Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

If you had such a great life and earning potential in S Korea you wouldn’t have moved to the us in the first place or be so against the idea of moving back for retirement. You did it for yourself and you sound like a terrible parent.

I don’t think that OP is a terrible parent. I think most people cannot comprehend how immigrants have to struggle here. Especially if you are white collar worker who is being exploited due to h 1 b visa. Years working for subsistence pay and unable to work to supplement income puts people in terrible economic situation.

Op, you have done great. Obviously your kid is very successful, you have equity, a good income and no debt. With social security, toh will be able to live quite well. I know so many retirees who have bought houses in Potomac with their adult children and have improved their finances. You must look at opportunities that can be a win-win for your entire family. Your grandkids included. You are in the right trajectory. The fact that you were exploited and underpaid should not make you sad. Lots of Scientists, researchers, engineers from Asia get similarly exploited here. But, your kid is doing well and your kid and you, together leapfrog into generational wealth in another 10 years if you plan correctly.

Thank you for this. Native-born Americans will never understand the immigrant experience.

Leapfrog into generational wealth if you plan correctly — what are the plans to take for this? What plans are you talking about? Do you mean having DW and I move in with DD into her house when we retire? Do you mean having DW pick up a side job? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is between you and your daughter.

Are you going to receive social security?

Yes, I will be. But won’t that run out by the time I’m in retirement?

Probably not. Americans like to say this but it is one of the most popular things our government does. It's unlikely to be eliminated. It will be adjusted, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

I was thinking the same thing. Seems more like a humblebrag post more than a “woe is me” post. Many people wish they had that much saved for retirement and had a house worth over a million dollars making six figures. The OP is doing better than 97% of the rest of the country.

OP here. I am confused. I see posts like this, and then I see others that say that I should cut my expenses aggressively and save 30% of my income. Which one is true?

OP, they are both true. Yes, you are better off than average Americans, if that is a comfort. However, you should probably save more if you want a comfortable retirement. And your wife should probably get a job.

I also feel behind reading this forum but we are in our mid 40's with $2 million in retirement ($250k HHI). We have far less home equity and are still saving for college for multiple kids though, and you are done with college, so you are doing better in that respect.

You can't compare yourself to the people claiming to make $500k HHI. If you read posts from those with $160k, most of those talk about how hard it is to save a lot for retirement. You are doing fine as long as you keep earning and don't plan to retire soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

Well, guess what. You DO owe her something for that, whether or not she’s hinting at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are fine. You have options. I find it funny that young Americans want their parents to help them for child raising, money for college, etc, but are horrified when they have to take care of parents,

Financial help us a two way street. Parents help their young kids, adult children help their elderly parents. That is normal around the world but not in US.

Yes, exactly. Kids are obligated to support their parents, especially if they took out a loan to pay for their kid’s college.

Again, most second-gen Korean-Americans in this area support their parents in retirement.

I’m the PP who said I’d cut OP off after writing a $40K check. I’m also second gen Asian-American.

My parents paid upwards of a half a million putting me through school. They would HATE needing money from me in retirement. Of course I’d help if they needed it, but I’d have to somehow sneak it to them.

It’s not that we are opposed to helping our parents, it’s OP’s attitude. This child literally is just graduating or something. OP, your wife needs to be a 24/7 servant to your daughter if these are your expectations, and you both need to submit to her authority on every decision. Because that’s what you get when you’re a leech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

If you had such a great life and earning potential in S Korea you wouldn’t have moved to the us in the first place or be so against the idea of moving back for retirement. You did it for yourself and you sound like a terrible parent.

I don’t think that OP is a terrible parent. I think most people cannot comprehend how immigrants have to struggle here. Especially if you are white collar worker who is being exploited due to h 1 b visa. Years working for subsistence pay and unable to work to supplement income puts people in terrible economic situation.

Op, you have done great. Obviously your kid is very successful, you have equity, a good income and no debt. With social security, toh will be able to live quite well. I know so many retirees who have bought houses in Potomac with their adult children and have improved their finances. You must look at opportunities that can be a win-win for your entire family. Your grandkids included. You are in the right trajectory. The fact that you were exploited and underpaid should not make you sad. Lots of Scientists, researchers, engineers from Asia get similarly exploited here. But, your kid is doing well and your kid and you, together leapfrog into generational wealth in another 10 years if you plan correctly.

Thank you for this. Native-born Americans will never understand the immigrant experience.

Leapfrog into generational wealth if you plan correctly — what are the plans to take for this? What plans are you talking about? Do you mean having DW and I move in with DD into her house when we retire? Do you mean having DW pick up a side job? Thanks.

You really shouldn't count on being able to move into your daughter's house. It could work if she married another Asian with similar cultural expectations, or someone else who is very flexible and open minded, but in general, this is not typically done here. If her spouse ends up not being on board, this could cause huge marital problems for her. Financial support is one thing, but living together is a step too far for a lot of Americans. There is no way I would live with my in-laws, though I would financially help if I could afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you retire to your home country? Will the cost of living there be less expensive where you can buy something outright with the proceeds from your home here and live off of social security? If your kid was born and raised in the US, it is not customary here for kids to pay for parents living expenses in retirement, so you cannot count on her paying those expenses.

You also have about 20 years to now concentrate on putting away money for your own retirement. In your situation you do not get to retire at 60. Max out everything you can for now and continue living frugally.

My home country is S. Korea. Anyone who knows the situation there understands that it’s a terrible place to retire.

