Just learned my MIL turned away a friend who came to see me in the hospital

[Anonymous]

Over the weekend I had my first baby, and something just came to light that’s really bothering me.

Last night my sister told me that while I was in the hospital, my MIL apparently turned away a friend of mine who came by to drop off a care package. My sister said MIL was in the hallway near the waiting area and basically told my friend something along the lines of “go, she doesn’t want visitors.” My friend was surprised and left. My sister caught up with her and said she was crying.

For context, I did receive the care package. At the time my sister just told me that this friend had dropped it off, but didn’t mention anything about what had happened in the hallway.

My sister told MIL at the time that it wasn’t cool, but didn’t want to escalate things at the hospital. My friend hasn’t mentioned it to me at all, likely also trying not to create drama.

I’m really upset about it. I was expecting this friend and would absolutely have seen her, even briefly. I also feel a bit foolish because I’ve been very friendly and inclusive with my MIL all week, not knowing this happened.

My husband was immediately ready to call his mom and tell her how inappropriate it was, but I asked him to hold off until I had a minute to think. Right now I feel so disrespected that I don’t even want to see her. At the same time, I know this is an exciting time for her too and I don’t want to overreact.

How would you handle this? Address it directly now? Let it go but set boundaries going forward? I’m also aware I’m freshly postpartum and probably not in the most objective headspace.

[Anonymous]

Your friend didn't text you to say she was there or on her way? That's kind of strange. New moms have their phones right by them, so don't try to tell me that wasn't the case.

[Anonymous]

Call your friend and get what actually happened, and then unleash your husband on his mom.

[Anonymous]

Did your MIL know you were open to or expecting visitors? Many people aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call your friend and get what actually happened, and then unleash your husband on his mom.

+1

First, congratulations on the birth of your baby!

I agree that you should talk to your friend and see exactly what happened.

I would also take a minute to assess the time that she visited, were you sleeping? Were you with a doctor? Any possible logical reason why your mother-in-law would say it wasn’t the right time to visit? Want to make sense of everything then you can take your next steps.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I'm a little on the fence here. MIL should have checked with you. But she also might have thought you were sleeping and/or needed to sleep, and was trying to be helpful.

I also find it a little hard to believe your friend left crying. Any woman would understand that a new mom might not want visitors. And you'd think she would have texted to make sure it was a good time.

I would just talk to your friend and make sure she knows that you absolutely would have seen her, and say you're not sure what your MIL was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call your friend and get what actually happened, and then unleash your husband on his mom.

Typical MIL hater. "Unleash your husband on his mom."? Seriously, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call your friend and get what actually happened, and then unleash your husband on his mom.

+1

First, congratulations on the birth of your baby!

I agree that you should talk to your friend and see exactly what happened.

I would also take a minute to assess the time that she visited, were you sleeping? Were you with a doctor? Any possible logical reason why your mother-in-law would say it wasn’t the right time to visit? Want to make sense of everything then you can take your next steps.

I have spoken to my friend and her story aligns with what my sister said. At the time, a group was sort of gathered in the waiting room area, making dinner plans. (My friend had already told me she would be coming that day after work, so I was expecting her.) My mother and father were in the room as well, but didn’t see the interaction because it happened in the hallway. My sister just happened to be walking there from my room when everything happened and then caught up to my friend who was upset and said she thought it best if she leave, and gave the package to her and told her to tell me we would catch up later. I wasn’t in the middle of anything at all, everyone had just stepped away to make the dinner plans.

[Anonymous]

Unless there is a long history with your MIL, I would start by assuming good intent. Some people really don't want visitors at the hospital (see approximately 5 gazillion threads on DCUM), so she might have thought she was doing you a favor. If she was harsh enough to make your friend cry, that's not okay, though and should be addressed regardless.

I would call your friend and let her know what happened, though don't fully throw your MIL under the bus. I would also ask your DH to find out why she did it, without accusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I'm a little on the fence here. MIL should have checked with you. But she also might have thought you were sleeping and/or needed to sleep, and was trying to be helpful.

I also find it a little hard to believe your friend left crying. Any woman would understand that a new mom might not want visitors. And you'd think she would have texted to make sure it was a good time.

I would just talk to your friend and make sure she knows that you absolutely would have seen her, and say you're not sure what your MIL was thinking.

Even still, isn’t there a more tactful and polite, inclusive way other than “Go!” ?

[Anonymous]

Agree with finding out what happened from the friend, and let her know that you weren't aware because of MIL, you're sorry if her feelings were hurt, etc. (Though I don't know why a visitor would be crying that they couldn't visit, especially if the visit hadn't been planned in advance.)

I'm not sure I'd pick a fight with MIL about this (even via DH) because it's a relatively small thing. But I'd certainly consider it in my future interactions with MIL and anticipate this type of behavior accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I really don't get the friend crying.

[Anonymous]

MIL should know her place. She was also a visitor.

[Anonymous]

Old people aren’t normal, cognitive decline and weirdness starts as early as 50, I am noticing it too (in me and others), she can’t be judged like a normal person and has to be kept away from important decisions. Tell your friends to disregard her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the weekend I had my first baby, and something just came to light that’s really bothering me.

Last night my sister told me that while I was in the hospital, my MIL apparently turned away a friend of mine who came by to drop off a care package. My sister said MIL was in the hallway near the waiting area and basically told my friend something along the lines of “go, she doesn’t want visitors.” My friend was surprised and left. My sister caught up with her and said she was crying.

...

How would you handle this? Address it directly now? Let it go but set boundaries going forward? I’m also aware I’m freshly postpartum and probably not in the most objective headspace.

Congratulations on your new baby and you are being objective! MIL needs to be told by DH that she is not in control of you and the baby at any location. Has to be addressed now especially if the creature expects to be helping in your house.