Just learned my MIL turned away a friend who came to see me in the hospital

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the weekend I had my first baby, and something just came to light that’s really bothering me.

Last night my sister told me that while I was in the hospital, my MIL apparently turned away a friend of mine who came by to drop off a care package. My sister said MIL was in the hallway near the waiting area and basically told my friend something along the lines of “go, she doesn’t want visitors.” My friend was surprised and left. My sister caught up with her and said she was crying.

For context, I did receive the care package. At the time my sister just told me that this friend had dropped it off, but didn’t mention anything about what had happened in the hallway.

My sister told MIL at the time that it wasn’t cool, but didn’t want to escalate things at the hospital. My friend hasn’t mentioned it to me at all, likely also trying not to create drama.

I’m really upset about it. I was expecting this friend and would absolutely have seen her, even briefly. I also feel a bit foolish because I’ve been very friendly and inclusive with my MIL all week, not knowing this happened.

My husband was immediately ready to call his mom and tell her how inappropriate it was, but I asked him to hold off until I had a minute to think. Right now I feel so disrespected that I don’t even want to see her. At the same time, I know this is an exciting time for her too and I don’t want to overreact.

How would you handle this? Address it directly now? Let it go but set boundaries going forward? I’m also aware I’m freshly postpartum and probably not in the most objective headspace.

Holy hormones, OP! If it makes you feel any better, your friend, sister, and MIL have no excuse for acting like this, only you.

You MIL is a jerk and I'd call her out on it. Tell her you didn't appreciate and ask her not to do it again. Then proceed with caution.

Your friend is a wimp (she was CRYING in the hospital halls after your MIL said she couldn't visit but she didn't say anything to you about it?). GMAFB. You don't need to make it worse with her but I hope all your friends aren't that dramatic.

Your sister should have stood up for you better or should have said something to you. I get not trying to make waves, but this is not a huge deal (although all of you seem to be making it one).

Enjoy your baby, hold your ground with your MIL, your friend will be fine, your sister, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call your friend and get what actually happened, and then unleash your husband on his mom.

+1

First, congratulations on the birth of your baby!

I agree that you should talk to your friend and see exactly what happened.

I would also take a minute to assess the time that she visited, were you sleeping? Were you with a doctor? Any possible logical reason why your mother-in-law would say it wasn’t the right time to visit? Want to make sense of everything then you can take your next steps.

I have spoken to my friend and her story aligns with what my sister said. At the time, a group was sort of gathered in the waiting room area, making dinner plans. (My friend had already told me she would be coming that day after work, so I was expecting her.) My mother and father were in the room as well, but didn’t see the interaction because it happened in the hallway. My sister just happened to be walking there from my room when everything happened and then caught up to my friend who was upset and said she thought it best if she leave, and gave the package to her and told her to tell me we would catch up later. I wasn’t in the middle of anything at all, everyone had just stepped away to make the dinner plans.

Jeez, how long were you and the baby in the hospital?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you friend and MIL know each other?

Yes, they do. This isn’t one of my best friends, but it’s a newer work friend. She absolutely knows her, she was at my baby shower.

And this person, who is a new friend, from work, was in tears about not being able to see you in the hospital? Did you almost die? How old are all of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you friend and MIL know each other?

Yes, they do. This isn’t one of my best friends, but it’s a newer work friend. She absolutely knows her, she was at my baby shower.

Your newer work friend visited you in the hospital?

Who cares who the friend is? It wasn't MIL's place to turn anyone away.

Boundaries people. "Newer" friends aren't hospital visiting level unless they have alternative motivations.

None of these women seem to have any boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the friend crying.

This, which makes me think OP is a troll.

Why would your friend start crying because your MIL told her you didn't want any visitors? What?

I am not a troll. I want to ignore you because you’re being annoying, burn I’ll answer this last question.

I believe she was shocked because we had earlier discussed her stopping by with a care package, something I’ve been craving and she promised to bring me once the baby got here. I was expecting her. I think she was made to believe by my MIL’s brash comment that she wasn’t welcome. I think she was confused and hurt, maybe embarrassed, maybe a little sensitive. I don’t think it matters why she was crying. I think it matters why my MIL, who knew u was accepting visitors because she was actively planning carry out dinner plans with said visitors, thought she had a right to turn away my friend, without even consulting me or DH.

