SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

I'm pleased that most of the responses are supportive. OP, I think it is wonderful. The reality is that most families work better when there is someone at home.

We made the same choice in our family - except my husband was the one who stayed home after our kids were born and has been home for more than a decade. We were both lawyers and he was miserable, and our kids were born during the financial collapse in 2008. We decided he would stay home and it has worked well. My only regret is that I'm not able to dial back and stay home now that I am 50. Working is very overrated.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In 2022, family structures and lifestyles have changed, cost of living has gone up, two income household isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity. To be be brutally honest, not many women have such choices. Not everyone out there is doing meaningful or interesting work, people ate trying to make ends meet or maintain life styles even if they hate their jobs and lives or if personal or family life is suffering. Mental health is in crisis mode for all age groups.

I definitely hear what your saying. And I know I’m very fortunate to have this choice. But when I first made this decision over a decade ago, it wasn’t a choice. Child care was more than my salary and I kept getting pregnant in spite of birth control. I’m THAT statistic. We made many sacrifices and were dirt poor for a long time. My husband can be proud of getting us to this point! He has worked hard to get us here.

Don’t apologize, be proud of what you two have built together.

I mean, it’s okay to question OP’s apparent haplessness in the birth control department. There are so many damn options. One mistake, okay. Multiple mistakes? Sloppy.

Not sloppy. It happens. My OB wanted to do a study on our super fertility!

Off topic, but is “super fertility” really the term for this…? More like “body doesn’t function as expected on birth control.” What kind were you using? I’ve gotten pregnant 3 times in the first month trying and other than that have never been pregnant. So I must be pretty fertile AND my birth control has worked for 15+ years.

See this on super fertility:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-is-super-fertility-recurrent-miscarriages

Right, that’s not what OP says she has - is that your point? Birth control would prevent was is being described in that article.
I just have a problem with this idea of “I’m so fertile, birth control just doesn’t work for me!” I really don’t think that’s an accurate way of looking at it.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why anyone else should care. You're both in agreement that you're doing what's best for your family.

And as part of a household where both parents WOH, I'd kill for a SAHM!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Even if you had saved while staying home, you wouldn’t have had access to a 401k. Sounds like some of these husband are really tricking their stay at home spouses into thinking they are contributing to retirement accounts. They aren’t. Good for them for saving, but they aren’t saving in retirement accounts besides maybe a small IRA

“Tricking”? See, this is the distrust I speak of.

Well PP thinks she has retirement accounts that aren’t even retirement accounts. Sounds to be like her DH was a bit misleading, no? How would you react if I told you my employer told me I was contributing to retirement accounts that ended up NOT being retirement accounts? Would you think that was honest?

Or she just misunderstood what he told her.

[Anonymous]

My mother never returned to the workforce after stopping working in the mid 1970s, even before her first child was born. She'd been a teacher and was unhappy in a difficult school situation so my father suggested she stop working and they try for a family. She was in her mid 20s.

She's been very happy. She keeps herself busy and occupied and has never questioned that she didn't work. If you're happy and life is good, then why worry what others think?

I do work, but so what? I really don't see my work any differently than a SAHM, it's just a different way to occupy the day, and I've already pretty much gone as far as I can and while it's fine, being a generic senior manager at a big company still means when I retire/die no one is going to give me a merit award and I won't have accomplished anything more meaningful than someone who stayed at home the entire time. It's just pushing paper from one end of the desk to the other and keeping the ball rolling.

We live in very judgmental times with everyone seemingly judging and comparing each other on how accomplished or how moral or how righteous we can be and it's a disservice. I used to worry about how others saw me, but one day I realized life for most people is effectively just keeping the ball rolling as best as we can, regardless of where we were or what we did or who we were. Live decently, be a nice person, take pleasure in your family and friends, and enjoy a few treats every now and then. That's what life really is all about. Everything else is just invented angst.

[Anonymous]

People who have the luxury of this choice - staying home or working full time - should do what they want, OP. For many if not most women, it is not even an option.

