Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse
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Anonymous
Me too. DH is handsome, kind, well-read, funny, an excellent dad, a decent cook, generous in bed, and never angry or rude. We enjoy the same activities, shows, and politics. Unfortunately he is also low drive, has hoarding tendencies, and displays poor executive function leading to underemployment. I honestly believe all three are related, some kind of anxiety / repression combo he's not willing to deal with. |
DH is otherwise absolutely perfect for me (not objectively perfect, but I personally have no other complaints).
Anonymous
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DW
Pretty, great as-, could lose ten pounds Sexy, sexy dresser Great in bed, about once/week, occasionally less, occasionally more Highly educated, good schools Speaks three languages, well-traveled Well read, interesting, curious, charming, fun--great dinner party guest Underemployed and part-time A bit disorganized Moody, suffers from depression but takes meds Introverted and needs a lot of rest (No kids together and won't have any. I have grown kids from first marriage). |
Anonymous
Does she tell everyone about her worthless PhD? |
Anonymous
You H is almost my mini-me, but I'm not OCD about time and I'm not good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries - W here. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP wife. Has he always been like this, or getting worse with age and life responsibilities? It does sound like he could be helped by treating the underlying psych. causes. I personally suffer from ADHD and anxiety. Neither of these generally affect my sex drive, but sometimes not being able to cope with everything to my satisfaction leads to extra stress and really inefficient work, which leads to fatigue and low self esteem, which leaves less room for sex. In the case of my wonderful DH, I think he's just innately lower drive, unfortunately. He could keep up with me when we first started dating, but by year 2-3, I could tell there was a difference. Outside of the bedroom, he is very high achieving and emotionally well adjusted. In fact, maybe my high drive is related to my neediness haha. But sex drives are not constant over one's lifetime, so who knows what will happen going forward. |
Anonymous
NP. Ten drinks in a day is absolutely alcoholic territory. Confining the heaviest drinking to weekends does not mean he isn't alcoholic; the DW should read up on "weekend alcoholics" and binge drinking. Would also wonder: It's a strong positive he spends time with DCs in activites they like, but if he is also someone who deems people inferior to himself and gets angry when things are not done "correctly" -- he will eventually turn those behaviors on the children, even if he seems like a good dad right now re: activities and interactions. Either he'll start to pick at their "doing things the wrong way" or he will insist they do everything perfectly and need no correction or discipline. Either route is terrible for kids and teens to grow up with. Plus, sounds like maybe they won't get to head to college since dad is so self-centered he wont' save for college even with a very high income. Wow. Does it seem like maybe he doesn't actually care about their futures, he only enjoys doing stuff with them for the moment, now that the kids are malleable and "fun" to him. The ONLY thing that PP mentions that is positive about the DH's relationship with her as his wife is that the sex is good. That weighs little compared to everything else. DCUM thinks good sex is the ultimate reason for being or staying married. But sex won't mean much when they approach an impoverished retirement due to college bills, and have kids who are either cowed or spoiled, and DW feels belittled and isolated (he only sees his own family and friends...wonder how often SHE has said no to her own friends and family because DH didn't want to do something?). All those things are not magically made OK by his income and good sex. It sounds like a marriage that could stumble along for decades because it's mostly OK and well-funded on the surface, and the DW will wake up to find she doesn't even like the alcoholic she's married to, once the kids are gone. I'm sorry for her. |
Anonymous
I left out that he’s highly — and I mean highly — critical. He can continue criticizing my character for over an hour and it’s non stop. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do he’s never going to be in love with me as I would like someone to be. Maybe I should be with you instead? |
Anonymous
Not PP, but hugs to you. I'm just flabbergasted that a person could treat their spouse that way. It's maddening to me. Unless you are a chronic liar, cheater, embezzler, philanderer, child abuser etc, and deserve hour long critiques of your character -- that would be unacceptable to me. My mother would go on at lengths at how I dress sloppy (not my priority these days with 2 toddlers and 100% WFH), don't keep a clean enough house (true!), waste money on unnecessary things (we are actually very reasonable and frugal, but she's a first gen immigrant who is extremely tight with money), waste food by letting it spoil (true and I hate it but it takes some time management to completely avoid), don't train my husband well enough (eye roll)....she can literally scold me for hours nonstop. There's huge generational and cultural gaps that have led me to give up on changing her. I just try to minimize my exposure instead. but I would never put up with this from a spouse though. |
Anonymous
He’s working on it and I know he has some past childhood issues to overcome about how he wasn’t heard, and his needs weren’t taken into account. However I really appreciate your comment and I need to consider whether this is acceptable to me or not. A request to change something that’s bothering him would be totally acceptable, if it came with a good faith trust that I was willing and able to do it. But that’s not what this is. I could be doing the very things he is accusing me of not doing in the moment and he just can’t see it. I get the feeling when he’s ranting that he is in the grip of some very strong emotion and unable to get back to a loving and trusting partnership. I know this is his issue but it really wears on me, despite all of the above good things which I fully acknowledge. |
Anonymous
LOL! He's pretty quirky and would definitely get him recognized. But sort of along the lines of, super passionate about growing rare species of orchids. So the house is full of orchids, he took a job next to an orchid field so he can be around them all day, comes home randomly super excited about the new orchid he found, after the kids are in bed and I'm ready for some action he'll say "I wanna go look at my orchids" and wanders off for an hour to fiddle around with them. I find it SO adorable. |
Anonymous
| ^i had a boyfriend who kept two citrus trees on his patio and used to talk to them about baseball. That was pretty adorable. |
Anonymous
Yes, I hope my comment didn't come off as judgmental. I truly just want to give you a hug through the internet because you don't deserve that type of behavior. But it does seem that his behavior may be changeable, if hopefully he is willing to work on it. Ranting in general seems to reflect lack of self awareness and self control, so his lashing out really has nothing to do with you. CBT could help maybe. |
Anonymous
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My husband:
High earner (~$500k) Trust fund (~$5-10M) In good shape and tall Unique eye color Cooks and cleans without being asked Extremely patient, never yells Loves animals, especially dogs Great with our kids and does more than just the fun stuff Supports my career by eagerly taking off work for unexpected last minute things and attends kid meetings instead of me Conscientious about social issues like sexism, racism, wealth inequality Expensive hobbies that put us in touch with the rich and powerful Medium libido, 1-2x per week Bi Talks constantly about own hobbies and interests Understands nothing about finance, spends a lot, I manage everything Emotionally needy, needs constant verbal affirmation Expects that I defer to him in major life decisions Works constantly, always on screens, dips out of events to make calls No grad degree, state school undergrad Not interested in giving head Job brings public scrutiny and death threats Meddling family who have tried to break us apart |
Anonymous
For that much money, I’d give him verbal affirmation every five minutes. |
Anonymous
These three are really bad. Does he expect BJs? |