Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Can I ask what you brought to this marriage and what drew you to her besides her good looks and body?

When life is easy, relationships are easy. She was attractive, fun, confident, caring, had a full time job, we clicked. 20 years later, everything is an argument, literally everything and for no reason, if I order delivery groceries and they bring the wrong toilet paper it is an all day belittlement. Kids needs and education are priority for me, 3 kids in private school and my goal is to put 3 kids through college with zero debt. Not easy in this area, especially when the Jone's are getting help from the parents on both sides and possessions are how my wife gauges her happiness. We have a few friends that have had very serious financial success, private jets very, very nice second homes, net worth in the 100's of millions. She thinks this is normal and lets me know that I am basically a failure because we live in a 7500 sf house and fly Southwest. Its truly painful, I have had a stay-in-it-for-the-kids attitude, but that is gone. I am done. Get through the holidays and go. In two years I will have a modest home on the chesapeake bay and none of her drama, life will be lovely.

Wowza. I am sorry you are going through this. It’s sad to read about someone being so consumed by envy and with little gratitude or perspective.

It used to be very painful for me, now it's just like doing sit ups. You know the pain will stop soon so keep moving. I have been trying to figure out if I still love her and my conclusion is always muddy. I feel that I should, but I don't think I do. Just too many years of fighting over nothing. I pay 90% of the bills in our home and never bring it up. If she pays for chipotle for the kids she will bring it up for a week. I view all successful relationships as being a team dynamic. We are the exact opposite and have been. She went to Dr. today and they only wanted debit or check for the balance so she couldn't use a credit card I pay, she literally told me I had to reimburse her tomorrow because she had to pay for the Dr. apt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good:
High integrity, loyal, honest, trustworthy
Generous with time and money
Great cook
Great in bed, aims to please
Life of the party, fun to be around
Intelligent, well-informed
Loves to travel, eat out, hear live music
High earner

The not so good:
Used to be an athlete, now 40 lbs overweight, beer belly
Not emotionally available
Hard worker at work/lazy, willfully clueless at home
Can be controlling/bullying when angry or stressed

Keeper, Use sex rewards to get him to drop weight, make it fun for both of you. Most men become controlling or bullying when angry, its because men are short sighted, not an easy fix but not a deal breaker. The emotionally available part is not as easy, does he shy away or avoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH:

handsome and very fit (gets compared to Matthew Mcconaughey and Bradley Cooper by strangers- looks like their love child)
decent earner 200k
very good at sharing cleaning and chores around the house (except cooking- terrible cook)
excellent with tracking financials and home/family admin
stylish without trying hard
is reliable
is smart and interested in the world
is charismatic and well regarded by peers, employers, coworkers, and subordinates
likes to read books, watch movies and shows, with me- always something to talk about
highly confident (overly confident? doesn't always do the legwork to make sure things will turn out well- just assumes they will)
has loud angry overreactions when something small happens (kid spills milk, someone doesn't let him merge in traffic)
is impatient
can be selfish/prioritizes himself (workout time, rest time, etc) over the needs of the family. a small example, he scheduled a race for the day we moved into our new house- leaving me with 2 toddlers and a house full of boxes. it was a disaster.
is always comparing who has done what in our marriage, like a running tally. "well i changed a poop this morning, so it's your turn" even though i am in the middle of cooking dinner
doesn't take even the slightest criticism well- gets very defensive
never apologizes of his own volition
has an awful, gossipy, narcissistic and interfering mother

This is probably the root of all the negative things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The good:
High integrity, loyal, honest, trustworthy
Generous with time and money
Great cook
Great in bed, aims to please
Life of the party, fun to be around
Intelligent, well-informed
Loves to travel, eat out, hear live music
High earner

The not so good:
Used to be an athlete, now 40 lbs overweight, beer belly
Not emotionally available
Hard worker at work/lazy, willfully clueless at home
Can be controlling/bullying when angry or stressed

Keeper, Use sex rewards to get him to drop weight, make it fun for both of you. Most men become controlling or bullying when angry, its because men are short sighted, not an easy fix but not a deal breaker. The emotionally available part is not as easy, does he shy away or avoid?

I thought the same. My DH is like this. I can control him with sex and he is emotionally available after.

