly for leave the in law out.[/quote]

OP seems like a pushover TBH. And she's rude to invite the ILs to her parents' house-- one doesn't make invitations to other people's houses, ever.

I don't think anyone needs a "pass" for having a family event with the people they choose to invite. I wouldn't be at all offended if my future ILs didn't invite me, and I certainly wouldn't be so rude as to show up uninvited. You can't invite everyone in the world, if that's "exclusive" to you then okay.  Enjoy your ILs and their other children and their other children's spouses and children and exes and stepchildren and the exes' new partners and that person's parents and on and on and on. There's no end to it if you don't draw some lines.[/quote]

Ha … OP discuss with your husband and then be super clear with yourself and ILs. I was in a similar situation and failed to be clear. A guest invited someone else to our house whom we really don’t like because they have repeatedly taken advantage of us. I felt extremely uncomfortable by the situation and tried to indirectly indicate the third party was not welcome. Didn’t succeed because I was not firm and direct. I wasn’t passive aggressive, but definitely a wuss and pushover. The originally uninvited party arrived, tensions escalated and even now everyone is upset. I toughened up since then, but the ultimate mess with the guests who were actually invited is 100% on me. Yes, they were rude to invite someone else, and, yes, the third party was rude to come when they knew they don’t like us and don’t have a good relationship with us. But, all that I needed to do was a simple “I’m sorry, no.”[/quote]

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