SIL wants us to write her girls letters at camp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my bottom line. Writing letters to our nieces and nephews in camp was never a thing in our family (come to think of it, neither was camp). But if my SIL asked me to write a letter to her seven-year-old, I'd either do it (probably) or not do it (less probable). The one thing I would not do for sure is post a thread on the internet complaining about my SIL for asking me to do it.

+1

I would be flattered that a message from me would be meaningful to them. You can’t have too much love in this world.

+1000
If it make a kid smile, why not? And maybe it will foster a relationship and you'll find out you have more in common than you thought.

x1000 for the three PPs. I also would write the note. In a heartbeat!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

+100 I blame a lot of this on the rwnjs who are trying to put women in their place back in 1950.

Wow. some of you guys are just ADAMENT about not having a relationship with your DH's side of the family. Which, to be honest, feels like you're just setting yourselves up for failure

DP. Failure? What failure? Not writing postcards doesn't mean I don't have or don't want a relationship with my DH's side of the family. What I DO want is to be able to have relationships on my terms, not what is dictated by someone else, especially people who hold outdated, patriarchal attitudes about the role of women - that includes women with those attitudes. If my DH's family don't like what I bring to a relationship and how I bring it, fine. Choices should be respected.

I would do it because I would want to write my nieces letters and have that connection with them, not because I was trying to cover for my husband's laziness or failings. If you and OP don't want that type of connection then don't write, but sometimes relationships are about what the other person wants and needs and not just what you want to give them.

Would you stop with the judgments? Just because you want to write letters doesn't mean someone who doesn't won't have "a connection" with their nieces/nephews. The best relationships are mutual. Judging someone because they don't want or do things you would do doesn't mean they're wrong or, in your words, 'a failure'.

If you're asking me if I'm judging people that don't want to have a relationship with their niece because its either too much work, or because the niece is not blood related, or because they are trying to prove a point to their husband...Yes, I judge that person.

You are correct; the best relationships are mutual. Its very unfortunate for that poor girl at camp that her aunt does not want a relationship with her.

Why do you care? I have nothing in common with my DH’s nieces. I don’t think there is anything “unfortunate” in that, and they have shown zero interest in having a relationship with me either. I am pleasant to them the once every couple years we meet. That’s fine.

DP. I'll add that the judgey poster also uses black/white langue. Not writing = failure; not writing = no connection; not writing = not wanting to have a relationship. We don't live in an 'either or' world! I judge you for your misogynistic judgements!

My guess is most of these posts are trolls. These are the same folks slamming nieces' grandmothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, you could have scrawled a few lines and handed it to your husband to do the same and post in the amount of time it took you to write this.

Time equivalents aren't the issue.

NP. Why, then?

Exactly, this doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

I love my niece. (DH’s sister’s daughter). Of course I would send a letter to camp. You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

+100 I blame a lot of this on the rwnjs who are trying to put women in their place back in 1950.

Wow. some of you guys are just ADAMENT about not having a relationship with your DH's side of the family. Which, to be honest, feels like you're just setting yourselves up for failure

DP. Failure? What failure? Not writing postcards doesn't mean I don't have or don't want a relationship with my DH's side of the family. What I DO want is to be able to have relationships on my terms, not what is dictated by someone else, especially people who hold outdated, patriarchal attitudes about the role of women - that includes women with those attitudes. If my DH's family don't like what I bring to a relationship and how I bring it, fine. Choices should be respected.

Relationships are give and take, never solely on one side’s terms. And the relationship here in question is between OP and her niece/nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, you could have scrawled a few lines and handed it to your husband to do the same and post in the amount of time it took you to write this.

Time equivalents aren't the issue.

NP. Why, then?

Exactly, this doesn’t make sense.

Really? You determine what you do by how much time it will take you to do it? I wouldn't do this because it strengthens the perception that I, a woman, am responsible for managing my DH's relationships with his family. It would send the message that I accept that this is a woman's responsibility - that I could be guilted into doing something. If I do this once, I'll be expected to do it again the next time this kid or other nieces/nephews go to camp. If it was something that I wanted to do, that would be different. OP doesn't want to do it and she shouldn't be judged for not doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

+100 I blame a lot of this on the rwnjs who are trying to put women in their place back in 1950.