He's a keeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the phrase “gorgeous privates” bother anyone else???

Quite enjoyed it myself.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only wife who has a very high sex drive paired with a low sex drive, vanilla DH? DH is otherwise absolutely perfect for me (not objectively perfect, but I personally have no other complaints).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Oh man, this is definitely “leave her.”

Can I ask what you brought to this marriage and what drew you to her besides her good looks and body?

When life is easy, relationships are easy. She was attractive, fun, confident, caring, had a full time job, we clicked. 20 years later, everything is an argument, literally everything and for no reason, if I order delivery groceries and they bring the wrong toilet paper it is an all day belittlement. Kids needs and education are priority for me, 3 kids in private school and my goal is to put 3 kids through college with zero debt. Not easy in this area, especially when the Jone's are getting help from the parents on both sides and possessions are how my wife gauges her happiness. We have a few friends that have had very serious financial success, private jets very, very nice second homes, net worth in the 100's of millions. She thinks this is normal and lets me know that I am basically a failure because we live in a 7500 sf house and fly Southwest. Its truly painful, I have had a stay-in-it-for-the-kids attitude, but that is gone. I am done. Get through the holidays and go. In two years I will have a modest home on the chesapeake bay and none of her drama, life will be lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Oh man, this is definitely “leave her.”

Can I ask what you brought to this marriage and what drew you to her besides her good looks and body?

When life is easy, relationships are easy. She was attractive, fun, confident, caring, had a full time job, we clicked. 20 years later, everything is an argument, literally everything and for no reason, if I order delivery groceries and they bring the wrong toilet paper it is an all day belittlement. Kids needs and education are priority for me, 3 kids in private school and my goal is to put 3 kids through college with zero debt. Not easy in this area, especially when the Jone's are getting help from the parents on both sides and possessions are how my wife gauges her happiness. We have a few friends that have had very serious financial success, private jets very, very nice second homes, net worth in the 100's of millions. She thinks this is normal and lets me know that I am basically a failure because we live in a 7500 sf house and fly Southwest. Its truly painful, I have had a stay-in-it-for-the-kids attitude, but that is gone. I am done. Get through the holidays and go. In two years I will have a modest home on the chesapeake bay and none of her drama, life will be lovely.

Oops, I embedded.

This is definitely “leave her.”

[Anonymous]

Pros:
Kind- to everyone , never met someone that doesn’t like him
Loyal - “joke” in my friend group that my gfs wish their husbands loved them half as much as mine loved me
Amazing dad- coaches the kids sports teams , 50/50 if not more of the parenting load
Helps around the house , probably neater than me
Never fights below the belt , thoughtful and very emotionally stable
Good earner (200k)
Makes me laugh, love talking to and spending time with
He’s not hot, but was a college athlete and still in great shape and I am very attracted to him!

Cons-
The biggest con is recent. We have been together since college and his libido I feel has gone done/ have been having some issues in the bedroom with finishing too fast . He always makes sure I am taken care of , loves oral - very generous - but as my libido Seems to be increasing as I get older - I would want 3-4x a week minimum - he seems more fine with 1…maybe 2 —but feel it’s always me initiating.

Hate conflict - his parents have some unhealthy boundary issues , it’s not frequent as they live far away but the 1-2x a year we see them it’s not great

Introvert - I’m an extrovert and love to go to social gatherings (pre COVID) definitely not his thing, he has his friends and enjoys them but not about being overly social / meeting new people / large gatherings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only wife who has a very high sex drive paired with a low sex drive, vanilla DH? DH is otherwise absolutely perfect for me (not objectively perfect, but I personally have no other complaints).

This is me too! As I’ve gotten older my drive just keeps increasing and his seems to be going the other way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The good:
High integrity, loyal, honest, trustworthy
Generous with time and money
Great cook
Great in bed, aims to please
Life of the party, fun to be around
Intelligent, well-informed
Loves to travel, eat out, hear live music
High earner

The not so good:
Used to be an athlete, now 40 lbs overweight, beer belly
Not emotionally available
Hard worker at work/lazy, willfully clueless at home
Can be controlling/bullying when angry or stressed

Keeper, Use sex rewards to get him to drop weight, make it fun for both of you. Most men become controlling or bullying when angry, its because men are short sighted, not an easy fix but not a deal breaker. The emotionally available part is not as easy, does he shy away or avoid?

