Drama over who pays for the wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

It is 100% the responsibility of the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, irrespective of family size and wealth. Our son got married about ten years ago and his fiancée’s parents didn’t offer to pay a thing. Yes, we own a successful business, have a 15,000 sqft home, a NW of $150M, and own $1M+ in automobiles, but this shouldn’t have mattered. We had to step up and foot the bill and what a total embarrassment and irrevocable loss of face that was for the father of the bride. He was a proud military man that was dishonorably released, demanded respect, but did nothing to earn it. My son and DIL are now completely estranged from her side of the family. We rightfully own all holidays, birthdays, and priority time with the grandchildren.

So you would have been fine with cake and punch at the VFW hall, if that’s what they could have afforded?

Seriously. The 150M net worth PP is a complete douchebag.

You all are so gullible. It’s sad

As I said, they're a douchebag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not following. A fiancee is a woman. Is your child the bride or groom or is a bride marrying a bride? You say you have two daughters but who is the DS?

Yeah, the OP’s post was a sh*tshow of errors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to spend a lot as the odds they last through med school and mba are very low.

Ouch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused by the sexes in this scenario. Do you have a dd or a ds? Are they engaged to a fiance? or a fiancee?

I’m so confused too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused by the sexes in this scenario. Do you have a dd or a ds? Are they engaged to a fiance? or a fiancee?

I’m so confused too

WTF? SMH…. S/O!

TLDR. I thought the BG provided by OP was perfectly clear. OP has a DD pursuing an MD and is planning to marry up to a DS [-in law] that is pursuing an MBA. DD’s MIL and FIL are expecting their DS’s MIL and FIL to pay for the wedding. ICYMI, this circles back to OP as the FIL or MIL in question and burdened with the traditional expectation of covering wedding expenses for their DD and her SO. FWIW, I think that the OP’s DD and her BF should just elope and be done with it. Depends on your POV, but YOLO, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?

It is 100% the responsibility of the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, irrespective of family size and wealth. Our son got married about ten years ago and his fiancée’s parents didn’t offer to pay a thing. Yes, we own a successful business, have a 15,000 sqft home, a NW of $150M, and own $1M+ in automobiles, but this shouldn’t have mattered. We had to step up and foot the bill and what a total embarrassment and irrevocable loss of face that was for the father of the bride. He was a proud military man that was dishonorably released, demanded respect, but did nothing to earn it. My son and DIL are now completely estranged from her side of the family. We rightfully own all holidays, birthdays, and priority time with the grandchildren.

So you would have been fine with cake and punch at the VFW hall, if that’s what they could have afforded?

Seriously. The 150M net worth PP is a complete douchebag.

You all are so gullible. It’s sad

As I said, they're a douchebag.

Correction: you’re the doucheball. Checkmate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the first step is to talk candidly with your daughter. Start getting a feel for the size/type of wedding and what the real numbers are, and then decide if it makes sense to broach the subject of her future in-laws contributing, and if so, the best way to go about that. Of course your future son in law should have input, too, but probably best to let your daughter handle.

Have the future in-laws offered to pay for anything? Typically if the bride's parents are paying for the wedding, the groom's family will pay for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. And many rehearsal dinners end up being mini weddings given the size of the wedding party, inviting out of town guests, etc. That's how my parents and in-laws divided it.

Prior comments that the bride and groom should pay are silly. They are just finishing college and have no money. The bride's parents can afford it and are obviously happy to contribute.

As parents of a groom, we did make the rehearsal dinner a mini wedding, and spent a ton. Also, the whole wedding occurred at our small summer community. So we didn’t feel an ounce of guilt that the bride’s family picked up the tab for the reception. The bride and groom paid for their own honeymoon, which was delayed.

So for the OP, if the groom’s parents are similarly stepping up to the plate, you may have nothing to complain about.

So what was the split on all costs and numbers attending? Based on numerous BIL-SIL costs and our own, the rehearsal isn't a comp to th main event. Traditional start point prior to actual allocations for costs was groom side picking up rehearsal dinner and bar bill for the main event, the wedding. Honeymoon=couple. All other add ons + venue=brides family.