Wow. some of you guys are just ADAMENT about not having a relationship with your DH's side of the family. Which, to be honest, feels like you're just setting yourselves up for failure

DP. Failure? What failure? Not writing postcards doesn't mean I don't have or don't want a relationship with my DH's side of the family. What I DO want is to be able to have relationships on my terms, not what is dictated by someone else, especially people who hold outdated, patriarchal attitudes about the role of women - that includes women with those attitudes. If my DH's family don't like what I bring to a relationship and how I bring it, fine. Choices should be respected.

Relationships are give and take, never solely on one side’s terms. And the relationship here in question is between OP and her niece/nephews.

Sure, but it's OP's SIL that's directing people to write. If writing a letter/postcard isn't OP's love language, she can easily find another way to foster the relationship - if she chooses. It's not like this is a one time opportunity. And, we all get to decide what we want to invest/do in a relationship. If the other person doesn't find that agreeable, they can choose to disengage. Each person has choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to do it, but it would take 5 minutes to scrawl a couple sentences, and it would likely make your niece happy. Why wouldn't you do it?

This. What’s the big deal? Are you normally this lazy ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

NP

It's not OP's niece. It's her husband's niece. Not her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

NP

It's not OP's niece. It's her husband's niece. Not her responsibility.

I find this attitude sad really. When you marry you don't just marry the one person but, you are supposed to join two families. What if you celebrated Christmas together and this same niece didn't get you a present because op isn't blood family. I bet everyone here would be up in arms!

If you only care about your 'blood' relatives feel free to ignore but, when a simple act would bring joy and love I don't know why you wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

NP

It's not OP's niece. It's her husband's niece. Not her responsibility.

I find this attitude sad really. When you marry you don't just marry the one person but, you are supposed to join two families. What if you celebrated Christmas together and this same niece didn't get you a present because op isn't blood family. I bet everyone here would be up in arms!

If you only care about your 'blood' relatives feel free to ignore but, when a simple act would bring joy and love I don't know why you wouldn't.

Why isn't her husband writing the letter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

NP

It's not OP's niece. It's her husband's niece. Not her responsibility.

I find this attitude sad really. When you marry you don't just marry the one person but, you are supposed to join two families. What if you celebrated Christmas together and this same niece didn't get you a present because op isn't blood family. I bet everyone here would be up in arms!

If you only care about your 'blood' relatives feel free to ignore but, when a simple act would bring joy and love I don't know why you wouldn't.

Why isn't her husband writing the letter?

I don't know and he should. But how does her dh's failure make up for op's failure to do something? She isn't giving a kidney! Why not be kind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, you could have scrawled a few lines and handed it to your husband to do the same and post in the amount of time it took you to write this.

Time equivalents aren't the issue.

NP. Why, then?

Exactly, this doesn’t make sense.

Really? You determine what you do by how much time it will take you to do it? I wouldn't do this because it strengthens the perception that I, a woman, am responsible for managing my DH's relationships with his family. It would send the message that I accept that this is a woman's responsibility - that I could be guilted into doing something. If I do this once, I'll be expected to do it again the next time this kid or other nieces/nephews go to camp. If it was something that I wanted to do, that would be different. OP doesn't want to do it and she shouldn't be judged for not doing it.

God, you sound unbearable.

No, you. Her aunt. You have a relationship with DH's family. And so does DH. But you have one too.

So sign the postcard with just your name. Let DH go buy his own postcard if you want.

Sure, she doesn't want to do it. But the fact that she doesn't want to do it doesnt make her any less of a bad aunt. (and DH a bad uncle).

[Anonymous]

NP here.

But I wonder if OP could share the language of the email from SIL.

"Here's Larla's address at camp this summer in case anyone is interested"

is way different than:

"Please send Larla mail once a week so she doesn't get homesick"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

NP

It's not OP's niece. It's her husband's niece. Not her responsibility.

I find this attitude sad really. When you marry you don't just marry the one person but, you are supposed to join two families. What if you celebrated Christmas together and this same niece didn't get you a present because op isn't blood family. I bet everyone here would be up in arms!

If you only care about your 'blood' relatives feel free to ignore but, when a simple act would bring joy and love I don't know why you wouldn't.

+100 - My husband’s sister’s daughters have always been my nieces and I have always been their aunt. I have been their confidant when they needed the perspective of a grown woman but weren’t yet ready to talk directly to their mom.