Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

Dude, she wants to use the money you saved up for the down payment. She has no money to contribute WTH? She has worked and just assumed you will use all of your money for the downpayment? What exacting is she contributing? You think she will be one of those SAHMs that will clean the house, make fresh meals, etc. I bet she will need a nanny, housekeeper, etc. Watch out!

[Anonymous]

Make sure she doesn’t “accidentally” get pregnant now.

[Anonymous]

My divorced is like your fiancé. She is just always wants more. Her husband made very good money but it wasn’t quite enough. They fought constantly about money after getting married, not so much before. She was working and they rented an apt together. They both knew they wanted kids.

My friend quit her job to have babies right away. They ended up buying a townhouse and she spent a lot furnishing the house. They did not get pregnant right away and the Dh ended up not wanting to go further with her. He started treating my friend like a gold digger. The whole situation was rather unfortunate.

I’m now a sahm of 3 kids. I didn’t want to be a sahm when we got married. People are allowed to change. At least OP’s fiancé has shown OP what she wants in life and OP can decide if it is also what he wants.

[Anonymous]

At least she is telling you this stuff before the wedding. Sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart about each of your wants/needs for the future, and if they don't match up, call it quits.

She'll probably keep the ring but it's still cheaper than a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She put on a false pretense to get the ring and now her real self is emerging.

+100

Women will twist and mold themselves into what they think the man wants in order to 'seal the deal', 'get the ring', 'get him to leave his wife', etc., etc.

And then when it's done, the real self slowly starts emerging.

You were lucky to see this before any actual vows and marital commitments were made.

Get out.

+200

She played you - she told you what you wanted to hear.

[Anonymous]

Why put the engagement on hold? Does this mean you’re back to BF/GF status? Why can’t you be engaged and do therapy at the same time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save 90% of what you make? You are cheap.

OP here. That’s was bit of exaggeration but I save majority of my money. I live in a paid off condo my parents bought as their vacation home in VA. I make roughly $400k and live on about $40k a year. I have no debt and don’t buy things I don’t need. I pay them a small rent fee, utilities, household necessities, food, and phone bill. I spend roughly 2500-3000k a month. Some months I spend more. I’ve been able to save a ton during the pandemic with everything closed down. I’ve been able to save a large amount of money by living like this.

I think it’s going to be hard to find someone to match your level of frugality which is pretty extreme, and maybe even unhealthy (you need to have some risk tolerance to grow wealth.). But certainly you can find someone who is closer to your values, as it sounds like she takes money for granted which is an opposite extreme and a recipe for disastrous marriage. If you do stay together, several counselors/therapists have premarital sessions they offer to go over these issues so you know going in what your beliefs are.

OP, I have a feeling the issue is you. Your lifestyle is unhealthy and if you continue this you will wake up one day and realize life passed you by. I’m a former FIRE enthusiast and realized how much I missed out on. I’m now incredibly wealthy almost 10 million and 40 and have no one to share it with. Sure I can find a girl to marry but she will be doing it for money and now I feel to old to have kids. I’m very depressed. For the love of god keep this girl, but her the house, have babies and learn to be happy

No, you want to be miserable as you don't have to reveal to any woman out of the gate how much you are worth or what you have, finances don't come into play until way down the road and if you can't tell before then if someone genuinely loves you or not spend some of that money you have on some therapy and date coaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had a long talk this morning and we have decided to put our engagement on hold and go to couples therapy. I worry that couples therapy this early into a relationship is not a good sign, but I do love her and I’m willing I try to work past our differences. I explained my situation and how she had done a 180 and how that is concerning to me. She said she didn’t think it was a big issue but can now see it from my side. She loves me and wants to marry and wants to put in the effort to see if we can resolve these issues.

As for being cheap, I’m not. Some may think I am because I lived on $40k/year for many years, but that was just to build up my wealth so I can afford things like a nice home, wedding, and kids. My parents did the same. We live together and I no longer live on $40k/year, but I’m still frugal so I can save. I stroll enjoy life - nice clothes bought on major holidays, nice car I paid off, once a year vacations, etc., that are outside of the $40k/year because they are not as frequent. I bought my gf a $20k ring and will be buying a $1-1.5m house. I’m willing to live far beyond the $40k I’m used to living on because I know I can with the savings. I’m 35 and have no debt and a savings of about $2m. I know a family will require a larger budget and I’m willing to expand it, but it’s nice to know my wife and I and my future kids will have a safety net to rely on.

