How would you handle this comment from BF?

[Anonymous]

We have been dating for a year and a couple of months. Both around 30. Neither of us has been married or engaged. I did live with a guy for two years, he has never lived with a woman, and we have our own places.

We were having a conversation and marriage came him. So he said that yes, he has been thinking about it. Then he said that when it comes to having fun, serious talks, physical attraction, sexual chemistry, and love, all is fine. But his concern is if we can make it with the things that really test a marriage - unemployment, disciplining kids, in law issues, etc.

How do I address this? Obviously with no kids we can't test childrearing philosophies. Or is he just stalling? How does a gap get bridged with hypotheticals? He has a point in that I have seen couples who seemed to have it all get divorced, but marriage is a risk no matter how you plan.

[Anonymous]

Those aren't unreasonable concerns. You could ask him if he wants to do premarital counseling. If you were marrying in a Catholic church you'd be required to do it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to marry someone who needs me to convince them to marry me. Those hypotheticals are always going to exist, when he meets the woman he wants to marry he won't worry about them.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t want to get married — or at least not to you. I would assume that and then act accordingly. It has been a year. I’m assuming “around 30” means you are both grownups and done with school. You just have to decide if you are willing to live with someone indefinitely and perhaps miss the window on having kids. But don’t “waste the pretty” on this guy if marriage and kids are what you want.

[Anonymous]

Counseling. His concerns are very valid

[Anonymous]

Is he asking you to convince him, or just being open about his concerns? Because I don't read that as a hypothetical you have to overcome in order to win a husband. I read that as a mature adult who is taking marriage seriously opening the door for a conversation.

Talk about whatever hard times you experienced growing up and how your parents handled it; talk about what you think you would do if there was a health crisis or job loss, ask what he would do differently or what his worries are, talk to the man you want to spend your life with. Talk.

[Anonymous]

Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

[Anonymous]

Those are valid concerns but no real answers. These are the issues that can be challenging when you get married. No exceptions. Question is whether both of you are mature/willing to work thru these issues rather than throwing in towel and give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking you to convince him, or just being open about his concerns? Because I don't read that as a hypothetical you have to overcome in order to win a husband. I read that as a mature adult who is taking marriage seriously opening the door for a conversation.

Talk about whatever hard times you experienced growing up and how your parents handled it; talk about what you think you would do if there was a health crisis or job loss, ask what he would do differently or what his worries are, talk to the man you want to spend your life with. Talk.

+1

Conversations about serious stuff need to happen before marriage.

[Anonymous]

More of these conversations should happen.

Your reluctance to engage in them suggests you might not be ready, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

Actually, we don’t have enough information to know if that’s a red flag or a green flag. Is he throwing up obstacles, or asking you to participate in serious conversations about how you would address these things? If the latter, major green flag and you should take him up on it.

What would happen if you had a special-needs child? What would happen if one of your parents had strong opinions, or a health crisis, or needed to move in with you? What are your respective expectations about life after kids? Do you expect him to do half the child brewing? Does he expect you to find a babysitter and get dressed up every Friday night to keep him happy?

He is absolutely right that these are the things that test marriages. It’s just not clear from your post whether he considers them dealbreaker or he wants to explore further.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are entirely correct - - there are many things that you cannot “test” until you are married such as having children.

Have you two considered pre-marital counseling??
Go w/your gut on this >> he may be stalling.

But then again you both have been together a little over a yr plus are still relatively young too.

He may just need more time which is understandable.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

I tend to lean in this direction.

Just my own experience, but I had a BF stall with these same concerns. He dragged it out for years before finally admitting he didn’t want to get married at all. It was very messy.

Plus, 1+ years seems pretty late to start having the marriage conversation. I bring it up by 6 months (I’m 40, so I’m not wasting a year of my life on someone who isn’t sure). The last time I did this at 6 months, despite him being a great BF and loving me, he hemmed and hawed and started talking about how it would be years before we’d be ready for marriage and potentially a child together. Years? Playa, I’m 40, I’m not waiting years.

I’d start having those difficult conversations sooner rather than later. Don’t be like me and waste 5 years of your life waiting for a guy to be ready, just for him to dump you.

[Anonymous]

Blah blah blah
Nothing to handle
Start keeping your eyes out for another man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been dating for a year and a couple of months. Both around 30. Neither of us has been married or engaged. I did live with a guy for two years, he has never lived with a woman, and we have our own places.

We were having a conversation and marriage came him. So he said that yes, he has been thinking about it. Then he said that when it comes to having fun, serious talks, physical attraction, sexual chemistry, and love, all is fine. But his concern is if we can make it with the things that really test a marriage - unemployment, disciplining kids, in law issues, etc.

How do I address this? Obviously with no kids we can't test childrearing philosophies. Or is he just stalling? How does a gap get bridged with hypotheticals? He has a point in that I have seen couples who seemed to have it all get divorced, but marriage is a risk no matter how you plan.

You ask what his philosophies on each are and conduct a behavioral assessment. Add shared housework and you will know if this will really work or if you need to cut and run. 1 year is a long time at 30.