We got married decades ago - my parents [bride] ended up paying for the main event with about 200% plus of our original guest list. I was very proud of a DC and now spouse who stuck to their chosen venue despite inlaw guest list count complaints. Thick headed inlaw wanted to add guests that would have meant a venue change. Offered to pay for 40 plus extras but capacity is capacity.

After this each of our next DC's that marries [male or female, same or opposite sex] gets equivalent $ spent whether it's direct to vendors/venues or cash only. Any combination. Might start gifting in 2023 to get that process started under tax limits. 2023 is 17k or $34,000 from a couple filing joint. Can't do the max.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brides parents paying all of the costs is not a thing anymore.

When I got married (my parents and dh’s are well off) our parents split the major vendors down the middle- venue/catering, liquor, flowers, orchestra/band, etc. then they each paid for their guests per head because my family had a larger guestlist.

If you are making a more extravagant wedding than they are comfortable with, they should chip in what they’re willing/able to.

I just posted about a DC wedding and the couple couldn't do that since the inlaw wanted to choose everything- too many strings. Bride-groom guest list was 51% bride and 49% groom despite higher count on bride side aunts-uncles, 1st cousins.

[Anonymous]

The couple pays themselves but then you aren’t entitled to invite a single person to their wedding. Including yourself.

Especially since you seem to expect to be able to invite a ton of people and the groom wants a much smaller wedding, yes I think you should pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Apart from the official wedding portrait, does anybody actually look at any of the photos again?

[Anonymous]

I’d be curious about the justification in 2023 for the argument that the bride’s family should pay for the wedding.

[Anonymous]

The OP made perfectly clear that we are talking about a heterosexual wedding so I don't understand the feigned confusion. She referred to her child as DD and to the fiance's parents as "his" parents. So just stop.

We have four daughters. Three are married. We paid for all three weddings and never asked the grooms' parents for anything. Each offered to contribute in some significant way, and when they did we accepted, but there was never any explicit discussion of money or cost-splitting. They'd say, for example, "let us pay for the liquor" and we'd say "great, thanks." One simply cut their son a check to do whatever he wanted with it. Etc. We then just did whatever we wanted.

OP's post makes clear that the groom-to-be doesn't want a big wedding. If that's the case, problem solved: OP pays for a small wedding to which only close family and friends are invited. Extended family on both sides and friends of the parents are excluded. End of story. If the groom-to-be were insisting on a big wedding that his parents were unwilling to pay for, it would be a different story. But that's not what's happening here. What appears to be happening is that OP herself (or maybe the bride too?) wants this to be a big wedding but wants the groom's parents to pitch in. She has no right to do that, because it goes against both the wishes of the groom himself and his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have boys and I will give them a gift to do what they want with it. They can throw a wedding party, they can elope, they can buy a house or they can buy bitcoin. I don’t care what they do with it. If their fiancée or whatever wants a big wedding then they can work it out. I just hope I’ve raised adults.

This is the answer right here. Set a budget, give the kid the money and let them choose how to spend it. I’m retrospect I wish I would have pocketed my wedding money and used it for a down payment on a nicer house. Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have boys and I will give them a gift to do what they want with it. They can throw a wedding party, they can elope, they can buy a house or they can buy bitcoin. I don’t care what they do with it. If their fiancée or whatever wants a big wedding then they can work it out. I just hope I’ve raised adults.

This is the answer right here. Set a budget, give the kid the money and let them choose how to spend it. I’m retrospect I wish I would have pocketed my wedding money and used it for a down payment on a nicer house. Live and learn.

Me too! I caved and used my own money to fund my parents' wedding dreams. Ah well, lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be curious about the justification in 2023 for the argument that the bride’s family should pay for the wedding.

I am as liberal and feminist as they come. I did not change my name after marriage etc.
BUT I have always wondered this- why is it that some traditions are not ok and (I agree) antiquated...like only bride's family paying for wedding-
but others are embraced....like an engagement ring.