DD17 refusing therapy post-abortion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

No 17 year old needs to be having unprotected sex. I’m sorry, but after a pregnancy we would be having the condom discussion (again).

Yeah, condom talk is 100% necessary. I feel like girls in college pretty much accept this - for disease as well as pregnancy prevention. Your daughter being in a long-term relationship actually works against her in this regard.

+1. Condoms are a must. HS love may be sweet but it’s often not mature enough to understand monogamous commitment. STDs are absolutely something to worry about. Boyfriend seems careless and she has no idea to what extent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

Having an abortion does not equal “trauma” for 95% of the women who have them.

Wrong. I know that’s you’re narrative but patently incorrect

Let it rest. An abortion of a wanted pregnancy at 6mo is not the same as a medical abortion of an unwanted pregnancy at 6wk.

OP has given zero indication that this was in any way a medically-necessary abortion. Her DD was playing with fire and couldn't handle getting burned.

You don't even understand the terms. Shush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

No 17 year old needs to be having unprotected sex. I’m sorry, but after a pregnancy we would be having the condom discussion (again).

Yeah, condom talk is 100% necessary. I feel like girls in college pretty much accept this - for disease as well as pregnancy prevention. Your daughter being in a long-term relationship actually works against her in this regard.

+1. Condoms are a must. HS love may be sweet but it’s often not mature enough to understand monogamous commitment. STDs are absolutely something to worry about. Boyfriend seems careless and she has no idea to what extent

100%. Condoms always. Personally, I was on BC from 17, had sex at 20, and didn't have condomless sex until 27 with my now husband. And I had some (condom! ALWAYS!) hookups in between. I'm pretty liberal with eyes wide 7open but I am very firm that teens don't need to experience condomless sex. Condoms should be the norm for them in HS and college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

Agreed.

Abortion is not traumatic for most women of any age. If by the very rare chance that therapy is eventually needed, she'll likely figure this out on her own. I work at a university, and young women are very smart. They are so much better at advocating for themselves and finding resources than prior generations, and they're generally not shy about therapy.

She and her boyfriend probably got lazy about birth control and made a mistake. It happens. She's probably not telling you 100% of the story of why her current BC failed. She may be embarrassed about it. Whatever. What matters now is that they're both responsible about making sure it doesn't happen again.

It's unfortunate her boyfriend's parents are treating her differently. If anything, it's a lesson that others often put the onus on women to be the gatekeepers of all things related to sexual desire, pregnancy, and child-rearing. If you haven't already, maybe you can acknowledge her concerns about their feelings towards her.

I mean, I’m pro choice and very sympathetic to op’s daughter but if their agreed upon bc was the pill (not a great idea on either kids part) the onus WAS on her and she agreed to that responsibility. The boyfriend was dumb for agreeing to trust a 17 year old to be perfect w pills and if his parents were aware of this they were dumb too. Having said that, if indeed the failure was because she “forgot a pill” then of course they are a bit leary. There are prob issues with them and their son involving trying to prevail him not to resume pill only sex.

No. No. No. NO. They are being cool toward her because they can’t be cool toward their dumbass son. Condoms, always, at 17. Condoms. Condoms. How many times do I have to say this? The onus was on BOTH OF THEM.

At this age, everyone needs to BYOBC. Females? Pills, patch, ring, IUD, diaphragm, whatever. Males? Condoms. If one fails, you have a back up.

[Anonymous]

I never needed therapy for my abortion. Feels like you are putting your own emotions onto her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy to use as a tool now- and to remember and lean on those tools for years to come.
I wish I had a mother who cared enough to do this for me.
It can’t hurt her to have therapy…but can help.

Not if she doesn't actually want it, then no she doesn't and no it can't. People.need to stop pushing "therapy" on others as some of us are simply not interested. Therapy and recovery culture do not appeal to everyone and that is fine.


