DD17 refusing therapy post-abortion

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:perhaps some middle ground? "I hear you that you don't think you need this, but mroe than "need", I believe you "deserve" a private, confidential place to process a little bit. If after one session you choose not to continue, I respect that, but as your Mom, I am asking you to attend one session." Hugs to you all OP.

Brilliant. Yes, do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

Agree. A 6 week medically induced abortion is likely not a big deal to her. Let her move on however she wants.

[Anonymous]

Is there not a risk of having a bad therapist?

Could you guarantee a good one? You wouldn't want to make it worse by someone who could possibly shame or judge her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

No 17 year old needs to be having unprotected sex. I’m sorry, but after a pregnancy we would be having the condom discussion (again).

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about your abortion at age 22 and why you think therapy would have been good for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

Agreed.

Abortion is not traumatic for most women of any age. If by the very rare chance that therapy is eventually needed, she'll likely figure this out on her own. I work at a university, and young women are very smart. They are so much better at advocating for themselves and finding resources than prior generations, and they're generally not shy about therapy.

She and her boyfriend probably got lazy about birth control and made a mistake. It happens. She's probably not telling you 100% of the story of why her current BC failed. She may be embarrassed about it. Whatever. What matters now is that they're both responsible about making sure it doesn't happen again.

It's unfortunate her boyfriend's parents are treating her differently. If anything, it's a lesson that others often put the onus on women to be the gatekeepers of all things related to sexual desire, pregnancy, and child-rearing. If you haven't already, maybe you can acknowledge her concerns about their feelings towards her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

Agreed.

Abortion is not traumatic for most women of any age. If by the very rare chance that therapy is eventually needed, she'll likely figure this out on her own. I work at a university, and young women are very smart. They are so much better at advocating for themselves and finding resources than prior generations, and they're generally not shy about therapy.

She and her boyfriend probably got lazy about birth control and made a mistake. It happens. She's probably not telling you 100% of the story of why her current BC failed. She may be embarrassed about it. Whatever. What matters now is that they're both responsible about making sure it doesn't happen again.

It's unfortunate her boyfriend's parents are treating her differently. If anything, it's a lesson that others often put the onus on women to be the gatekeepers of all things related to sexual desire, pregnancy, and child-rearing. If you haven't already, maybe you can acknowledge her concerns about their feelings towards her.

I mean, I’m pro choice and very sympathetic to op’s daughter but if their agreed upon bc was the pill (not a great idea on either kids part) the onus WAS on her and she agreed to that responsibility. The boyfriend was dumb for agreeing to trust a 17 year old to be perfect w pills and if his parents were aware of this they were dumb too. Having said that, if indeed the failure was because she “forgot a pill” then of course they are a bit leary. There are prob issues with them and their son involving trying to prevail him not to resume pill only sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would honor her choice, OP.
But then I'm a European and come from a country where abortions aren't as controversial as here, and therapy is not consumed like candy.

What I would tell your daughter, is that while she may not feel conflicted and in need of support now, she might very well feel in need of therapy later, perhaps years from now, perhaps when she's ready to have children. And that this is normal, and she can get therapy AT ANY TIME in her life, related to this abortion.

And good job OP for raising children who trust you!

This is perfect. I had an abortion at 21 and promptly got on with the rest of my life. Many years later, after I was a mother, I would occasionally become wistful and ponder the “what ifs.” The young are forward thinking and self-absorbed in developmentally appropriate ways. I do think she learned a difficult lesson with her boyfriend’s parents- best to keep your private life private, number of lovers, abortions, etc. People judge, even good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is making this a bigger deal than it is. When I was 17, I would have gotten an abortion with zero hesitation and moved on with my life. I wouldn’t have felt guilty or traumatized, just relief that I wasn’t stuck with a baby that young. It’s way different now at 35, I would likely need some sort of therapy since it would be a much heavier decision.

I don’t get the need for all these discussions either. Maybe she missed a pill, most women do at some point. It happens. Ask if she wants to switch to Depo or an IUD, then drop it. Pushing her to talk about her sex life or relationship with her BF is going to be mortifying for her and won’t help anything.

No 17 year old needs to be having unprotected sex. I’m sorry, but after a pregnancy we would be having the condom discussion (again).

Yeah, condom talk is 100% necessary. I feel like girls in college pretty much accept this - for disease as well as pregnancy prevention. Your daughter being in a long-term relationship actually works against her in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

Having an abortion does not equal “trauma” for 95% of the women who have them.

Wrong. I know that’s you’re narrative but patently incorrect

[Anonymous]

She needs therapy to use as a tool now- and to remember and lean on those tools for years to come.
I wish I had a mother who cared enough to do this for me.
It can’t hurt her to have therapy…but can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

Having an abortion does not equal “trauma” for 95% of the women who have them.

Wrong. I know that’s you’re narrative but patently incorrect

Let it rest. An abortion of a wanted pregnancy at 6mo is not the same as a medical abortion of an unwanted pregnancy at 6wk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

Having an abortion does not equal “trauma” for 95% of the women who have them.

Wrong. I know that’s you’re narrative but patently incorrect

Let it rest. An abortion of a wanted pregnancy at 6mo is not the same as a medical abortion of an unwanted pregnancy at 6wk.

OP has given zero indication that this was in any way a medically-necessary abortion. Her DD was playing with fire and couldn't handle getting burned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP has given zero indication that this was in any way a medically-necessary abortion. Her DD was playing with fire and couldn't handle getting burned.

A very odd way to describe pregnancy.