How would you handle this comment from BF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

NP. I agree with this. But I would curious on whether I displayed characteristics that made him wonder if I couldn’t handle life’s challenges. Not to convince him or to try and marry him, but I do think it’s good to know when you might be a red flag.

You seem like an empath OP, so you will be fine. You work through things and are considerate of others. You think and do. Not run away.

You’re an empath or the dcum troll. This seems like a regurgitated post flipped about.

I’m the poster you quoted. I have no idea what you mean. If OP were in fact an empath, it seems like she would have validated his concerns and asked more about them, rather than posting on DCUM. My post was trying to be a polite reminder that sometimes we cannot see our own faults.

Funny how OP’s post said a big question was posed yet failed to mentioned the conversation that immediately ensued on it.

Or are we suppose to believe that the dude asked a big question and told the woman to research the answers and report back?! Lol.

Maybe they’re both too immature to lead or have that conversation. Many people are - men b/c they are clueless and have nothing to say, and women b/c they don’t want to list out normal expectations be mislabeled high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

+1. After a year he should know from all his observations of you whether he thinks you can weather the storms of life. That’s the whole purpose of dating. None of us can really know how we will react to a sick child or a period of unemployment. There’s no conversation that can prepare you when sh hits the fan. But when a man really wants you, that doesn’t matter to him.

A man who wants to marry you wouldn’t have any of this hesitation.

This.

[Anonymous]

He’s hesitating because he knows he doesn’t have the balls or maturity to be a decent life partner.

End it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

NP. I agree with this. But I would curious on whether I displayed characteristics that made him wonder if I couldn’t handle life’s challenges. Not to convince him or to try and marry him, but I do think it’s good to know when you might be a red flag.

You seem like an empath OP, so you will be fine. You work through things and are considerate of others. You think and do. Not run away.

You’re an empath or the dcum troll. This seems like a regurgitated post flipped about.

I’m the poster you quoted. I have no idea what you mean. If OP were in fact an empath, it seems like she would have validated his concerns and asked more about them, rather than posting on DCUM. My post was trying to be a polite reminder that sometimes we cannot see our own faults.

Funny how OP’s post said a big question was posed yet failed to mentioned the conversation that immediately ensued on it.

Or are we suppose to believe that the dude asked a big question and told the woman to research the answers and report back?! Lol.

Maybe they’re both too immature to lead or have that conversation. Many people are - men b/c they are clueless and have nothing to say, and women b/c they don’t want to list out normal expectations be mislabeled high maintenance.

Or OP could have said: what do you mean by that? Surely you are exempting OP from asking the obvious follow up question because she’s a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to marry someone who needs me to convince them to marry me. Those hypotheticals are always going to exist, when he meets the woman he wants to marry he won't worry about them.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

Actually, we don’t have enough information to know if that’s a red flag or a green flag. Is he throwing up obstacles, or asking you to participate in serious conversations about how you would address these things? If the latter, major green flag and you should take him up on it.

What would happen if you had a special-needs child? What would happen if one of your parents had strong opinions, or a health crisis, or needed to move in with you? What are your respective expectations about life after kids? Do you expect him to do half the child brewing? Does he expect you to find a babysitter and get dressed up every Friday night to keep him happy?

He is absolutely right that these are the things that test marriages. It’s just not clear from your post whether he considers them dealbreaker or he wants to explore further.

These are all useless conversations. Few people can tell what they’ll really do and there are 1001 nuances to these situations.

[Anonymous]

I always knew that I wanted a happy family and would do everything in my power to make that my first priority.

OP, can you say that in all honesty? Do your career, friends, hobbies, birth family etc are a bigger priority?

Ask him the same questions?

[Anonymous]

Are you tied to a town and won't move?

Are you tied to your debt or expenses and can't contribute much to the marriage?

Are you tied to physically or financially care for your birth family?

Are you tied to your ambition and that's your first priority?

Are you willing to be a 50% or higher caregiver for any future children?

Are you tied to alcohol or something like that?

Are you willing to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

NP. I agree with this. But I would curious on whether I displayed characteristics that made him wonder if I couldn’t handle life’s challenges. Not to convince him or to try and marry him, but I do think it’s good to know when you might be a red flag.

You seem like an empath OP, so you will be fine. You work through things and are considerate of others. You think and do. Not run away.

You’re an empath or the dcum troll. This seems like a regurgitated post flipped about.

I’m the poster you quoted. I have no idea what you mean. If OP were in fact an empath, it seems like she would have validated his concerns and asked more about them, rather than posting on DCUM. My post was trying to be a polite reminder that sometimes we cannot see our own faults.

Funny how OP’s post said a big question was posed yet failed to mentioned the conversation that immediately ensued on it.

Or are we suppose to believe that the dude asked a big question and told the woman to research the answers and report back?! Lol.

Maybe they’re both too immature to lead or have that conversation. Many people are - men b/c they are clueless and have nothing to say, and women b/c they don’t want to list out normal expectations be mislabeled high maintenance.

Yeah it’s a half@$$ed Troll post.

Guess we’re supposed to believe he threw out a question and they both ran off in different directions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been dating for a year and a couple of months. Both around 30. Neither of us has been married or engaged. I did live with a guy for two years, he has never lived with a woman, and we have our own places.

We were having a conversation and marriage came him. So he said that yes, he has been thinking about it. Then he said that when it comes to having fun, serious talks, physical attraction, sexual chemistry, and love, all is fine. But his concern is if we can make it with the things that really test a marriage - unemployment, disciplining kids, in law issues, etc.

How do I address this? Obviously with no kids we can't test childrearing philosophies. Or is he just stalling? How does a gap get bridged with hypotheticals? He has a point in that I have seen couples who seemed to have it all get divorced, but marriage is a risk no matter how you plan.

You ask what his philosophies on each are and conduct a behavioral assessment. Add shared housework and you will know if this will really work or if you need to cut and run. 1 year is a long time at 30.

Agree.

wtf were his thoughts on working, raising children, saving vs spending, where to live, roles in the household, staying healthy, bad accidents / special needs kids/ disabilities, elderly parents all set, etc.

Pls don’t say he had no thoughts or opinions.

This is a good list.

Add in role of religion, holidays, community and any other life goals.

Also like the idea of each person writes it all down separately, then you talk, then you exchange initial thought letters, then you talk again.

With a third party therapist there.

The letters will be interesting as they will show how much thought (or not) the person first put forth (effort, knowledge and foresight). If one person has very little to independently add, that could be a red flag (lazy, inconsiderate, not smart, misogynist).

[Anonymous]

Or some generic ChatGPT download.