I get that you just had a baby, but if you come on a public forum people are going to, you know, comment on what you wrote. Like it or not, ignore it or don't, but I also happen to think it's weird that your work friend who you haven't known very long was crying. That's fine if you don't, but others are going to disagree, and that's what you're going to get if you post on here.

Also, if you're so adamant that what your MIL did is wrong, what are you asking about? I think she was wrong, by the way, but when you post on here and ask for advice on how to handle it when you already have an opinion, don't get mad at people whose opinions differ from your own. If you wanted an echo chamber then you should go elsewhere. Enjoy your baby. I can't recommend strongly enough that you stay off DCUM for a while. This is not a good place for someone in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why do you need so many people at the hospital with you?

To bring their germs and viruses with them. Funny that people who don't think family should visit for weeks after a baby comes home now think it's the more the merrier in flu season at the hospital with a baby just hours old.

+1000

I'm sure OP checked to make sure they've all had their flu shots and TDAP updates, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you friend and MIL know each other?

Yes, they do. This isn’t one of my best friends, but it’s a newer work friend. She absolutely knows her, she was at my baby shower.

Your newer work friend visited you in the hospital?

Who cares who the friend is? It wasn't MIL's place to turn anyone away.

Boundaries people. "Newer" friends aren't hospital visiting level unless they have alternative motivations.

Years ago I visited a co-worker and her new baby in the hospital. She was happy to see me and we had a nice visit. I certainly had no alternative motivations.

I love when my coworkers come to visit me when I'm wear a mesh diaper with an ice pack in it.

And vomiting while the epidural wears off. Great times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I had a covid baby because I would not want ANYONE at the hospital. Maaaaaybe my mom.

I was so numb from the epidural, every time I stood up to try to use the restroom I peed all over the floor for the first several hours. I had a serious tear and was extremely uncomfortable. It was miserable. I was in labor all night long and couldn't get any sleep with the constant interruptions. Nothing about it was pleasant or relaxing and I couldn't wait to get home. Luckily had no visitors.

I didn’t experience anything like that after my C-section. I was ready for visitors pretty quickly and definitely wasn’t in much pain. I came home with no pain meds. We’re all different so don’t assume everyone’s post partum experience is the same.

Um, she didn't. She recounted HER story. Just like you did. Why do you think yours is more valid? Because you're so awesome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the friend crying.

That seems so....unnecessarily dramatic? I get being disappointed by not seeing your friend and meeting her new baby but running out of the hospital in tears - good lord.

I'm joining the other fence sitters who need more information before we string up the MIL.

Yep I would be pissed at that friend coming to see me but causing so many problems. Now it's all about her and her feelings. If you can't behave like an adult, I see no future friendship.

If someone said to you “go she doesn’t want you here” would you not be upset? If her MIL was like “hey hon thanks for stopping by but she’s sleeping right now- how about I take the care package and let her know you came. Thank you for stopping by!” I doubt she’d be crying.

Mad? Yes? In tears? Um, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the friend crying.

This, which makes me think OP is a troll.

Why would your friend start crying because your MIL told her you didn't want any visitors? What?

Maybe she’s never seen a newborn baby and was eager to hold one. Maybe she lost a baby before and was excited to be in the hospital and happy for her friend. Having a baby is a joyous time for friends and families. She’s allowed to be emotional especially at being turned back.

Don't forget co-workers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole story is bizarre to me. Friend crying because she was told you didn’t want visitors? And your sister ran up to crying friend and didn’t think to say “oh, no, please come visit larla, not sure why her MIL told you that.” Ok, but let’s go with your story. If it were me and I found out I’d immediately call MIL and address the situation. My next call would be to friend. I don’t get how there is any question about how to handle this.

OP said that the sister tried to do that but that the friend said she just wanted to go home because she was embarrassed.

Again, why is everyone hanging out outside the room to deal with this friend? Seems pretty obvious they were outside for a reason and giving the unstable friend a heads up.