The financial aspects are important but aren’t the only important thing to consider. I stayed home for several years. I wish I hadn’t. I think I was depressed, and I knew a number of SAHMs who were medicated for depression and anxiety. I’m happier working, but that’s just me. Watch for depression and anxiety, especially as your kids grow up and your role changes, and as you hit perimenopause, which can wreak havoc on your mind and body.

Just enjoy your life. All we really have is now.

[Anonymous]

There is a reason this was the model for a long period of time. We both work and we are both drowning and have a varying degrees of resentment for the other depending on the day. It seems less complicated for each spouse to have their lane. Good for you for finding what works for your family, OP. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Ive been a SAHM for a decade too. My youngest is still in preschool, but I don't ever see going back to work. There isn't enough benefit. Plus the career I left when I had children is no longer an option for me. I loved it, but that ship has sailed. The options I would have now would be fine and reasonable if I needed to work, but I don't. My time is better spent at home being available for my family. My husband has very long and strenuous work hours with many weekends and nights in addition to the normal work day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 2022, family structures and lifestyles have changed, cost of living has gone up, two income household isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity. To be be brutally honest, not many women have such choices. Not everyone out there is doing meaningful or interesting work, people ate trying to make ends meet or maintain life styles even if they hate their jobs and lives or if personal or family life is suffering. Mental health is in crisis mode for all age groups.

I definitely hear what your saying. And I know I’m very fortunate to have this choice. But when I first made this decision over a decade ago, it wasn’t a choice. Child care was more than my salary and I kept getting pregnant in spite of birth control. I’m THAT statistic. We made many sacrifices and were dirt poor for a long time. My husband can be proud of getting us to this point! He has worked hard to get us here.

Don’t apologize, be proud of what you two have built together.

I mean, it’s okay to question OP’s apparent haplessness in the birth control department. There are so many damn options. One mistake, okay. Multiple mistakes? Sloppy.

Not sloppy. It happens. My OB wanted to do a study on our super fertility!

Off topic, but is “super fertility” really the term for this…? More like “body doesn’t function as expected on birth control.” What kind were you using? I’ve gotten pregnant 3 times in the first month trying and other than that have never been pregnant. So I must be pretty fertile AND my birth control has worked for 15+ years.

See this on super fertility:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-is-super-fertility-recurrent-miscarriages

Right, that’s not what OP says she has - is that your point? Birth control would prevent was is being described in that article.
I just have a problem with this idea of “I’m so fertile, birth control just doesn’t work for me!” I really don’t think that’s an accurate way of looking at it.

+1 this really drives me crazy. Fertility is binary, you are either capable of getting pregnant or you are not. It's not a spectrum. Someone people aren't magically able to thwart birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 2022, family structures and lifestyles have changed, cost of living has gone up, two income household isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity. To be be brutally honest, not many women have such choices. Not everyone out there is doing meaningful or interesting work, people ate trying to make ends meet or maintain life styles even if they hate their jobs and lives or if personal or family life is suffering. Mental health is in crisis mode for all age groups.

I definitely hear what your saying. And I know I’m very fortunate to have this choice. But when I first made this decision over a decade ago, it wasn’t a choice. Child care was more than my salary and I kept getting pregnant in spite of birth control. I’m THAT statistic. We made many sacrifices and were dirt poor for a long time. My husband can be proud of getting us to this point! He has worked hard to get us here.

Don’t apologize, be proud of what you two have built together.

I mean, it’s okay to question OP’s apparent haplessness in the birth control department. There are so many damn options. One mistake, okay. Multiple mistakes? Sloppy.

Not sloppy. It happens. My OB wanted to do a study on our super fertility!

Off topic, but is “super fertility” really the term for this…? More like “body doesn’t function as expected on birth control.” What kind were you using? I’ve gotten pregnant 3 times in the first month trying and other than that have never been pregnant. So I must be pretty fertile AND my birth control has worked for 15+ years.

See this on super fertility:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-is-super-fertility-recurrent-miscarriages

Right, that’s not what OP says she has - is that your point? Birth control would prevent was is being described in that article.
I just have a problem with this idea of “I’m so fertile, birth control just doesn’t work for me!” I really don’t think that’s an accurate way of looking at it.