Sure, it’s not expected for white Americans to pay for their parents retirement. But most Koreans do. Including the second-gen Korean-Americans we know in the DMV.

why is S. Korea a terrible place to retire? I'm curious.

I'm Korean American, but I came to the US as a baby so I have no clue what S. Korea is really like. I have never been there since. But, from what my friends/family who have been there have told me, S. Korea can be a great place to retire for Koreans. Housing in Seoul is expensive, but not in other cities. Why can't you retire in a lcol in S. Korea?

I'm Korean American and have gone back to live in Korea for periods of time. It's an amazing country! I prefer many things about it to the U.S., to be honest, though agree the school situation is challenging for kids so it was probably a smart move to come here.

But for retirement, I think it would be great! In fact I remember somewhere on this site there was a thread by someone asking if they should go back to Korea to retire and they got some good info, if you want to search for it.

PP here.. ha.. I recall that thread. I posted on it. My dad who is 89 is thinking of moving back to Korea once my mom passes (she's got dementia). He said he could live there quite well on his $1800/mo pension + social security. Language wouldn't be a problem, and he could take public transport easily. Here in the US, you need a car to get around, and he's now too old to drive. So, he's very reliant on my sibling who lives nearby.

I understand OP's point of relying on their DD to help out in retirement. We do that with my parents. They sacrificed a sh1t ton by moving here. It was not easy for them, but they knew we'd have a better life here than in Korea at the time (this was in 1970). I'm very grateful that my parents sacrificed so much so that we could have better lives here than they had in Korea. Of course, things are different now in Korea today: good, affordable healthcare (from what I hear), food is cheap, public transport is good. The only thing is housing is expensive (and tiny compared to the US).

My Korean BIL also immigrated here when he was in his 20s. His English wasn't great; still not great, still has an accent. My sister doesn't work. She raised two kids and now wants to enjoy her life with her friends. She helped put him through schooling here and sacrificed a lot herself. So, she hasn't worked in like 15 years; however, she did take odd jobs here and there in her 50s to make some extra cash. IMO, your wife should be working, even PT.
Their kids are now working in regular jobs that pay enough for them to be financially independent but not Wall St type income. My BIL is now able to contribute the max into his 401k since they are empty nesters now and haven't had to pay for college for the past 4 years.

Op, you have at least 10 more years of working. I suggest maxing out your retirement. IMO, if you max out, in 10 yrs your 401k balance could reach $1mil if not more.

I, too, am curious what the heck your wife does all day, even when your DD was living at home. By HS, your wife should've had more free time on her hands. I'm 52, two HS kids still at home, and I work FT. Is your wife depressed or something? Does she feel that menial jobs are beneath her, yet that is all she is qualified for? What does she do all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

She will. For her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

Well, guess what. You DO owe her something for that, whether or not she’s hinting at it.

I know exactly what I owe her - doing for my kids as much as she did for us.

[Anonymous]

Second? generation immigrant here (not Asian).
In my family, one of the daughters supported one parent In retirement. It was daughter’s (white) husband paying the bills and this caused stress in her marriage.

In the following generation, none of the kids need to support their parents in retirement. It’s hard enough these days to support a spouse and children, let alone older parents with medical needs.

Try to adjust your expected retirement expenses to match your savings levels so that your daughter is not expected to support you. A 30k 401k loan should not incur decades of ongoing expenses for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

If you had such a great life and earning potential in S Korea you wouldn’t have moved to the us in the first place or be so against the idea of moving back for retirement. You did it for yourself and you sound like a terrible parent.

I don’t think that OP is a terrible parent. I think most people cannot comprehend how immigrants have to struggle here. Especially if you are white collar worker who is being exploited due to h 1 b visa. Years working for subsistence pay and unable to work to supplement income puts people in terrible economic situation.

Op, you have done great. Obviously your kid is very successful, you have equity, a good income and no debt. With social security, toh will be able to live quite well. I know so many retirees who have bought houses in Potomac with their adult children and have improved their finances. You must look at opportunities that can be a win-win for your entire family. Your grandkids included. You are in the right trajectory. The fact that you were exploited and underpaid should not make you sad. Lots of Scientists, researchers, engineers from Asia get similarly exploited here. But, your kid is doing well and your kid and you, together leapfrog into generational wealth in another 10 years if you plan correctly.

Thank you for this. Native-born Americans will never understand the immigrant experience.

Leapfrog into generational wealth if you plan correctly — what are the plans to take for this? What plans are you talking about? Do you mean having DW and I move in with DD into her house when we retire? Do you mean having DW pick up a side job? Thanks.

OP, I am an immigrant too, and this is what I've seen other families do in NYC. When it's time for the kids to start a family, the generations pool resources and buy a duplex; the young family takes the bigger apartment upstairs, the parents take the in-laws/walk-in apartment. The grandma (and grandpa if he is retired) then takes upon herself ALL the childcare and logistics for the young family so they are not spending any money on childcare, which is a huge boost, and also know that they have a 100% reliable backup, so can work long hours, etc. Then when the grandparents eventually require help, the arrangement makes it easier to set something up.

But sounds like your wife feels entitled to not lifting a finger ever, so good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

I was thinking the same thing. Seems more like a humblebrag post more than a “woe is me” post. Many people wish they had that much saved for retirement and had a house worth over a million dollars making six figures. The OP is doing better than 97% of the rest of the country.

Okay, but how does OP compare to people here in this area? Doesn't seem great for being in his 50s.