What is so hard about following along? Op came back and clearly said everyone had stepped out into the waiting area to figure out dinner takeout order plans. The colleague was set to arrive after work, which is around dinner time for a group who has gathered at the hospital for a family member. Nothing about this story isn’t reasonable.

It's unreasonable that a whole slew of people are making dinner takeout plans so that they can...hang out in the waiting room of the hospital after hours when the baby has been born and presumably no one is in dire straights?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the friend crying.

This, which makes me think OP is a troll.

Why would your friend start crying because your MIL told her you didn't want any visitors? What?

Maybe she’s never seen a newborn baby and was eager to hold one. Maybe she lost a baby before and was excited to be in the hospital and happy for her friend. Having a baby is a joyous time for friends and families. She’s allowed to be emotional especially at being turned back.

Don't forget co-workers!

WTF is that previous poster on about? Having a baby is exciting for someone who had a loss and they are thrilled to be in the hospital? That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever read here. When I lost a baby I couldn’t look at pregnant women and wouldn’t have been excited to hold a baby when I couldn’t hold mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the friend crying.

This, which makes me think OP is a troll.

Why would your friend start crying because your MIL told her you didn't want any visitors? What?

Maybe she’s never seen a newborn baby and was eager to hold one. Maybe she lost a baby before and was excited to be in the hospital and happy for her friend. Having a baby is a joyous time for friends and families. She’s allowed to be emotional especially at being turned back.

Don't forget co-workers!

Newer coworkers to be precise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the friend crying.

This, which makes me think OP is a troll.

Why would your friend start crying because your MIL told her you didn't want any visitors? What?

I am not a troll. I want to ignore you because you’re being annoying, burn I’ll answer this last question.

I believe she was shocked because we had earlier discussed her stopping by with a care package, something I’ve been craving and she promised to bring me once the baby got here. I was expecting her. I think she was made to believe by my MIL’s brash comment that she wasn’t welcome. I think she was confused and hurt, maybe embarrassed, maybe a little sensitive. I don’t think it matters why she was crying. I think it matters why my MIL, who knew u was accepting visitors because she was actively planning carry out dinner plans with said visitors, thought she had a right to turn away my friend, without even consulting me or DH.

Definitely a troll. Or your friend is severely unbalanced as a grown woman to cry about something like this and you write like a 7th grader. Burn whatever.

+1. OP must think everyone gathers around in hospital rooms smoking cigars and drinking champagne like in old movies. For having a newborn to take care of OP has an awful lot of time to keep updating here and getting worked up about her MIL.

This made me laugh, because when we had our first baby 26 years ago, my then 21 year old BIL and his college roommate drove down from Philly at midnight when they heard I was in labor and arrived with cigars to celebrate the birth and hang out. This was entirely based on their understanding from movies. I still laugh at the family pictures with this random roommate dude who was thoughtful enough to insist they bring breakfast food at 3:00 am in addition to the cigars.

My best friend arrived just after I gave birth to my second child with a dozen cupcakes an hour past visiting hours at a much stricter hospital than the first. She bribed the nurses with 4 cupcakes to spend an hour with me and the baby.

I would have been livid if any volunteer gatekeeper interfered with either of these awesome situations.

Well since babies room in now and new moms have to take care of them as they recover it’s not as chill as it used to be when the baby was cared for in a nursery.

They also did 26 years ago.

+1 My kids are 26 and 20 and both stayed in the room with me and were never in the nursery. I had visitors every day.

How many days were you even in the hospital? For one I spent 2 nights. One I labored all night, spent the next night and went home in the morning the following day. I was barely there 1 whole day. Hospitals kick you out fast. If you're well enough to visit friends for days you can go home.

That's a normal stay. It just seems shorter because the baby was born at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole story is bizarre to me. Friend crying because she was told you didn’t want visitors? And your sister ran up to crying friend and didn’t think to say “oh, no, please come visit larla, not sure why her MIL told you that.” Ok, but let’s go with your story. If it were me and I found out I’d immediately call MIL and address the situation. My next call would be to friend. I don’t get how there is any question about how to handle this.

OP said that the sister tried to do that but that the friend said she just wanted to go home because she was embarrassed.

The "friend" is a drama queen. Not friend material. Your MIL did you a favor.