+1 this really drives me crazy. Fertility is binary, you are either capable of getting pregnant or you are not. It's not a spectrum. Someone people aren't magically able to thwart birth control.

You are absolutely wrong. Fertility is NOT binary. See number 10. Women whose birth control fails are “very, very fertile”.

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/signs-you-might-be-super-fertile-because-your-body-can-tell-you-a-lot

Also:
https://natalist.com/blogs/learn/signs-of-high-fertility

[Anonymous]

I gave up my career to support hubs and raise children and when kids were gone, there was no way to get back into my profession with a big gap on my resume. It wasn’t worth for me to pick up some random job so I decided to accept it as a retirement. I’m a homebody and not ambitious so it’s comforting to spend my life as it pleases me. I don’t have the urge or energy to go on a work wheel, rather enjoy my peace now.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like to discussing my health issues with everyone so people probably judge me for staying home. Nobody knows other person’s problems so easy to judge by the cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, since my oldest was born. Before becoming a SAHM I was a teacher making about 40,000 a year so not only did my husband and I decide that it was valuable for us to have a parent home w/ our kids when they were little rather than sending them to daycare, my salary was low enough that the cost of a good daycare would've been similar to what I was making so financially it made sense for me to SAH too, especially once we had a 2nd kid 2 years after the 1st.

Now my oldest is in 1st grade and my youngest is in her last year of preschool. In fall 2022 she'll start kindergarten and both kids will be gone daily from 9:30-4. I could get a job. I'd LIKE to get a job because I miss having a life outside the home, I want to contribute financially to our household, I want my kids to see that both men and women work and equity in relationships/between male and female spouses in particular is important to me. But I want it to be a job that's flexible enough that when there are random days off of school or my kids are sick and need to stay home from school (or they have virtual school bc of Covid related things that likely still will be happening next school year), I can be there for my kids. And I want a job where I can work from 9:45/10 (after I drop kids at school) until 3-3:30 so I can be there to pick them up from school and be home w/ them after school hours and take them to after school activities. I'm brainstorming but I so far don't know of any jobs that would be flexible enough for me/where I could work the hours I want and take time off whenever I need to so that I can be with my kids as much as I want to be.

I hope I'm able to come up with an idea that will work for me/us but if not, I refuse to feel any guilt in staying at home. I will volunteer, I will manage the household, I will take care of myself and my spouse and kids. And there's no shame in that. It's important, meaningful work too.

I wish that: a) people didn't work so many hours in this country, b) there was a generous amount of paid parental leave after a baby is born and also just paid leave/sick leave in general so people don't have to worry about that every time a kid is sick, and c) that childcare was more affordable. If all of those things were the case, I probably would've never left my job in the first place. I loved teaching. I feel like yes, we were very fortunate that I was able to be a SAHM at all and many people don't have that choice but also, no one should have to have their kids in daycare from 7am-7pm while working long hours. Let people work 5-6 hours a day. That's much more reasonable work/life balance and most jobs are really not that important that people need to be working 40-60 hour weeks.

Then start looking for a job. I find that many SAHMs use the work hours and leave as an excuse. It’s like they have this narrative in their head about how they won’t find a job with enough leave or decent hours but they haven’t even interviewed for a job!!! Find a job, get an offer and then figure out if the benefits work for you. Almost every woman I know who works has a somewhat flexible job. The work place is more flexible than ever. I hate to sound mean but the stuff you write just sounds like an excuse. Like you have anxiety about returning to work so you’re waxing some narrative about how you won’t have enough leave and you’ll be away 10 hours a day. I mean you’ve been out of work almost a decade. Perhaps things have changed??? Seriously just start looking for a job and go from there. Unless you want to be unemployed another 7 years from now telling the same sob story about how working would require no sick leave and long hours. Sounds like you’re done having kids so stop using the parental leave as an excuse too.

DP but did you see that she was a teacher before? Teaching is set hours you must be in the building plus all the unofficial time teachers spend working off the clock. Maybe she could be a paraprofessional or something but really, no there are not a ton of flexible hour/PT jobs that are that desirable.

