dropping hints about helping financially
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Anonymous
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My dad, who controlled the family finances, used to frequently tell us we would inherit a lot of money. He was generous during his life. After he passed, my mom found out that he had left her more than she expected. She also has a substantial pension and long-term care insurance. She's healthy at 84, but if she ever needs 24/7 care she can afford it for life.
I'm happy that for the first time in her life she get to do whatever she wants with her money on her own, although she doesn't travel much or have expensive tastes. I think having her own pile of money is a novel concept and it makes her giddy. She deserves everything, and I want to make clear that I never asked her or my dad for money. The problem is that she frequently drops hints about helping me and my kids, but then doesn't follow through, unlike my dad. For instance, my kid went to an expensive grad program. My mom asked what it cost and told me, "Don't worry--I'm able to help you pay for it." I expressed gratitude, but she didn't give me any money. Finally, in my kid's third year in the program, I asked if she was actually going to help and only then did she take out her checkbook. She does this with my kids as well. She knows they work hard but struggle a bit in NYC to cover rent and all expenses. She tells them she can help. In fact, she's constantly telling everyone how she has a lot of money and needs to gift it because it's more than she can spend. But then it falls to me to actually pick up the phone and ask her to send my kids a bit of cash. I don't like asking and neither do they, as it makes us feel like vultures. We all use the same financial planner, and he definitely has urged her to gift now. I just wish she would do it without dangling it and then making us ask for it repeatedly. Should we just stop and inherit what we inherit at some point? She's a very loving mother and grandmother and I don't think is intentionally playing games, but I'm uncomfortable with the dynamic. |
Anonymous
| My mother is this way too. I've learned to take any offer with a grain of salt. I will inherit when she passes. |
Anonymous
| Have you talked to her about being uncomfortable with the dynamic? It probably isn't going to change. It sounds like she wants to do it, is able to do it, and her telling you she wants to help IS the invitation for you to ask for the check. Maybe she just doesn't want to do the admin stuff. I'd seriously ask if you can be put on her accounts and when she says that stuff, you text her "ok, I'm taking out tuition in the amount of 50k tomorrow" and just do it. |
Anonymous
Pp and of course, this assumes that in the extremely unlikely event she runs out of money, you will take care of her financially and otherwise and not leave her penniless. |
Anonymous
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OP: I'm on her checking account, where she keeps a decent amount of cash. I can't imagine just telling her I'm taking out X amount; she would need to talk to our advisor and have him move things in and out of accounts for tax purposes.
Would it be inappropriate for me to ask our advisor to address this with her? |
Anonymous
No you need to just be direct with your mom. Your advisor can't ask for money from you. It sounds like your mom likes a bit of strings attached? If that's the case, then go cautiously. If, like another PP said, she doesn't like the admin, then you should just say "You offered x- would you like to pay all at once or have me set up x a month? Larla will be very grateful to you and will send you a Thank You note" - then she clearly understands what she is doing, that there is an end, and appreciation? |
Anonymous
You know your mom best. When you said this: "I expressed gratitude, but she didn't give me any money. Finally, in my kid's third year in the program, I asked if she was actually going to help and only then did she take out her checkbook. " Was she acting put out when she finally took out her checkbook? I'm the PP who said maybe she just doesn't like the admin, and I read that as "the mom is probably wondering why OP took so long to finally accept her offer." But admittedly I'm assuming she was gracious when you asked for the check. Was she? My mom is the type who is generous but gets stressed about financial tasks, so I'd feel totally comfortable telling her "ok, I'm pulling out the money" and following up with the financial advisor for her because she hates that stuff. Certainly if you're taking the money, you should make sure it's not a burden on you. I would revisit with her and have a discussion now around tax time. Explain that you feel stressed when she offers because you feel like you still need to ask for the actual money, and does she want you to take the initiative each time, or would she like to gift you and your kids each year at this time so you can track to make sure she doesn't exceed gift tax reporting threshholds. And if she seems unhappy or distressed with direct conversation, *then* I think you can assume she's being a bit passive aggressive and go to "Should we just stop and inherit what we inherit at some point?" |
Anonymous
*on her |
Anonymous
| Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money. |
Anonymous
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What about taking action as soon as she makes these offers?
"I can help with XYZ" Thank you, can you call financial advisor this week about transferring the funds so you can send a check to Larlo? |
Anonymous
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Could it be that she wants you to ask/beg?
For instance, my in-laws will only help when we request it. I was raised to never ask for help, so we never ask my in-laws for anything. Which my in-laws are disappointed with. In-laws are even jealous of the extra time my parents get. Dh refuses to ask them. My parents step in immediately and always offer, which we always accept. |
Anonymous
| Stop asking. You are being a vulture. Adults don't ask for help because they live above their means. |
Anonymous
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Everyone has some sort of labor in life they don’t like. Yours is to ask your mother for money. As she is getting infirm there will be real vultures around her, so it’s best if you stop with self pity and keep asking.
Trust me I know what I’m talking about, I have a selfish ex and a child whose future I need to think about. It’s even worse and the amounts are smaller too. |
Anonymous
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She's used to other people directing her, OP. You need to act your like father, and *tell* her: "Mom, you said you were going to give us money. Now is the time for tax reasons. Here's a schedule I worked out with my financial advisor. Tell me whether this is OK for you. We're going to lose so much on taxes if we wait until you pass."
She seems like a nice person, so I don't think she's intentionally messing with you. But it sounds like she has no sense of time, has never planned her finances (since your father controlled everything), and very little understanding of tax implications. If she trusts you, she will listen to you. I think you also need to make her feel safe, because perhaps, now she's in control of her own money, she might want assurances that she has enough left over for herself. |
Anonymous
| My mother is similar. To her credit she set up a 529 account for the kids and put about $30k in for each. She reminds them frequently that she "paid for" college (it was actually enough for 1 semester of tuition, excluding room and board-certainly appreciated but not the same as paying for 4 years). I think sometimes they are just out of touch with how much things actually cost and how much is required. So it might be helpful to be specific about what the cost of the program, or whatever it is she is offering to help with, is and ask specifically how much help she wants to give and when. Have the conversation when the offer is made. |