dropping hints about helping financially

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way too. I've learned to take any offer with a grain of salt. I will inherit when she passes.

Exact same here. I don’t follow up unless it is something I am only doing because she said she was financially supporting it. For example, taking us 2 week european trip this summer for me and my kids. This is not in my budget. She wants to do it. She will have to pay for this to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like that but she nor my dad have given us any money in at least 20 years. My kids know to just say thank you and know they get nothing.

If your kids need help, why can't you help them? Or, they can work a part-time extra job if they want to live in an expensive area.

OP: We have helped, and the kids do work extra. But we need to be frugal because we're looking at a likely early medical retirement and long-term care needs for one of us.

[Anonymous]

Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I rec'd $ from my parents every year for about 30 years. Also inherited when they both passed.

I like the idea of the 2 of you meeting with the financial advisor to talk about the tax benefits of gifting an annual amount. This will literally save your Mom's $ from going to the IRS. It just makes sense. B4 you schedule the meeting with the financial advisor I would talk to your mom and see if this is a meeting she would like to have.

I think that if the meeting goes well and and the annual gifting is set up, maybe when your mom mentions helping with something financially you could say -- great idea Mom, we could use some of the annual gift $.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say something the next time she brings it up. "Mom, can you stop saying you'll help us out? If you don't want to send any money that's fine, but stop telling us you will."

Of course we shouldn't count on others' money, but if she constantly brings it up she's basically lying to your face. And no one wants to hear that all the time.

I don't think OP needs to be hard on her as she's 84. She may just need OP to be more direct whenever she needs money. Just politely but directly ask her to pay for graduate school, or whatever else OP needs money for. If it's a large estate, she'll probably be happy to do it, but she is old, and she needs OP to take the lead. At least this is how things go with my mom - she wants to help, but she's not an initiator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

OP: We are trying to do this, but it's been drummed into our heads for so long that you can never count on an inheritance that we basically aren't. Even though I can't imagine what my mom could possibly spend $6+ million on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way too. I've learned to take any offer with a grain of salt. I will inherit when she passes.

Exact same here. I don’t follow up unless it is something I am only doing because she said she was financially supporting it. For example, taking us 2 week european trip this summer for me and my kids. This is not in my budget. She wants to do it. She will have to pay for this to happen.

I wouldn't agree to that as my mom would throw it up to me constantly. My mom acts like she supports us when she doesn't give us a dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

OP: We are trying to do this, but it's been drummed into our heads for so long that you can never count on an inheritance that we basically aren't. Even though I can't imagine what my mom could possibly spend $6+ million on.

My dad promised inheritance. He gave it all away to his "friends." Don't count on it. Move on. What my mom has, my sibling will take it all as the executor regardless of the will. Move on, save and help your own kids. She could spend it all on a nursing home/care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad, who controlled the family finances, used to frequently tell us we would inherit a lot of money. He was generous during his life. After he passed, my mom found out that he had left her more than she expected. She also has a substantial pension and long-term care insurance. She's healthy at 84, but if she ever needs 24/7 care she can afford it for life.

I'm happy that for the first time in her life she get to do whatever she wants with her money on her own, although she doesn't travel much or have expensive tastes. I think having her own pile of money is a novel concept and it makes her giddy. She deserves everything, and I want to make clear that I never asked her or my dad for money.

The problem is that she frequently drops hints about helping me and my kids, but then doesn't follow through, unlike my dad. For instance, my kid went to an expensive grad program. My mom asked what it cost and told me, "Don't worry--I'm able to help you pay for it." I expressed gratitude, but she didn't give me any money. Finally, in my kid's third year in the program, I asked if she was actually going to help and only then did she take out her checkbook.

She does this with my kids as well. She knows they work hard but struggle a bit in NYC to cover rent and all expenses. She tells them she can help. In fact, she's constantly telling everyone how she has a lot of money and needs to gift it because it's more than she can spend. But then it falls to me to actually pick up the phone and ask her to send my kids a bit of cash. I don't like asking and neither do they, as it makes us feel like vultures.

