dropping hints about helping financially

[Anonymous]

you need to just pay your own way and inherit when she passes. i am not on board with the having to ask all the time, even though she has offered.

my mom offered "college money," but when it came down to it it was just a few thousand per year. this is, of course, AFTER my dad told us he would pay for college. she also would not give it if you didn't specifically ASK for it at the beginning of each year. that makes an awkward dynamic, for sure.

you could talk to her about it, but she may never change.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of widows live in fear of becoming destitute and feeling insecure. I'm sure on one hand she knows it's irrational because she can see the numbers, her financial guy is looped in, etc. But again, she might worry that if she starts giving it away she might end up in a precarious position.

YOu say you use the same financial planner. Take it to him/her. Say "without me asking, mom often offers to help with finances for xyz. Based on what you know of her position, do you think it's prudent (for her financial security, taxes, etc.) that I accept?

Then, assuming you have a thumbs up from financial guy, the next time mom offers, say "gosh, mom, I would be so grateful. That would be an enormous help. If you're sincere in the offer, it would be great to do it in short order. Is that ok?"

[Anonymous]

I think this happens to women who haven’t had the experience of writing large checks - it didn’t come easily late in life. Typically men are the ones writing the big checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this happens to women who haven’t had the experience of writing large checks - it didn’t come easily late in life. Typically men are the ones writing the big checks.

+1
This is what I was thinking. If OP's dad was the one who handled their financials then it all might feel overwhelming to OP's mom now. OP's mom may be comfortable with financial issues up to a point, but the rest might be where she struggles. Things are not always linear. And being one-step removed from "writing the big checks" for decades can make a person hesitant at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this happens to women who haven’t had the experience of writing large checks - it didn’t come easily late in life. Typically men are the ones writing the big checks.

+1
This is what I was thinking. If OP's dad was the one who handled their financials then it all might feel overwhelming to OP's mom now. OP's mom may be comfortable with financial issues up to a point, but the rest might be where she struggles. Things are not always linear. And being one-step removed from "writing the big checks" for decades can make a person hesitant at the very least.

I 100% think this is what’s going on. Mom wants to help but she’s waiting for someone to tell her exactly what to do. When she tells you she wants to pay for part of Larla’s wedding, thank her and tell her your budget. Ask what she would like to contribute and remind her to run it past her financial advisor.

[Anonymous]

The best is to have a 3-way meeting between you, her, and your financial advisor. The fact that you use the same one makes this really easy. Once the financial advisor has explained what he thinks should happen and why, your mom may feel more comfortable with letting some money go. As others have said, it doesn't look like she was in charge of the money for the majority of her lifetime, so such decisions are difficult to make, as your dad made all the decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law (recently widowed) exactly the same. We may face a really high tax bill, as we did last year, because we sold a lot of stock to buy a new house. She and my late father in law were always pushing, pushing us to get a new place closer to them. We finally did, and didn’t ask for any help. This year I made my husband ask her since drops so many hints. I think she says she’ll give us $20k, but so far, crickets. She also says she’d like to help us buy a car for our teen… and then drops it.

[Anonymous]

My stepmom is the same. Vague assurances of “help” for education costs but never follows through, and will mention that “I should go ahead and pass on some of the assets now” but never follows through. We are ok without so I just ignore it. I chalk it up to a combination of inertia/ not wanting to deal with the administration part of it and an internal conflict between wanting to be generous and being afraid at some level of running out of money.

[Anonymous]

Has she set up a trust? I would ask her to focus on that so you don’t end up with estate taxes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

This!

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this too. She offered to help buy my child a car and then when the time came to buy a car, no offers came to the table or money. I don’t know if they forget, or if they say it and don’t realize how much people need help so it’s not a big deal to them? I can’t figure it out because I offered money to someone, I would be paying them right away. It would be on my mind until I did.

OP do you have siblings? How do they handle it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this too. She offered to help buy my child a car and then when the time came to buy a car, no offers came to the table or money. I don’t know if they forget, or if they say it and don’t realize how much people need help so it’s not a big deal to them? I can’t figure it out because I offered money to someone, I would be paying them right away. It would be on my mind until I did.

OP do you have siblings? How do they handle it?

I don't ask my sibling because I don't want to open up that can of worms. But I did speak with my mom last night about it all, and she said that she does need more clarity from me sometimes. So I have a better idea of how to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

You've misunderstood, perhaps intentionally. But that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this too. She offered to help buy my child a car and then when the time came to buy a car, no offers came to the table or money. I don’t know if they forget, or if they say it and don’t realize how much people need help so it’s not a big deal to them? I can’t figure it out because I offered money to someone, I would be paying them right away. It would be on my mind until I did.

OP do you have siblings? How do they handle it?

I don't ask my sibling because I don't want to open up that can of worms. But I did speak with my mom last night about it all, and she said that she does need more clarity from me sometimes. So I have a better idea of how to move forward.

That's good news!