How would you handle this comment from BF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been dating for a year and a couple of months. Both around 30. Neither of us has been married or engaged. I did live with a guy for two years, he has never lived with a woman, and we have our own places.

We were having a conversation and marriage came him. So he said that yes, he has been thinking about it. Then he said that when it comes to having fun, serious talks, physical attraction, sexual chemistry, and love, all is fine. But his concern is if we can make it with the things that really test a marriage - unemployment, disciplining kids, in law issues, etc.

How do I address this? Obviously with no kids we can't test childrearing philosophies. Or is he just stalling? How does a gap get bridged with hypotheticals? He has a point in that I have seen couples who seemed to have it all get divorced, but marriage is a risk no matter how you plan.

You ask what his philosophies on each are and conduct a behavioral assessment. Add shared housework and you will know if this will really work or if you need to cut and run. 1 year is a long time at 30.

Agree.

wtf were his thoughts on working, raising children, saving vs spending, where to live, roles in the household, staying healthy, bad accidents / special needs kids/ disabilities, elderly parents all set, etc.

Pls don’t say he had no thoughts or opinions.

[Anonymous]

P.S. analyze the $hit out of his father’s and brothers’ roles raising the children, chores, academic/ EC expectations and maintaining the home and household the last 30+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

Agree

Dig in to his communication style and ability to resolve conflict


What you absolutely do not want is some mentally disordered spouse who is avoidant, deflects, lies, blames others, argues / attacks others to deflect, leaves big issues hanging, etc.

And yes get the mental health history of all family members. Any diagnoses need treatments not avoidance or maladaptive copes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

NP. I agree with this. But I would curious on whether I displayed characteristics that made him wonder if I couldn’t handle life’s challenges. Not to convince him or to try and marry him, but I do think it’s good to know when you might be a red flag.

You seem like an empath OP, so you will be fine. You work through things and are considerate of others. You think and do. Not run away.

You’re an empath or the dcum troll. This seems like a regurgitated post flipped about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser.

This is how you end up with a husband who refuses to engage in any emotional intimacy.

OP’s BF sounds like a smart guy. They’ve only been dating a year, not 5. A man who is willing to think through these realities is wise. Maybe he’s had some talks with long-married people and he’s learning from them.

Is he willing?

What are his actual thoughts on the matter? He didn’t seem to share any.

At this point I’d make him write them down in a sealed letter, then both talk about them w a professional. I would not want someone merely parroting back to me what I think and say, or just saying me and my beliefs whilst they sit back and share nothing. Then read the notes and letters immediately after talking.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I agreed on so my things. We were always democrats. During covid he went down a Trump rabbit hole. I could believe what he had become. I eventually left him. He had become a conspiracy theorist.

You never know when mental illness will strike.

[Anonymous]

That’s weird.

[Anonymous]

I think people are spending a lot of time trying to secure so much up front before marriage, before kids, that they are practically middle aged before committing to anything. And then, the marriage ceremony functions as a coronation.

You need a solid foundation, yes, before marriage, but that is just the love and respect part. The rest, using that love and respect is used to figure out the rest. Sort out the top 5 deal breakers, which you likely already have it seems, and the rest will be figured out together because supposedly you trust each other.

This. Married for decades

[Anonymous]

Seems like a good question that would naturally come up when dating seriously..

So how did he handle it and how did you handle it? Did you have a good conversation on it?

It’s certainly a discussion I would welcome. You could learn a lot about a person. I’d have a lot to say too.

I agree with a PP though - you each should write down your thoughts on a variety of adult scenarios, share them, then discuss and add on to them. This will allow you or him to see if there is a thoughtless freeloader problem, or someone who just nods along or is actually thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

Ideally you both saw approve ways how your parents or family members handled life obstacles and share your thoughts.

Is he a social person w good family and friends?

[Anonymous]

Question is that do you love him and want to spend your life with or do you see him as only good enough available and vetted option?

If you do like and love him and want to build a happy life with, it would require some adjustments and sacrifices, are you willing or rather sacrifice this relationship?

[Anonymous]

Why can't a sensible young man take time and steps to secure a sensible, caring and dedicated partner to and have a family with? If you are in a rush to beat the clock, that's not his problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's nothing more than, "I'm not ready". I wouldn't even address these straw man reasons. Know for yourself how long you think is reasonable to wait, then move on.

A friend said this to her boyfriend, "I want to marry you but if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people". And that's what she did. When he decided that, yes, he actually did want to be married and wanted to he married to her, he had to hope she would still want to consider it, and be available. She was. They had a happy marriage. She did not wait for him. I do not think it was done with drama. He doesn't talk about it like it was an ultimatum.

One approach

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

I tend to lean in this direction.

Just my own experience, but I had a BF stall with these same concerns. He dragged it out for years before finally admitting he didn’t want to get married at all. It was very messy.

Plus, 1+ years seems pretty late to start having the marriage conversation. I bring it up by 6 months (I’m 40, so I’m not wasting a year of my life on someone who isn’t sure). The last time I did this at 6 months, despite him being a great BF and loving me, he hemmed and hawed and started talking about how it would be years before we’d be ready for marriage and potentially a child together. Years? Playa, I’m 40, I’m not waiting years.

I’d start having those difficult conversations sooner rather than later. Don’t be like me and waste 5 years of your life waiting for a guy to be ready, just for him to dump you.

I would have dumped anyone who tried to have these conversations at the three month mark, let alone third date. I don't even know if I want your genitals anywhere near mine, I'm not discussing child-rearing and end of life decisions!

This. I was on 3 month plans before I even turned 30. These are not issues that you shouldn’t have answers to a year into the relationship. Some of these are 3rd date filtering questions.

I would’ve beat you to it. Or just ghosted you like I did everyone else I thought was wasting my time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

NP. I agree with this. But I would curious on whether I displayed characteristics that made him wonder if I couldn’t handle life’s challenges. Not to convince him or to try and marry him, but I do think it’s good to know when you might be a red flag.

You seem like an empath OP, so you will be fine. You work through things and are considerate of others. You think and do. Not run away.

You’re an empath or the dcum troll. This seems like a regurgitated post flipped about.

I’m the poster you quoted. I have no idea what you mean. If OP were in fact an empath, it seems like she would have validated his concerns and asked more about them, rather than posting on DCUM. My post was trying to be a polite reminder that sometimes we cannot see our own faults.