Also, i don’t think she’s using parental leave as excuse for herself so much as just stating that in general for many women, since we don’t have paid parental leave in the US, that messes w a lot of parents’ especially women’s career prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 2022, family structures and lifestyles have changed, cost of living has gone up, two income household isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity. To be be brutally honest, not many women have such choices. Not everyone out there is doing meaningful or interesting work, people ate trying to make ends meet or maintain life styles even if they hate their jobs and lives or if personal or family life is suffering. Mental health is in crisis mode for all age groups.

I definitely hear what your saying. And I know I’m very fortunate to have this choice. But when I first made this decision over a decade ago, it wasn’t a choice. Child care was more than my salary and I kept getting pregnant in spite of birth control. I’m THAT statistic. We made many sacrifices and were dirt poor for a long time. My husband can be proud of getting us to this point! He has worked hard to get us here.

Don’t apologize, be proud of what you two have built together.

I mean, it’s okay to question OP’s apparent haplessness in the birth control department. There are so many damn options. One mistake, okay. Multiple mistakes? Sloppy.

Not sloppy. It happens. My OB wanted to do a study on our super fertility!

Off topic, but is “super fertility” really the term for this…? More like “body doesn’t function as expected on birth control.” What kind were you using? I’ve gotten pregnant 3 times in the first month trying and other than that have never been pregnant. So I must be pretty fertile AND my birth control has worked for 15+ years.

See this on super fertility:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-is-super-fertility-recurrent-miscarriages

Right, that’s not what OP says she has - is that your point? Birth control would prevent was is being described in that article.
I just have a problem with this idea of “I’m so fertile, birth control just doesn’t work for me!” I really don’t think that’s an accurate way of looking at it.

+1 this really drives me crazy. Fertility is binary, you are either capable of getting pregnant or you are not. It's not a spectrum. Someone people aren't magically able to thwart birth control.

You are absolutely wrong. Fertility is NOT binary. See number 10. Women whose birth control fails are “very, very fertile”.

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/signs-you-might-be-super-fertile-because-your-body-can-tell-you-a-lot

Also:
https://natalist.com/blogs/learn/signs-of-high-fertility

DP, and those sources aren't great, but of course fertility is on a spectrum. I'm one of those woman who, when not on hormonal contraception, started menstruating at the exact same time of day, every 28 days. I got pregnant within the first month of trying for each of our three kids, when I was between the ages of 35 and 40 years. No miscarriages. Compare that with women who do get pregnant, but it takes 6-12 months of trying, or women who get pregnant with interventions. Now, if birth control fails repeatedly, that's almost certainly human error, coupled with someone on the more fertile end of the spectrum.

As for this thread: do what works for your family, OP. As long as you don't need to tell yourself "most families function better with a SAHP" or some other rationalization to be happy, it's no one's business but your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then start looking for a job. I find that many SAHMs use the work hours and leave as an excuse. It’s like they have this narrative in their head about how they won’t find a job with enough leave or decent hours but they haven’t even interviewed for a job!!! Find a job, get an offer and then figure out if the benefits work for you. Almost every woman I know who works has a somewhat flexible job. The work place is more flexible than ever. I hate to sound mean but the stuff you write just sounds like an excuse. Like you have anxiety about returning to work so you’re waxing some narrative about how you won’t have enough leave and you’ll be away 10 hours a day. I mean you’ve been out of work almost a decade. Perhaps things have changed??? Seriously just start looking for a job and go from there. Unless you want to be unemployed another 7 years from now telling the same sob story about how working would require no sick leave and long hours. Sounds like you’re done having kids so stop using the parental leave as an excuse too.

No, you don’t! Haha you love sounding like you’ve got it all figured out and PP is an idiot.

Have you ever taught before? PP said she was a teacher before becoming a SAHM. I used to be a teacher too and easily worked 10 hours a day. Yes, I had the school year calendar so that aspect would be very good for raising kids who are home in the summer and on all school breaks. However, teachers don’t get much paid leave and especially now with the sub shortages, it’s not easy to get coverage so you often don’t have the option of being gone when you need to (when kids get sick, etc).

Now of course she doesn’t have to go back to teaching but she’s not wrong that it isn’t easy to find a job w the type of flexible hours and leave she desires that is also a worthwhile/meaningful job.