Hosting Family while Post Partum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is the second visit, what happened during the first visit? Did they expect to be catered to? Surely they didn't expect a brand new mom to wait on them.

If they didn't expect to be waited on, then assume that will continue.

I do think it's harder for ILs to learn to work around the house. Your parents are close by and well acquainted with what you like and need. You through your DH needs to help with the learning curve for his parents.

Also, if you push your ILs away, resentment will grow that your parents get more of the baby's time, and distance will happen.

Come up with the specifics of what you want, then go from there.

You could also mention them getting an Airbnb close by and come more often, but not stay with you, to be more like your parents.

AND THAT'S FINE. Why do people assume post-partum mothers must take on all the burden and that temporary distance from certain unhelpful people is socially unacceptable? That's an outrageous thought on your part, PP, actually. It's too bad if OP's in-laws are the type to not give grace to a new mother. Every birth is different. What happened in the past is not a predictor of the future. It's perfectly fine if OP doesn't feel like hosting. She should not host. And if her husband is too chicken to tell his parents, it's perfectly acceptable for a mother to have the courage of her opinions and tell people to shove off (nicely).

We don't yet know if OP waited on ILs during the first visit or not. I was addressing a variety of scenarios. It just sounds a bit like OP doesn't want them staying with them. The truth coming to the surface. I get it. It's just easier with my parents than with DH's. But it was my own mother who told me I had to let them in and not push them away, otherwise I would have to deal with the stress of that the rest of my married life.

OP needs to find a way (through her DH) to keep his parents involved in a way that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just don’t do anything differently from what you do when they’re not there. Don’t host, don’t wait on them, don’t cater to their needs. And if you’re able, make specific asks for help. “Larlo, could you please carry this laundry basket up to the baby’s room?” “Larla, could you please chop these vegetables for the salad?” Or whatever you need. Your DH has to understand that you are now new parents, and his own parents need to either lend a hand or at least minimize their needs. They are visiting as family, not as guests of honor. I don’t think you yourself need to make any big proclamation to them. Just act how you want to and they will adjust. And if they don’t proactively help, you can ask them and if they still aren’t helpful, then at least you can shed the burden of trying to accommodate them as a priority. It’s nice they are coming, and you are so lucky to have helpful parents nearby. Congrats on the baby!

I hope they pleasantly surprise you. Report back!

I disagree. That seems like a setup to hurt feelings and resentment. Just have your husband communicate with his parents. He already told them they can't stay with you and helped them find a place, so that's a good start.

This. You just don't do things. Sit and let the chips fall where they may. If they ask for anything, advise them to ask your DH. Warn them when they arrive "I'm not really up for hosting and housework right now, so anything you need, just ask Larlo." You do not need your DH to support you in communicating this! You just open your mouth and say it. And then DO NOT DO THE WORK.

This may result in hurt feelings, passive aggression, and tantrums from them or your DH. But it's 1000% worth it to draw a hard line here. If your DH does not see a need to change from past practice when you are postpartum, he is a moron. And if he had to spend time getting them a hotel, well, sometimes life demands greatness and we must rise to the challenge.

Post-partum is the perfect time to drop the rope. Anytime they need something, tell them to ask their son, as you're busy with the baby or need to rest because your sleep schedule is off due to the baby. From now on, you have a new tone in your relationship with your in-laws.

Yes! Now is your chance to re-set this. Literally everything they ask you, you direct them to the son they raised. Don't even relay what they want. Just say "Oh, you can ask Larlo about that". "I don't know, ask Larlo." "Larlo, your mom has a question for you!" Takling 100% of the workload will help him understand how much work it actually is. Except of course, they'll as less of him because he is a man

Approach this with discipline and remember that your willingness to make it awkward is critical to your success. Let there be awkward pauses. Let him be stressed and frazzled. Let it be unpleasant. This is the natural consequence of their and your DH's behavior. You are not punishing them. You are just letting their choices play out.

[Anonymous]

Tell DH all hosting duties are on him, and then leave him to it. Refer any and all inquiries from the ILs back to your DH. What's for dinner? Not sure, ask Tim what he has planned.

[Anonymous]

Your DH doesn't think it's a big deal. Great, he can handle everything. You don't lift a finger while they are there.

[Anonymous]

Count on the IL hating DCUMers to come out in force.

[Anonymous]

All you have to tell them is “We are thrilled to have you here”

Then, you ask your DH to order in food for the duration of the stay. He can ask his parents to pitch in. And you just rest.

Why do you have to have a discussion or apologize about not being able to serve them? The truth is that you will not be able to serve them for years to come. So we welcoming and warm and tell your DH to order or cook or delegate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count on the IL hating DCUMers to come out in force.

If they were helpful, she would be looking forward to their visit. But they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH doesn't think it's a big deal. Great, he can handle everything. You don't lift a finger while they are there.

+1. Since this is no big deal and totally manageable, he should be easily able to handle it. What a great guy!

[Anonymous]

Your husband is dumping this on you.

He needs to handle this with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count on the IL hating DCUMers to come out in force.

If they were helpful, she would be looking forward to their visit. But they are not.

This. I like my in laws. They aren't the most helpful in the world but they don't make visits stressful. And thankfully DH is a fully capable partner and doesn't dump everything on me. I think OP is a little ridiculous with the VIP treatment and I certainly hope she's not expecting them to be like her parents. But she's not wrong for not wanting to have to cater to them the entire visit when she's busy with a 6 week old.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's possible they're expecting a lot less hosting than you think they are. They might have been following your lead. My family is the opposite-- my DH's parents jump in and help/interfere with everything, and my family of origin treats all guests as honored VIPs who aren't supposed to help. It took some getting used to, but eventually I realized I was making them uncomfortable by hosting them according to my own social norms. They were completely fine with me doing less, all along. So give it a try, you might like it and they might like it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First I think you need to identify exactly what you want from them. You're not going to get the VIP treatment from them nor are they going to be like your parents. They just don't sound like those kind of people. So, do you want them to cook? Get take out? Manage to entertain themselves? Not rely on you to clean up after themselves?

Honestly, your husband is a jerk for only supporting you with communicating something to them. He should be handling this. He doesn't have to tell his parents that they have to pamper you or run errands and clean your house, but he should be able to tell them what you're not up for.

+1

And shame on him for thinking that you could continue as you did in the past. How much of that organizing, hosting, cooking, planning, etc. did he do? I didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the relationship isn't like that, but I would expect DH to just say - "We would love to have you here, but it would need to be to help. We are overwhelmed right now and could really use help to do X, Y, Z. If that works for you, please come to help. Otherwise, we will need to postpone the visit, and a hotel may be a better fit."

Are there really non-narcissistic parents who expect to be waited on when there is a newborn?

[Anonymous]

Op is basically a drama llama. Family is visiting to bond with the baby, but op is just overthinking everything. Building scenarios in her own imagination and being resentful against the ILs. She does not sound like a good person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the relationship isn't like that, but I would expect DH to just say - "We would love to have you here, but it would need to be to help. We are overwhelmed right now and could really use help to do X, Y, Z. If that works for you, please come to help. Otherwise, we will need to postpone the visit, and a hotel may be a better fit."

Are there really non-narcissistic parents who expect to be waited on when there is a newborn?

No need to even say all these things. It is insulting and mean. Seems like sel-focused white culture kind of thing.

Be gracious, welcome them warmly and let DH do the best he can by doing it himself or outsourcing.

Why do you have to be condescending and spell it out to the ILs? Of course you have had a kid and no one is expecting you to so anything.

Outsource what you can.