When you didn’t “do enough” as a host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your thread title is very misleading. You think you did a lot as a host. Your sister thinks you don't. My suggestion? Aplogize and bow out from hosting in the future. Insist on providing a tasty dish to potluck celebrations and call it a day.

Thank you. But I’m not sure why I’d apologize? I did last night but honestly don’t know why I did except the fact that I hate conflict and am a people pleaser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your thread title is very misleading. You think you did a lot as a host. Your sister thinks you don't. My suggestion? Aplogize and bow out from hosting in the future. Insist on providing a tasty dish to potluck celebrations and call it a day.

+1. Best response yet. You don’t host after being criticized by a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your thread title is very misleading. You think you did a lot as a host. Your sister thinks you don't. My suggestion? Aplogize and bow out from hosting in the future. Insist on providing a tasty dish to potluck celebrations and call it a day.

Thank you. But I’m not sure why I’d apologize? I did last night but honestly don’t know why I did except the fact that I hate conflict and am a people pleaser.

You are saying "sorry" not to "apologize" for any wrong you have done in hosting. You are saying "sorry" to acknowledge to your sister that she did not enjoy the evening. That's it.

"Kate, sorry that you did not have the best time at dinner last time. Please feel free to host the family Christmas dinner from next year. I can contribute by making my mashed rutabaga dish that uncle Charlie likes so much and my famous Irish fish pie".

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a ton of background missing regarding OP and her sister. Also, I doubt that OP was picture perfect. We all have flaws and hosting is hard. Maybe there was tension with family? Either way, if sis doesn’t like it, change venues next year. If OP wants genuine pointers on her hosting, she’d have taken in prior points from PPs

[Anonymous]

Your sis sounds competitive or just like a jerk. Does not matter what flaws she found in your hosting (and I am not anti-app)—she should either be gracious and shut up, or find a time to chat later about it (ie, “you didn’t seem super excited to see us—was there something wrong?” Or “next time do you think we can start a little earlier? That time was a little late for my family”).

I’m sorry she hurt your feelings, OP. I get it. My sister grew out of her jerky impulses but she spent a lot of years cutting down my best efforts.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you are a people pleaser. Consider this. There is something about this role you like. You experience drama with your family. You know this. You must accept some responsibility - somehow you get something out of this. You are willing to keep the drama spinning. Break the pattern. Accept that: people may not like you. you might make someone mad.

You aren't a better person for being a people pleaser. You are just less evolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you are a people pleaser. Consider this. There is something about this role you like. You experience drama with your family. You know this. You must accept some responsibility - somehow you get something out of this. You are willing to keep the drama spinning. Break the pattern. Accept that: people may not like you. you might make someone mad.

You aren't a better person for being a people pleaser. You are just less evolved.

Op here. I actually get nothing out of the drama. I’m not sure I can accurately articulate how much it exhausts me mentally and physically as it’s an ongoing issue (just this particular issue on her part is new). I’ve been in a lot of therapy for the last couple of years to try to change my mindset, not be such a people pleaser and be ok with being disliked/making someone mad. I’ve made huge strides, but I’m not always perfect in how I handle situations like this. Believe me that I’ve put in (and continue to put in) the work. But there’s something about this crazy critical situations that sometimes make me default to old habits. Maybe I’m not as evolved as you, but I’m certainly trying to evolve, but it’s a process to undo decades of habits.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she wanted the appetizers evening to be “her thing” and is jealous you chose the same type of event and lashed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a ton of background missing regarding OP and her sister. Also, I doubt that OP was picture perfect. We all have flaws and hosting is hard. Maybe there was tension with family? Either way, if sis doesn’t like it, change venues next year. If OP wants genuine pointers on her hosting, she’d have taken in prior points from PPs

OP here, of course there’s a ton of background missing. Most people can’t capture all family dynamics in a short post. Every family, even seemingly perfect ones, have dynamics at play that can complicate even simple interactions. Was I picture perfect when hosting? Apparently not, but I honestly can’t think of anything that went even remotely close enough to as wrong as she seemed to think it was. Good thing she never had to go to my MILs, she’d have an absolute meltdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she wanted the appetizers evening to be “her thing” and is jealous you chose the same type of event and lashed out.

Op here, maybe? I didn’t consider that. I even gave her credit when communicating “it worked so well at Larla’s house last year, let’s do it again!” I’m pretty sure I’ve done it before too but it’s been awhile. IF I ever host again, which is a huge IF, I will probably ask people what they want to eat and what time they want to get together just to avoid this.

The irony is there are certain family members that only host at a certain time no matter the event and it’s not the most convenient always and it’s been gently brought up and the response is always “when I host, I get to decide the time, come or don’t come!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she wanted the appetizers evening to be “her thing” and is jealous you chose the same type of event and lashed out.

Op here, maybe? I didn’t consider that. I even gave her credit when communicating “it worked so well at Larla’s house last year, let’s do it again!” I’m pretty sure I’ve done it before too but it’s been awhile. IF I ever host again, which is a huge IF, I will probably ask people what they want to eat and what time they want to get together just to avoid this.

The irony is there are certain family members that only host at a certain time no matter the event and it’s not the most convenient always and it’s been gently brought up and the response is always “when I host, I get to decide the time, come or don’t come!”

Go to Costco - get some pre-made salad, rotisserie chicken, ready to bake mac and cheese and other sides, cake and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she wanted the appetizers evening to be “her thing” and is jealous you chose the same type of event and lashed out.

Op here, maybe? I didn’t consider that. I even gave her credit when communicating “it worked so well at Larla’s house last year, let’s do it again!” I’m pretty sure I’ve done it before too but it’s been awhile. IF I ever host again, which is a huge IF, I will probably ask people what they want to eat and what time they want to get together just to avoid this.

The irony is there are certain family members that only host at a certain time no matter the event and it’s not the most convenient always and it’s been gently brought up and the response is always “when I host, I get to decide the time, come or don’t come!”

Yeah, I think PP us on to something here. Sorry your sister was such a pill. I would have enjoyed your event immensely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL served Capri Suns and dinner rolls with a muzzled dog growling beside the table in a messy house full of empty beer cans. I still managed to act grateful.

Does your sister have a big appetite? Maybe hunger took over her brain.

Hey PP, please start your own thread. I need to know all the deets behind this amazing Christmas event!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. An update… turns out the big problem was i underestimated how many forks I needed and there wasn’t enough for dessert and I had to wash some first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. An update… turns out the big problem was i underestimated how many forks I needed and there wasn’t enough for dessert and I had to wash some first.

This is SOME bullshit.

There is no big problem. Sister is a pill. Tell her to eff off.