Yikes. “Most men” definitely don’t do that and it’s concerning that you think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The good:
High integrity, loyal, honest, trustworthy
Generous with time and money
Great cook
Great in bed, aims to please
Life of the party, fun to be around
Intelligent, well-informed
Loves to travel, eat out, hear live music
High earner

The not so good:
Used to be an athlete, now 40 lbs overweight, beer belly
Not emotionally available
Hard worker at work/lazy, willfully clueless at home
Can be controlling/bullying when angry or stressed

Keeper, Use sex rewards to get him to drop weight, make it fun for both of you. Most men become controlling or bullying when angry, its because men are short sighted, not an easy fix but not a deal breaker. The emotionally available part is not as easy, does he shy away or avoid?

Yikes. “Most men” definitely don’t do that and it’s concerning that you think so.

Yikes. Hard no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good looking and fit enough
High earner $500-$600k with a schedule that can be unpredictable and involved working some holidays and weekends but works mostly 7am-4pm weekdays
Intelligent, educated, cultured, worldly, keeps up with currents events and prefers classical music
Speaks several languages
Loves dogs
Cooks well but seldom does it and spends a lot of money on restaurants
Favorite things to spend on are restaurants, 5-star hotels and alcohol.
Skilled in bed, gorgeous privates, enjoys giving oral
Spends time engaged with DCs in activities they enjoy
Never tires of listening to himself talk and at times will not stop talking
Disrespectful, insulting to people deemed inferior which is often me
Commanding and controlling, demands behaviors and angry and insulting when not done or done “correctly”
Refuses to buy a house or save for college
Drinks up to ten drinks a day on weekends and several every evening
Won’t spend time with my family or friends, only his.

Sounds like a good affair partner, and a terrible husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only wife who has a very high sex drive paired with a low sex drive, vanilla DH? DH is otherwise absolutely perfect for me (not objectively perfect, but I personally have no other complaints).

This is me too! As I’ve gotten older my drive just keeps increasing and his seems to be going the other way

Wow, really? What did your DH do to have this happen? Share his secret!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH:

Solid but not impressive income (@100k) but with phenomenal benefits, not a ton of hours, and he's a very frugal person regarding his personal spending so I feel like it evens out
His frugalness can sometimes get imposed in annoying ways on the rest of us (mostly in just talking too much about how much things cost in a way that is annoying) but mostly we're on the same page
Amazing cook, great baker, and he does this with regularity
Does not clean at all. He thinks he does because he does laundry or loads the dishwasher sometimes, but I do 95% of the cleaning. Luckily I like cleaning.
Moderate libido, but I am low libido and he's pretty understanding about that, so it works out well.
Takes care of himself generally -- eats well, exercises, very good hygiene
BUT never goes to the doctor and has a weird phobia about the dentist which has gotten more stressful as we age
Good looking -- great hair, handsome face, dad bod but not overweight
Good dad, though as with cleaning, he leaves way too much of this to me even when I actively ask for help. But it's not like he does nothing -- he's an involved father, just does not take a lot of parenting initiative. I do think this has gotten better and will continue to get better as our kid gets older. Babies/toddlers/preschoolers are hard.
Has a temper though generally does not take it out on me or DC (when he does I call him on it and he apologizes). Bigger issue is that sometimes he checks out emotional ("whatever, I don't care"). I call him on this too but consider it a more worrying issue. Passion is promising, even when misdirected. Apathy is not.
Not a great gift giver and terrible at planning dates/vacations/etc. I do all of this and wish he'd do a little more.

Overall I feel fortunate but our marriage is definitely work and sometimes harder work than others. But he's also not a bad guy and I do love him. Plus we have a great kid together and I love our overall family dynamic. I think it's a balance of good and bad, and so am I, and in a way I think that bodes well for longevity. My dating experience before I met him is that a lot of superstar qualities (really good looking, very high earner, super ambitious, extremely loving, etc.) can come with serious downsides over time. Not a rule, but definitely a tendency. With my DH, I feel like the assets and flaws are kind of laid out for you to see. Mine is not a marriage with a lot of curveballs or low lows.

Does my DH have a second life?? I could have written all of this, word for word.