How would you handle this comment from BF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just not that into you. You deserve a guy who is dying to marry you. Run!

That only happens if both are virgins and abstinent.

[Anonymous]

or if you are out of his league in looks, money etc.

[Anonymous]

His concerns are real

But I tend to agree he doesn't want to marry or not to you because the things he is concerned about don't come with guarantees you can do premarital counseling and have a plan and then things change. And d that's life that's marriage it's not a perfect script that everything will always go perfectly it's a risk and a commitment .

[Anonymous]

I think people are spending a lot of time trying to secure so much up front before marriage, before kids, that they are practically middle aged before committing to anything. And then, the marriage ceremony functions as a coronation.

You need a solid foundation, yes, before marriage, but that is just the love and respect part. The rest, using that love and respect is used to figure out the rest. Sort out the top 5 deal breakers, which you likely already have it seems, and the rest will be figured our together because supposedly you trust each other.

[Anonymous]

I actually think those concerns are completely legitimate at 1 year into dating. Whether you're 20, 30 or 50. You really don't know someone well enough at that point to know how those things will play out. You may have a sense, but one year is not enough to know.

The issue is that some men (and women) are willing to take the plunge regardless, and not stew with anxiety over these decisions. Those type of men are (often) do-ers, take initiative in other aspects, and can make good husbands. So in practice, a lot of the 'good husbands' are the ones that are willing to jump in early. However, a lot of nut jobs also jump in early. And because, as noted above, you have very little idea at 1 year whether this person is a lunatic, then if you want to get married at 1 year, it's basically a coin toss of whether it works out.

But you have eliminated the waverers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ll never be able to discuss everything that possibly could come up during a lifetime. It’s really about whether you want to weather life’s storms with the other person, whether you’re both emotionally mature & can listen to and support each other, and whether your conflict management styles align. My guess is that he’s either carrying baggage that makes him worried that he can’t handle things on his end or that he’s seeing things in you that concern him. Either way, you need to have a really open and honest conversation with him.

+100000
Best answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are spending a lot of time trying to secure so much up front before marriage, before kids, that they are practically middle aged before committing to anything. And then, the marriage ceremony functions as a coronation.

You need a solid foundation, yes, before marriage, but that is just the love and respect part. The rest, using that love and respect is used to figure out the rest. Sort out the top 5 deal breakers, which you likely already have it seems, and the rest will be figured our together because supposedly you trust each other.

+100000
Another great answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

Honestly it’s this. Something happened in his life to make him anchor in the possibility of bad times. And there is something about you that makes him think you will not pull your weight during them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like he’s seeing some yellow/red flags in you. I think you owe it to yourselves to have an open and serious discussion about it - and don’t be surprised if you go your separate ways.

[Anonymous]

Handle it like a grown up. Say "ok, let's talk about it. What are your thoughts on disciplining children?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blah blah blah
Nothing to handle
Start keeping your eyes out for another man

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to marry someone who needs me to convince them to marry me. Those hypotheticals are always going to exist, when he meets the woman he wants to marry he won't worry about them.

True.

While it’s dandy that he threw out some nice hypothetical diligence questions like that. Many women, in particular, want to know those answers- how a man behaves in the tough times.

What’s NOT dandy is how he seems to have no clue or process how to approach his question.

In fact, he chose to DUMP IT on you. You tell me. You answer this. You find out how to answer this.

He offered OP no brainstorming, no ideas, no couples therapist, no life questions on how’d you handle adversity (like most interviews do), no digging in to the ach of your parents’ roles & responsibilities over the decades.

I’d be worried he’s one of those Big Idea loser guys who then turn around and cant come up with steps to accomplish anything. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t want to get married — or at least not to you. I would assume that and then act accordingly. It has been a year. I’m assuming “around 30” means you are both grownups and done with school. You just have to decide if you are willing to live with someone indefinitely and perhaps miss the window on having kids. But don’t “waste the pretty” on this guy if marriage and kids are what you want.

Agree


I can’t tell if he’s throwing out hoops for you to jump through or what.

If he had these concerns about relationship then he’d also have ways to work through them and get to a resolution. The leap of faith- marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More of these conversations should happen.

Your reluctance to engage in them suggests you might not be ready, OP.

To be frank it looks like his reluctance to have them.

I would do non denominational couples therapy with someone who asks and walks through these tough questions.

See how each of you think about and answer them independently and together. Or one person has a propensity to just regurgitate “the right answer,” and I’d dig in more and they had no details, no thoughts, I’d be concerned.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a troll post.

Most males don’t worry about jack $hit.