Struggling junior & SAT wake-up call
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Anonymous
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I hate that I'm even writing this, but we’re at a crossroads with our DS (11th grade) and I’m hoping for some honest advice from parents who’ve been through similar struggles.
Over the past 2.5 years, it’s been clear to us that DS would need significant support to be ready for college, especially in terms of maturity, motivation, and work ethic. We’ve invested heavily in tutoring, school supports, and encouragement, but things haven’t improved the way we hoped. His academic performance has steadily declined, and we’ve seen signs of depression and general disengagement from anything school-related. Despite numerous college visits and conversations, he still doesn’t seem to grasp what it takes to get into and succeed in college. His recent SAT score was under 1000, but the real issue is that he didn’t prepare at all. He went into it cold, even though we had discussed a plan and offered support to help him study. Spring grades are also slipping, and his 3.1 GPA is at risk. After the SAT, my husband and I had a hard but necessary conversation with him. We’ve decided to give him one more shot this summer. He’ll be enrolled in a structured, expensive SAT prep program, and our expectations are clear: he needs to put in real effort, at least 2 hours a day of studying, 5 days a week, and complete weekly practice tests after the course ends. If we see meaningful effort and improvement, we’ll continue supporting a 4-year college path. If not, we’ll be redirecting him toward community college. It’s about readiness. He has a long pattern of minimal effort and telling himself (and us) he’s doing more than he really is. He doesn’t put sustained time into anything, whether it’s academics, sports, or hobbies, unless it’s video games. We’re deeply concerned that he’s not ready for the independence or structure of a 4-year school. We don’t want to fund four years of struggle and failure if he’s not in the right mindset. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What helped your teen turn things around, if they did? |
Anonymous
| He’s a current 11th grader? I would plan on sending him to community college now. Why set conditions you know he won’t meet? Start discussing trades that might suit him. There are a lot of opportunities out there. Stop pushing the rope. It’s not working. |
Anonymous
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My kid was in a similar situation and it turned out to be ADHD with depression and anxiety. Meds and therapy have helped a lot.
Get your kid tested OP. |
Anonymous
He's been tested, he definitely has ADHD. Depression screen was negative, but we think that's because he's not honest with himself etc. I should add that the other condition of us funding college is that he try's therapy again and considers meds. Up until this point he was not a willing participant and it was just wasted time. |
Anonymous
This just sounds like a recipe for making someone who is miserable more miserable. Why are you forcing him into something you want, not him? You say you're "giving him one more shot," but at what? He doesn't want this. Recently I had a plumbing emergency at my house and it took me all day on the phone, calling 10 different companies before finding someone available to come out to my house at 7pm. That guy made $600. That experience taught me that if I knew a teenager in this town I'd be telling him to become a plumber as they are clearly in shortage. There are many pathways in life that don't involve high SATs and a 4 year college. |
Anonymous
+1 But also talk to his Dr about possible clinical depression or possible adhd. |
Anonymous
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So he is pushing to attend a regular 4 year college? Clearly, he struggles academically and will not do well unless it is an easy, supportive college and an easy major. What program does he want to pursue?
If you can afford it, there are many benefits to going away to college to practice psuedo-adulthood. |
Anonymous
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I have two stories for you. My youngest is highly motivated and works very hard. Great grades. Bombed the SATs. We spend more than $5k on test prep and tutoring and she worked hard. Her scores increased by 40 points. So for me personally, I wouldn’t make SAT performance the criteria I’d use for decision making.
I also have a son who is extremely bright but has disabilities. He could never have handled college at 18. He started community college at 21 and it took a full year until he displayed good student behaviors. For three semesters he took only one class at a time and even with that he failed one class. The plan is for him to complete an AA degree then move to a four year school. We do require medication - ADHD and mental health issues. But as he matured it stopped being an issue. However, we found therapy to be a complete waste of time and money. |
Anonymous
| Find something else for him to do. He sounds like he’s not that academic. |
Anonymous
| He can go to Radford or towson |
Anonymous
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My AuDHD child is very similar. We didn't even try SATs -- with all the test optional schools, spending time prepping for a test, and likely still having a score that he wouldn't report, seemed like a poor use of time.
What does your son want to do after high school? We think college will be better because he can immerse himself in the subjects he really loves (he picked a school with minimal distribution requirements). We also looked at support programs like Mansfield Hall -- expensive, but cheaper than failing. |
Anonymous
| Don’t waste your money on SAT prep. Based on the history it won’t be effective. I know that sounds harsh but I speak from experience. If he asked for SAT prep it would be different but it doesn’t sound like he is even asking. Students need to be self-motivated to succeed. Kids who only perform in response to bribes, threats and parent pressure are being set up to fail. He should attend community college but not as a punishment. I would sit him down and explain that it will be a good opportunity to test the waters of college and build better study habits. But before you even get there, you need a better understanding of what has brought you to this point. I genuinely believe kids want to be successful but sometimes there’s a missed diagnosis, mental health challenges or learned helplessness. To me, it does sound like depression. My son with depression and anxiety saw his grades crash in 9th. Thanks to therapy and meds he has seen a steady improvement semester over semester. At one time I thought he would need to do the community college route but now as a junior he is 100% independent in his schoolwork and seeking out challenges which tells me he is going to be ready for a 4 year school. But I have told him time and again that community colllege is an option and I’ll be proud of him no matter wherever he lands. It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish. |
Anonymous
We have positioned trades as an option. Again with the lack of effort, he won't be successful at anything. We're upset that the only effort he puts forth is into his social life and that he is disillusioned that this type of effort will fly at a 4 year or life in general. He's interested in engineering and we essentially told him that unless he steers the ship around, he's got no shot at being successful in an engineering program because that requires he seeks out tutoring, advocates for himself and puts in the extra time and really focuses. |
Anonymous
| Is he interested in something like electronics, cars or fixing things around the house? If he’s interested in a trade, why not invest in that path? Four-year college is not useful for everyone. We need a culture shift to value and applaud other paths. What are his genuine skills and interests? |
Anonymous
| Maybe he's just not high IQ. Community college or a trades job. But he would have to show up. Or institutional care. |