Hosting Family while Post Partum

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my ILs and pre kids we regularly hosted them (and also my family) at our home and on trips with us. In the past when we’ve hosted we’ve given them the VIP guest treatment — letting them stay in our home or home we’ve rented, planning all activities, covering almost all meals, housework, etc. My ILs are well meaning “fun” types that now treat visiting us as a vacation and do not really help out with practical stuff when they are here.

However, we are currently six weeks post partum. ILs have invited themselves over for the second long weekend to see the grand baby (coming up during Mothers Day) and I no longer feel up for this kind of hosting — fine if they want to come, but I want them to stay elsewhere and ideally be helpful to us during the visit vs expecting us to host — I want some VIP treatment! But would also settle with them just being more independent during the visits.

I want to be sensitive to their feelings — my family lives close by so they get to see us more frequently. However, they are also extremely helpful when they come— my mom proactively cooks most meals, helps us with the overnight baby shift, and does all my housework while she is here. My dad runs errands and takes care of our dog.

DH does not see the big deal / any need for us to change from past practice but after some tense conversations, says he is willing to support me in communicating…something to them.

Am I being unreasonable here? What’s the best, kindest way to change the relationship expectations around how we host going forward, and ideally get them to be more helpful if they’re here while we have young kids? We’ve already told them they can’t stay with us this time but DH also had to spend time helping them find and fund an alternate place to stay.

[Anonymous]

First I think you need to identify exactly what you want from them. You're not going to get the VIP treatment from them nor are they going to be like your parents. They just don't sound like those kind of people. So, do you want them to cook? Get take out? Manage to entertain themselves? Not rely on you to clean up after themselves?

Honestly, your husband is a jerk for only supporting you with communicating something to them. He should be handling this. He doesn't have to tell his parents that they have to pamper you or run errands and clean your house, but he should be able to tell them what you're not up for.

[Anonymous]

OP, just don’t do anything differently from what you do when they’re not there. Don’t host, don’t wait on them, don’t cater to their needs. And if you’re able, make specific asks for help. “Larlo, could you please carry this laundry basket up to the baby’s room?” “Larla, could you please chop these vegetables for the salad?” Or whatever you need. Your DH has to understand that you are now new parents, and his own parents need to either lend a hand or at least minimize their needs. They are visiting as family, not as guests of honor. I don’t think you yourself need to make any big proclamation to them. Just act how you want to and they will adjust. And if they don’t proactively help, you can ask them and if they still aren’t helpful, then at least you can shed the burden of trying to accommodate them as a priority. It’s nice they are coming, and you are so lucky to have helpful parents nearby. Congrats on the baby!

I hope they pleasantly surprise you. Report back!

[Anonymous]

So much of the time it's really a husband problem. You have a husband problem.

Stop giving it any thought OP. Right this second. Your husband should manage his parents and whatever treatment they might expect.

Don't expect help from them, but you don't need to entertain them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just don’t do anything differently from what you do when they’re not there. Don’t host, don’t wait on them, don’t cater to their needs. And if you’re able, make specific asks for help. “Larlo, could you please carry this laundry basket up to the baby’s room?” “Larla, could you please chop these vegetables for the salad?” Or whatever you need. Your DH has to understand that you are now new parents, and his own parents need to either lend a hand or at least minimize their needs. They are visiting as family, not as guests of honor. I don’t think you yourself need to make any big proclamation to them. Just act how you want to and they will adjust. And if they don’t proactively help, you can ask them and if they still aren’t helpful, then at least you can shed the burden of trying to accommodate them as a priority. It’s nice they are coming, and you are so lucky to have helpful parents nearby. Congrats on the baby!

I hope they pleasantly surprise you. Report back!

I disagree. That seems like a setup to hurt feelings and resentment. Just have your husband communicate with his parents. He already told them they can't stay with you and helped them find a place, so that's a good start.

[Anonymous]

You pick up the phone when your husband is hear, and while it rings, you tell him he needs to back you up. You adopt a warm and friendly tone and tell your in-laws that this pregnancy and post-partum period has taken its physical toll on you, and that you are not able to welcome them into your home as you usually do. If they want to get a hotel, you would love to see them, but you cannot prepare their room, cook meals, clean up, or do any hosting duties. Your parents came over and did all that for you, but since you don't expect them to do the same, you cannot host.

And that's it, OP. They'll be disappointed. Maybe they'll push back, or maybe they'll sulk. Do you really care? And if your husband dares to complain, tell him that he's the actual problem, for not standing up for you and not making it clear to his parents that they should be helping YOU instead of you catering to them.

[Anonymous]

here, not hear

[Anonymous]

If this is the second visit, what happened during the first visit? Did they expect to be catered to? Surely they didn't expect a brand new mom to wait on them.

If they didn't expect to be waited on, then assume that will continue.

I do think it's harder for ILs to learn to work around the house. Your parents are close by and well acquainted with what you like and need. You through your DH needs to help with the learning curve for his parents.

Also, if you push your ILs away, resentment will grow that your parents get more of the baby's time, and distance will happen.

Come up with the specifics of what you want, then go from there.

You could also mention them getting an Airbnb close by and come more often, but not stay with you, to be more like your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is the second visit, what happened during the first visit? Did they expect to be catered to? Surely they didn't expect a brand new mom to wait on them.

If they didn't expect to be waited on, then assume that will continue.