Tools? Never actually gotten any but they sure were always eager to take my money and by time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

No 17 year old needs to be having unprotected sex. I’m sorry, but after a pregnancy we would be having the condom discussion (again).

Yeah, condom talk is 100% necessary. I feel like girls in college pretty much accept this - for disease as well as pregnancy prevention. Your daughter being in a long-term relationship actually works against her in this regard.

+1. Condoms are a must. HS love may be sweet but it’s often not mature enough to understand monogamous commitment. STDs are absolutely something to worry about. Boyfriend seems careless and she has no idea to what extent

^

Yup. And if the boy isn't using condoms and leaving the BC entirely on her, gee it almost sounds like he is trying to "derail her future", or whatever the #boymom keeps screaming about.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I don’t think you should force her to get therapy. She can always decide to do that later on if issues surface related to the abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is 17/18 and having a lot of sex she needs to be on double birth control going forward (this is not to criticize but just to advise).
Women are especially fertile following miscarriages or abortions.
I've had many women get pregnant with perfect birth control use. If I see a women who really, really doesn't want to get pregnant I always advise her to double up (condoms plus pill or IUD).
signed,
gyn NP

This! I would worry that she might get pregnant again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she is 17/18 and having a lot of sex she needs to be on double birth control going forward (this is not to criticize but just to advise).
Women are especially fertile following miscarriages or abortions.
I've had many women get pregnant with perfect birth control use. If I see a women who really, really doesn't want to get pregnant I always advise her to double up (condoms plus pill or IUD).
signed,
gyn NP

This! I would worry that she might get pregnant again.

A medical professional posted in this thread that it was likely unless something changes. OP is not even discussing bc with DD but continuing a hands off approach re: the core issue, instead focusing on therapy. YOU need to talk with her about bc OP. Including condoms.

I have girls but from the standpoint of the boy's parents, if DD decided to have the child and raise or put up for adoption, they would have had no say/control and that would have been life altering not only for their son but for their family, so I can see why they feel rattled by the episode and want the rx to cool down. That said, totally on the condoms train here. Multiple forms of bc until you are ready to conceive or in a situation where raising a child is feasible.

[Anonymous]

Is it just me, or is OP is little over involved in her DD’s life? If my 17 yo DD got pregnant - and yes I have teenagers not toddlers - I think I’d want my knowledge and involvement to be pretty limited.

I got pregnant and had an abortion at 19 (the sponge was my contraception…) and my boyfriend and I were lucky enough to have a planned parenthood close that guided me through the choice, procedure, the lecture about condoms, and a more reliable birth control. All without my mom’s help. My relationship with her was complex enough; I don’t think having a constant dialog with her about this would be healthy.

[Anonymous]

She's going to need therapy to deal with you pushing her into therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is OP is little over involved in her DD’s life? If my 17 yo DD got pregnant - and yes I have teenagers not toddlers - I think I’d want my knowledge and involvement to be pretty limited.

I got pregnant and had an abortion at 19 (the sponge was my contraception…) and my boyfriend and I were lucky enough to have a planned parenthood close that guided me through the choice, procedure, the lecture about condoms, and a more reliable birth control. All without my mom’s help. My relationship with her was complex enough; I don’t think having a constant dialog with her about this would be healthy.

OP’s child is still a minor - you were not.

[Anonymous]

She will probably need therapy to deal with the boyfriend and his family more than the abortion. If she insists he also take responsibility for birth control I predict he will dump her soon.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t force her into therapy. At 6-weeks, the procedure would have been a minimal physical experience. She sounds sure that she didn’t want to proceed with the pregnancy. I think it is highly likely that the relationship will end soon. BF will realize he barely got out of a bad situation where he had little control, his parents now don’t like the gf because she almost “trapped” their darling son and BF is going to feel emotional exhausted from supporting the girlfriend. The daughter will likely get through the abortion experience easier than the upcoming break-up - so keep the therapist contact handy, OP. You may still yet need it.