How would you handle this comment from BF?

[Anonymous]

They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

I tend to lean in this direction.

Just my own experience, but I had a BF stall with these same concerns. He dragged it out for years before finally admitting he didn’t want to get married at all. It was very messy.

Plus, 1+ years seems pretty late to start having the marriage conversation. I bring it up by 6 months (I’m 40, so I’m not wasting a year of my life on someone who isn’t sure). The last time I did this at 6 months, despite him being a great BF and loving me, he hemmed and hawed and started talking about how it would be years before we’d be ready for marriage and potentially a child together. Years? Playa, I’m 40, I’m not waiting years.

I’d start having those difficult conversations sooner rather than later. Don’t be like me and waste 5 years of your life waiting for a guy to be ready, just for him to dump you.

This. I was on 3 month plans before I even turned 30. These are not issues that you shouldn’t have answers to a year into the relationship. Some of these are 3rd date filtering questions.

[Anonymous]

Green flag

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More of these conversations should happen.

Your reluctance to engage in them suggests you might not be ready, OP.

+1.

And this is why it can take time in relationships before it is appropriate to consider marriage. Testing the relationship requires having the right circumstances come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

+1. After a year he should know from all his observations of you whether he thinks you can weather the storms of life. That’s the whole purpose of dating. None of us can really know how we will react to a sick child or a period of unemployment. There’s no conversation that can prepare you when sh hits the fan. But when a man really wants you, that doesn’t matter to him.

A man who wants to marry you wouldn’t have any of this hesitation.

[Anonymous]

She shouldn't have hesitation to clear up his hesitations if she is committed to him.

[Anonymous]

You’ll never be able to discuss everything that possibly could come up during a lifetime. It’s really about whether you want to weather life’s storms with the other person, whether you’re both emotionally mature & can listen to and support each other, and whether your conflict management styles align. My guess is that he’s either carrying baggage that makes him worried that he can’t handle things on his end or that he’s seeing things in you that concern him. Either way, you need to have a really open and honest conversation with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t want to get married — or at least not to you. I would assume that and then act accordingly. It has been a year. I’m assuming “around 30” means you are both grownups and done with school. You just have to decide if you are willing to live with someone indefinitely and perhaps miss the window on having kids. But don’t “waste the pretty” on this guy if marriage and kids are what you want.

+1

Men make all sorts of excuses not to marry one woman and then turn around and marry the next one. A year is plenty of time to know by 30.

OP needs to decide whether this guy is worth the risk because at 30, the good alternatives start getting snapped up quickly. Either path could go wrong (or right).

[Anonymous]

He's just not that into you. You deserve a guy who is dying to marry you. Run!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are all the same thing - how does each of you handle disappointment, conflict, anger, etc. the exact nature of the the thing causing the feeling doesn’t matter.

NP. I agree with this. But I would curious on whether I displayed characteristics that made him wonder if I couldn’t handle life’s challenges. Not to convince him or to try and marry him, but I do think it’s good to know when you might be a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

I tend to lean in this direction.

Just my own experience, but I had a BF stall with these same concerns. He dragged it out for years before finally admitting he didn’t want to get married at all. It was very messy.

Plus, 1+ years seems pretty late to start having the marriage conversation. I bring it up by 6 months (I’m 40, so I’m not wasting a year of my life on someone who isn’t sure). The last time I did this at 6 months, despite him being a great BF and loving me, he hemmed and hawed and started talking about how it would be years before we’d be ready for marriage and potentially a child together. Years? Playa, I’m 40, I’m not waiting years.

I’d start having those difficult conversations sooner rather than later. Don’t be like me and waste 5 years of your life waiting for a guy to be ready, just for him to dump you.

OP and her BF are 10 years younger than you. They don't need to move on your schedule. One year is a perfectly reasonable time for people these ages to start this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red Flag 🚩
He doesn't want to marry you.

I tend to lean in this direction.

Just my own experience, but I had a BF stall with these same concerns. He dragged it out for years before finally admitting he didn’t want to get married at all. It was very messy.

Plus, 1+ years seems pretty late to start having the marriage conversation. I bring it up by 6 months (I’m 40, so I’m not wasting a year of my life on someone who isn’t sure). The last time I did this at 6 months, despite him being a great BF and loving me, he hemmed and hawed and started talking about how it would be years before we’d be ready for marriage and potentially a child together. Years? Playa, I’m 40, I’m not waiting years.

I’d start having those difficult conversations sooner rather than later. Don’t be like me and waste 5 years of your life waiting for a guy to be ready, just for him to dump you.

I would have dumped anyone who tried to have these conversations at the three month mark, let alone third date. I don't even know if I want your genitals anywhere near mine, I'm not discussing child-rearing and end of life decisions!

This. I was on 3 month plans before I even turned 30. These are not issues that you shouldn’t have answers to a year into the relationship. Some of these are 3rd date filtering questions.

[Anonymous]

They are absolutely reasonable concerns. If he was bringing this up after 4 years of dating I’d think maybe he was stalling, but having been married 15 years, he’s right. I think as long as both of you are willing to continually learn about yourselves, your patterns, and keep curious about each other while retaining a solid team-like approach, you can make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser.

This is how you end up with a husband who refuses to engage in any emotional intimacy.

OP’s BF sounds like a smart guy. They’ve only been dating a year, not 5. A man who is willing to think through these realities is wise. Maybe he’s had some talks with long-married people and he’s learning from them.