We all use the same financial planner, and he definitely has urged her to gift now. I just wish she would do it without dangling it and then making us ask for it repeatedly. Should we just stop and inherit what we inherit at some point? She's a very loving mother and grandmother and I don't think is intentionally playing games, but I'm uncomfortable with the dynamic.

Okay so the program was expensive, and she said "I am able to help pay for it" and then you . . . never told her how much you needed to cover the cost, and that's a her problem? Or you're upset because when she said "I can help pay for it" you heard "I will pay for all of it, go take a nap" and then you actually had to pay part of it?

She's not making you beg, she's making offers. If she says "I can help you move" and then you never tell her what weekend you're moving, you can't be mad at her for not showing up with a U Haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say something the next time she brings it up. "Mom, can you stop saying you'll help us out? If you don't want to send any money that's fine, but stop telling us you will."

Of course we shouldn't count on others' money, but if she constantly brings it up she's basically lying to your face. And no one wants to hear that all the time.

I don't think OP needs to be hard on her as she's 84. She may just need OP to be more direct whenever she needs money. Just politely but directly ask her to pay for graduate school, or whatever else OP needs money for. If it's a large estate, she'll probably be happy to do it, but she is old, and she needs OP to take the lead. At least this is how things go with my mom - she wants to help, but she's not an initiator.

If that is being "hard on her" you must be very soft. Not everyone wants to beg for money that is freely offered to them, but not followed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say something the next time she brings it up. "Mom, can you stop saying you'll help us out? If you don't want to send any money that's fine, but stop telling us you will."

Of course we shouldn't count on others' money, but if she constantly brings it up she's basically lying to your face. And no one wants to hear that all the time.

I don't think OP needs to be hard on her as she's 84. She may just need OP to be more direct whenever she needs money. Just politely but directly ask her to pay for graduate school, or whatever else OP needs money for. If it's a large estate, she'll probably be happy to do it, but she is old, and she needs OP to take the lead. At least this is how things go with my mom - she wants to help, but she's not an initiator.

If that is being "hard on her" you must be very soft. Not everyone wants to beg for money that is freely offered to them, but not followed up.

I'm not sure how the 84 yo mom, whose husband always handled the money, is supposed to "follow up" when she doesn't know he cost of the tuition or who to make the check out to. So in this example, once OP officially asked for money, she happily gave it. But the financial advisor explained that if she paid it directly to the school, it wouldn't count against the gift amount for the year. That's all incumbent on OP to tell the mom how much tuition is, find out how much mom wants to give, do the legwork of speaking to the advisor, and getting a check made out to the school.

I'm sure it's awkward to have that conversation, but it really sounds like the mom wants to do it, she doesn't need the money, and OP could technically afford it but would breathe easier with the help. It makes all the sense in the world for OP to be more proactive in accepting these gifts.

When OP said her mom often hints to the grandkids she can help, I feel like the mom is thinking "why don't they ever follow up? I guess they don't really need the money!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad, who controlled the family finances, used to frequently tell us we would inherit a lot of money. He was generous during his life. After he passed, my mom found out that he had left her more than she expected. She also has a substantial pension and long-term care insurance. She's healthy at 84, but if she ever needs 24/7 care she can afford it for life.

I'm happy that for the first time in her life she get to do whatever she wants with her money on her own, although she doesn't travel much or have expensive tastes. I think having her own pile of money is a novel concept and it makes her giddy. She deserves everything, and I want to make clear that I never asked her or my dad for money.

The problem is that she frequently drops hints about helping me and my kids, but then doesn't follow through, unlike my dad. For instance, my kid went to an expensive grad program. My mom asked what it cost and told me, "Don't worry--I'm able to help you pay for it." I expressed gratitude, but she didn't give me any money. Finally, in my kid's third year in the program, I asked if she was actually going to help and only then did she take out her checkbook.

She does this with my kids as well. She knows they work hard but struggle a bit in NYC to cover rent and all expenses. She tells them she can help. In fact, she's constantly telling everyone how she has a lot of money and needs to gift it because it's more than she can spend. But then it falls to me to actually pick up the phone and ask her to send my kids a bit of cash. I don't like asking and neither do they, as it makes us feel like vultures.