You sound more reasonable here, but honestly I still don't think this is the right woman for you and I fear she is saying what you want to hear so that she can get down the aisle and get you hemmed in. Once you are married it will be hard(er) to end this relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

This feels extremely trollish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

Seriously, it was just the sex clouding your judgment. Please let big brain be in charge next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

This feels extremely trollish.

OP here. You can believe whatever you want but it’s not. We sat down Sunday ( yesterday) morning and had this long conservation and decided we needed to go to couples therapy to work things out and get on a better page. She seemed happy and into it but then her attitude changed throughout the day. Last night she said she talked it over with a friend and that she decided we need to take a break. She felt I was disrespectful by asking her to go to couples therapy and talk through issues when there is nothing wrong. She loves me but she’s no longer sure I’m the right fit if I’m not willing to give her the things she wants. She told me she needed a break and will contact me throughout the week to check in while she decides what is the best for her.

I was very upset because I do love her and I do want to marry her. I’ve never felt this way about a woman and I really thought her agreeing to go to therapy was a good sign. I figured I may have misjudged things and maybe the red flags are something we can work through. I talked to my mom and she told me they never liked her and felt she wasn’t right for me. She doesn’t think I should get back together with her. I went to lunch today with friends and they all voiced how they thought I was choosing the wrong person to marry but they wanted to support me because they could tell I loved her. Two of my friends wives came and they told me that she is hoping I will change my mind on these things and will need to take a break until I agree to give her what she wants. They told me to not get back together with her. As much as it hurts and sucks, it will only get worse once we’re married, and I deserve who doesn’t see me as their bank account to fund a lifestyle.

I’m going to give it some time to think but I’m considering ending it for good if everyone on here and everyone in my personal life is telling me she’s not the right fit for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: We broke up. She decided to dump me because she said she is having second thoughts about what kind of man I am and doesn’t feel it’s right for her. She wants to take a break and have some time to think about what she really wants in life. I’m upset because we just said we would work things out, but my family/friends told me it’s for the better and to not get back together. Apparently they didn’t like her but kept their mouth shut because I loved her and was so into her. My mom said she could tell she never liked her and didn’t think she was right for me.

This feels extremely trollish.

OP here. You can believe whatever you want but it’s not. We sat down Sunday ( yesterday) morning and had this long conservation and decided we needed to go to couples therapy to work things out and get on a better page. She seemed happy and into it but then her attitude changed throughout the day. Last night she said she talked it over with a friend and that she decided we need to take a break. She felt I was disrespectful by asking her to go to couples therapy and talk through issues when there is nothing wrong. She loves me but she’s no longer sure I’m the right fit if I’m not willing to give her the things she wants. She told me she needed a break and will contact me throughout the week to check in while she decides what is the best for her.

I was very upset because I do love her and I do want to marry her. I’ve never felt this way about a woman and I really thought her agreeing to go to therapy was a good sign. I figured I may have misjudged things and maybe the red flags are something we can work through. I talked to my mom and she told me they never liked her and felt she wasn’t right for me. She doesn’t think I should get back together with her. I went to lunch today with friends and they all voiced how they thought I was choosing the wrong person to marry but they wanted to support me because they could tell I loved her. Two of my friends wives came and they told me that she is hoping I will change my mind on these things and will need to take a break until I agree to give her what she wants. They told me to not get back together with her. As much as it hurts and sucks, it will only get worse once we’re married, and I deserve who doesn’t see me as their bank account to fund a lifestyle.

I’m going to give it some time to think but I’m considering ending it for good if everyone on here and everyone in my personal life is telling me she’s not the right fit for me.

She just did you a huge favor. Eject from that toxic relationship with a very toxic materialist.

Start dating ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Dude. All your friends and family are saying to not get back together. That consensus usually means something. Listen to them!

[Anonymous]

Women in general are flighty. On every decision. I get into arguments with my wife all the time over simple decisions. It seems like we’re settled on a fking restaurant or whatever and she changes it at the last minute. Men are better at forming concrete plans. Sorry if you don’t like this answer, but it’s true. Men are just more decisive.