dropping hints about helping financially

[Anonymous]

OP I am glad she seems to be willing to follow through. It sounds different than my experience, but I will share mine in case your mom never follows through.

My mother did this all the time. She inherited money and dad made big money. I would have said she was generous even though the money rarely happened or came with strings and stress, but I needed to convince myself the problem must be me.I didn't want to cause friction between her and dad by letting him know the offer they both made never happened.

When I got married she gave me the same options her parents gave her-we''ll pay for a wedding or give you the money toward a home or furniture and we will pay for the honeymoon. So generous-but it didn't happen. We took the latter. I got a great deal on the honeymoon and she changed her mind. No big deal, we could afford it. For furnishing the home, she needed to approve everything and even then, it was hard to get her to part with the money so we stopped after a sofa and paid for it ourselves to keep the peace. I sent a long thank you note and thanked her often for the sofa, but no thank you was ever enough.

There have been so many offers since then that when I finally gently asked, I got a guilt trip and a "how dare you!" I kept the peace by saying "thank you" and accepting the offers would not materialize.

Then came the threats. I was helping her a lot as dad became ill with cancer and then had to back away for a bit when DH had a health issue. That's when the threats started coming about the inheritance. Luckily, I knew no matter how much she promised, I should plan well so we were fine. I made it clear she can do whatever she wants with her money, but I don't want to hear any more threats.

I eventually found out she funded all sorts of things for my sister and her kids. No dysfunctional dance either, just insisting on paying and actually doing it.

I could go on with so many stories, but what helped me was to detach. I will not engage about money anymore with her. When she tries to manipulate me into doing more for her, I remind myself of how I decreased my work hours to help her and I have a right to earn my own money and she can hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Rough stuff, PP. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that. Detachment definitely is the best option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that she wants you to ask/beg?

For instance, my in-laws will only help when we request it. I was raised to never ask for help, so we never ask my in-laws for anything. Which my in-laws are disappointed with. In-laws are even jealous of the extra time my parents get. Dh refuses to ask them. My parents step in immediately and always offer, which we always accept.

You seem kind of rigid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

This is a somewhat dangerous plan. And people should stop pressuring their parents, who don't know how long they will live or whether they will get sick, to disperse their assets. But Grandma should also shut down her offers if she isn't going to follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

This is a somewhat dangerous plan. And people should stop pressuring their parents, who don't know how long they will live or whether they will get sick, to disperse their assets. But Grandma should also shut down her offers if she isn't going to follow through.

+1

My own parents (sort of) had this plan. Probably a lesser amount of $ than is being discussed here, yet substantial. Well: my grandpa passed away (mom’s father), then grandma remarried quickly. She died first. He changed the trust when she was very ill. The inheritance ended up going to HIS kids. Battled in court for no abail and my mom was bitter about it for the rest of her life.

Also end of life care can eat up a lot of $$$, yes. But these elderly remarriage scenarios seem common too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

You've misunderstood, perhaps intentionally. But that's fine.

-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I'm on her checking account, where she keeps a decent amount of cash. I can't imagine just telling her I'm taking out X amount; she would need to talk to our advisor and have him move things in and out of accounts for tax purposes.

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask our advisor to address this with her?

Yes. Are you an only child? Fact is a couple can disagree on how much to gift and the recipients were never privy to those conversations. Your father used to gift and fund generously from joint accounts. Are all your kids out of college and grad school? NYC rent was mentioned and your young working adults need help with the cost of living. Did the father do electronic transfers or paper checks?

Your mother now controls the funds in the accounts and decided to stop the flow. Sounds like you have conversations about her helping financially, she agrees, never follows through. You state you're on her checking account, likely added post death of father, usually done to always have the funds available [account for bill pay, direct deposit on pension, social security, etc]. You a joint owner [could use $ for anything even a splurge vacation] or POA which should be acting on behalf or primary owner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

OP: We are trying to do this, but it's been drummed into our heads for so long that you can never count on an inheritance that we basically aren't. Even though I can't imagine what my mom could possibly spend $6+ million on.

My dad promised inheritance. He gave it all away to his "friends." Don't count on it. Move on. What my mom has, my sibling will take it all as the executor regardless of the will. Move on, save and help your own kids. She could spend it all on a nursing home/care.

+1
Just takes one scammer or one charismatic mega church leader

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are the same. They have so much money yet live so frugally that their huge pile of money actually gets bigger every year because the growth alone far exceeds their spending. They literally don’t know what to do with the money. The only remotely expensive things they buy are new Apple products and river cruises, which they can easily afford and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think real examples of the tax implications would help too.

OP: For instance, when she paid for part of a semester for my kid's grad school, she wrote a check directly to the school so it didn't count as a taxable gift vs. giving it to me directly. This is why having the advisor helps and why I don't want to just be removing money from her account.

Are you in the US? If the gifts are ever taxable, that would mean you have been gifted more than $13M.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

OP: We are trying to do this, but it's been drummed into our heads for so long that you can never count on an inheritance that we basically aren't. Even though I can't imagine what my mom could possibly spend $6+ million on.

If it is the $6m range she doesn't really need to worry about estate taxes. The federal limit is $15m, and it is per individual with portability so if your father has unused amounts from his $15m it carries over to her. States are different but MD, for example, is $5m also with a carryover provision. Even if she is making a gift over $19k it just needs to be tracked to count against the $15m/30m exemption. Obviously the limits could change. Of course you may not want to tell her this if she is motivated to give gifts to reduce her perceived tax obligation. My mother gives annual gifts to my kids because she thinks this, and we haven't told her otherwise (she has more than enough to live on very comfortably for the rest of her life).

What does “carryover provision” mean in this context?

“States are different but MD, for example, is $5m also with a carryover provision.”

[Anonymous]

My parents do not give me money, ever. They live comfortably and I am not sure if there will be an inheritance and that is ok.

My inlaws have (had) a ton of money, but it always came with strings attached and made them feel like they could run our lives over a $100 birthday check. I told my DH to refuse offers and not ask for money, it was not worth it and I did not to be controlled by anyone. There is a power that comes with money Op.

You can either ask your mom on the spot when she offers - which means some pre planning on your part before you mention it or you can leave it alone. Are you an only child?

DHs sibling is money hungry and has systematically take over his parents finances and controls them and their estate while shutting everyone else in the family out. I doubt there will be any inheritance but no amount of money is worth being beholden to someone else.

If it is gifted, be thankful - otherwise find other ways to fund your life and your kids life.