We all use the same financial planner, and he definitely has urged her to gift now. I just wish she would do it without dangling it and then making us ask for it repeatedly. Should we just stop and inherit what we inherit at some point? She's a very loving mother and grandmother and I don't think is intentionally playing games, but I'm uncomfortable with the dynamic.

Okay so the program was expensive, and she said "I am able to help pay for it" and then you . . . never told her how much you needed to cover the cost, and that's a her problem? Or you're upset because when she said "I can help pay for it" you heard "I will pay for all of it, go take a nap" and then you actually had to pay part of it?

She's not making you beg, she's making offers. If she says "I can help you move" and then you never tell her what weekend you're moving, you can't be mad at her for not showing up with a U Haul.

Hardly. I would never have expected her to pay for all of it, or even half of it. I expected her to offer whatever she felt she could afford, not wait for me to give her a figure. How am I to determine what she can pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

OP: We are trying to do this, but it's been drummed into our heads for so long that you can never count on an inheritance that we basically aren't. Even though I can't imagine what my mom could possibly spend $6+ million on.

If it is the $6m range she doesn't really need to worry about estate taxes. The federal limit is $15m, and it is per individual with portability so if your father has unused amounts from his $15m it carries over to her. States are different but MD, for example, is $5m also with a carryover provision. Even if she is making a gift over $19k it just needs to be tracked to count against the $15m/30m exemption. Obviously the limits could change. Of course you may not want to tell her this if she is motivated to give gifts to reduce her perceived tax obligation. My mother gives annual gifts to my kids because she thinks this, and we haven't told her otherwise (she has more than enough to live on very comfortably for the rest of her life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad, who controlled the family finances, used to frequently tell us we would inherit a lot of money. He was generous during his life. After he passed, my mom found out that he had left her more than she expected. She also has a substantial pension and long-term care insurance. She's healthy at 84, but if she ever needs 24/7 care she can afford it for life.

I'm happy that for the first time in her life she get to do whatever she wants with her money on her own, although she doesn't travel much or have expensive tastes. I think having her own pile of money is a novel concept and it makes her giddy. She deserves everything, and I want to make clear that I never asked her or my dad for money.

The problem is that she frequently drops hints about helping me and my kids, but then doesn't follow through, unlike my dad. For instance, my kid went to an expensive grad program. My mom asked what it cost and told me, "Don't worry--I'm able to help you pay for it." I expressed gratitude, but she didn't give me any money. Finally, in my kid's third year in the program, I asked if she was actually going to help and only then did she take out her checkbook.

She does this with my kids as well. She knows they work hard but struggle a bit in NYC to cover rent and all expenses. She tells them she can help. In fact, she's constantly telling everyone how she has a lot of money and needs to gift it because it's more than she can spend. But then it falls to me to actually pick up the phone and ask her to send my kids a bit of cash. I don't like asking and neither do they, as it makes us feel like vultures.

We all use the same financial planner, and he definitely has urged her to gift now. I just wish she would do it without dangling it and then making us ask for it repeatedly. Should we just stop and inherit what we inherit at some point? She's a very loving mother and grandmother and I don't think is intentionally playing games, but I'm uncomfortable with the dynamic.

Okay so the program was expensive, and she said "I am able to help pay for it" and then you . . . never told her how much you needed to cover the cost, and that's a her problem? Or you're upset because when she said "I can help pay for it" you heard "I will pay for all of it, go take a nap" and then you actually had to pay part of it?

She's not making you beg, she's making offers. If she says "I can help you move" and then you never tell her what weekend you're moving, you can't be mad at her for not showing up with a U Haul.

Hardly. I would never have expected her to pay for all of it, or even half of it. I expected her to offer whatever she felt she could afford, not wait for me to give her a figure. How am I to determine what she can pay?

If she offered to help you, then you determine what you can pay and ask for the rest. Anything else is just you passive aggressively hoping for a windfall.

[Anonymous]

She’s doesn’t want to help you and your kids until she has to when she passes away.

Stop asking or expecting.