MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s crazy and a huge violation of normal boundaries. Get video doorbells on all doors ASAP. We have a Ring and we get text alerts when people stop by - and it recognizes people and tells you by name.

If my MIL or mother mentioned they would be out all day and would like to stop by and rest before a longg drive, we’d of course say it’s ok. It’s the sneaking and lying that crosses the line.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

What if OP and her H left their sex toys around? It's incredibly rude to stop by without warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s crazy and a huge violation of normal boundaries. Get video doorbells on all doors ASAP. We have a Ring and we get text alerts when people stop by - and it recognizes people and tells you by name.

If my MIL or mother mentioned they would be out all day and would like to stop by and rest before a longg drive, we’d of course say it’s ok. It’s the sneaking and lying that crosses the line.

Yup.

1000x yes. The problem here is not people needing help, it’s when certain people don’t bother to ask and make assumptions that involve violating peoples private space and boundaries. That is NOT OK.

This kind of a problem only arises with people who have poor boundaries. Furthermore, if it happened once and someone didn’t like it, the violator would immediately apologize out of respect for the others boundaries. A refusal to do so and doubling down just shows how they make it all about them versus just acknowledging that other people have preferences too.

It is OK for people to want a heads up if someone wants to come over or use their house. This in no way makes the home owner selfish or the worst person ever! That is the most absurd logic ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

This is not the issue. Of course they would. They asked that she let them know if she was coming over when they were oot and she refused.

The issue here is mil refuses to tell them she is going over when they are away.

This is NOT a bathroom issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

Swing and a miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

The question was not why she SHOULD not. It was why she COULD not. And you have not answered it.

No, she cannot use my house for simple convenience. It is my house, my rules, that’s why. She kept it secret because she knew these are the rules. So, no more door code. It’s not hard…except apparently to you.

[Anonymous]

just put a port o potty in front of the house and tell her to go there. she can use the hose if she needs a drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

So this might work for you and your family, but for a lot of families this is not the way that they function. Family still let each other know they would like to stop by etc… even if just as a formality. This doesn’t make these families dysfunctional by any measure.

Let’s say MIL and DIL with husband have different preferences. Well it is dil and husbands house so they get say in how they would like their house to be handled. If MIL disagrees she can handle her home differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

Oh honey. You are in for SUCH a rude awakening when and if you ever become a MIL.

Because Family is not a reason to treat other people’s houses as your own. You have a house: that’s your space. My house is my space and my husband’s space, and while we welcome family and friends often, no one is going to be there without knowledge or permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

+1 this family is doomed

[Anonymous]

Build your mother in law an in law apartment since you don’t want to be inconvenienced by her presence when you’re not even there. That will make your life so much easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

No she’s not overreacting. There is no reason why MIL could not call or text her son or DIL to make sure it was OK to do this. This is a huge violation and I’m glad OP and DH are on the same page.

Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have called or texted first. Even if it was a bathroom emergency or feeling ill and she was telling not asking to come by, she should have said, “I wanted you to know I stopped by the house today after shopping because I needed to use the restroom and get water before getting back on the road. I’ll ask in the future but this time was kind of urgent.” Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have done at least that.

Depends how old she is, mine can’t text and some days they can hardly figure out how to call anyone.

Well, that would be another issue and someone who can't make a phone call probably should not be driving a car to Trader Joe's and other stores or entrusted with a house code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

Aaaaabsolutely not. She never gets the code again, OP.