I do think it's harder for ILs to learn to work around the house. Your parents are close by and well acquainted with what you like and need. You through your DH needs to help with the learning curve for his parents.

Also, if you push your ILs away, resentment will grow that your parents get more of the baby's time, and distance will happen.

Come up with the specifics of what you want, then go from there.

You could also mention them getting an Airbnb close by and come more often, but not stay with you, to be more like your parents.

AND THAT'S FINE. Why do people assume post-partum mothers must take on all the burden and that temporary distance from certain unhelpful people is socially unacceptable? That's an outrageous thought on your part, PP, actually. It's too bad if OP's in-laws are the type to not give grace to a new mother. Every birth is different. What happened in the past is not a predictor of the future. It's perfectly fine if OP doesn't feel like hosting. She should not host. And if her husband is too chicken to tell his parents, it's perfectly acceptable for a mother to have the courage of her opinions and tell people to shove off (nicely).

[Anonymous]

If your husband won't have the conversation, then you do. "Barb & Sam, we'd love for you guys to visit but want you to know we are pretty at wit's end with the baby. Will probably just be ordering takeout and not planning too many activities. Here's a great site with upcoming events that might interest you. Of course, we'll probably be napping."

[Anonymous]

You can't ask or tell them to wait on you but you (or better yet DH) can tell them exactly what you can offer and what they'll need to handle on their own. Ex. "we can host you for dinner Friday night and Sunday lunch but otherwise you'll need to be pretty on your own for meals" or "we'll be sticking close to home with the new baby and won't be up for a bunch of outings."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just don’t do anything differently from what you do when they’re not there. Don’t host, don’t wait on them, don’t cater to their needs. And if you’re able, make specific asks for help. “Larlo, could you please carry this laundry basket up to the baby’s room?” “Larla, could you please chop these vegetables for the salad?” Or whatever you need. Your DH has to understand that you are now new parents, and his own parents need to either lend a hand or at least minimize their needs. They are visiting as family, not as guests of honor. I don’t think you yourself need to make any big proclamation to them. Just act how you want to and they will adjust. And if they don’t proactively help, you can ask them and if they still aren’t helpful, then at least you can shed the burden of trying to accommodate them as a priority. It’s nice they are coming, and you are so lucky to have helpful parents nearby. Congrats on the baby!

I hope they pleasantly surprise you. Report back!

I disagree. That seems like a setup to hurt feelings and resentment. Just have your husband communicate with his parents. He already told them they can't stay with you and helped them find a place, so that's a good start.

This. You just don't do things. Sit and let the chips fall where they may. If they ask for anything, advise them to ask your DH. Warn them when they arrive "I'm not really up for hosting and housework right now, so anything you need, just ask Larlo." You do not need your DH to support you in communicating this! You just open your mouth and say it. And then DO NOT DO THE WORK.

This may result in hurt feelings, passive aggression, and tantrums from them or your DH. But it's 1000% worth it to draw a hard line here. If your DH does not see a need to change from past practice when you are postpartum, he is a moron. And if he had to spend time getting them a hotel, well, sometimes life demands greatness and we must rise to the challenge.

[Anonymous]

I don't do anything anymore when my in-laws visit, and I'm not even postpartum. I told DH that their trip and stay were his responsibility. I'm happy to help him host his parents if he assigns me a specific task, but the logistics and planning are on him. I usually stay at the office later when they are here, and encourage him to take them and the kids to dinner or order in. I just can't work a full-time job, raise kids, AND take on his responsibilities to his parents anymore.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to say “we’re not able to host you guys, sorry. We don’t have the time or energy with a newborn. When you come over you don’t do anything to help and we can’t host you that way now. “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just don’t do anything differently from what you do when they’re not there. Don’t host, don’t wait on them, don’t cater to their needs. And if you’re able, make specific asks for help. “Larlo, could you please carry this laundry basket up to the baby’s room?” “Larla, could you please chop these vegetables for the salad?” Or whatever you need. Your DH has to understand that you are now new parents, and his own parents need to either lend a hand or at least minimize their needs. They are visiting as family, not as guests of honor. I don’t think you yourself need to make any big proclamation to them. Just act how you want to and they will adjust. And if they don’t proactively help, you can ask them and if they still aren’t helpful, then at least you can shed the burden of trying to accommodate them as a priority. It’s nice they are coming, and you are so lucky to have helpful parents nearby. Congrats on the baby!

I hope they pleasantly surprise you. Report back!

I disagree. That seems like a setup to hurt feelings and resentment. Just have your husband communicate with his parents. He already told them they can't stay with you and helped them find a place, so that's a good start.

This. You just don't do things. Sit and let the chips fall where they may. If they ask for anything, advise them to ask your DH. Warn them when they arrive "I'm not really up for hosting and housework right now, so anything you need, just ask Larlo." You do not need your DH to support you in communicating this! You just open your mouth and say it. And then DO NOT DO THE WORK.

This may result in hurt feelings, passive aggression, and tantrums from them or your DH. But it's 1000% worth it to draw a hard line here. If your DH does not see a need to change from past practice when you are postpartum, he is a moron. And if he had to spend time getting them a hotel, well, sometimes life demands greatness and we must rise to the challenge.

Post-partum is the perfect time to drop the rope. Anytime they need something, tell them to ask their son, as you're busy with the baby or need to rest because your sleep schedule is off due to the baby. From now on, you have a new tone in your relationship with your in-laws.