Hosting Family while Post Partum

[Anonymous]

OP does not have adulting skills and the only thing she knows is to be resentful and not have any relationship with the IL. I predict a divorce on her future.

Op can choose to rest and not be available. No one will fault her for that. But she is resentful when her DH makes fancy cappuccino for her MIL or watch a movie !!

[Anonymous]

Yawn. 🥱

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP does not have adulting skills and the only thing she knows is to be resentful and not have any relationship with the IL. I predict a divorce on her future.

Op can choose to rest and not be available. No one will fault her for that. But she is resentful when her DH makes fancy cappuccino for her MIL or watch a movie !!

Because he’s failing in his parenting and marital responsibilities. She just had a baby FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is basically a drama llama. Family is visiting to bond with the baby, but op is just overthinking everything. Building scenarios in her own imagination and being resentful against the ILs. She does not sound like a good person

Nobody but the parents need to be "bonding" with a 6 week old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H steps up and does more or tells them no. Alternatively, hire help. Maybe when they see you had to hire a temp mother's helper for their visit they will get a clue and be more helpful.

OP does not need to hire a temporary mother's helper (???) for an IL visit. That's one more person to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the relationship isn't like that, but I would expect DH to just say - "We would love to have you here, but it would need to be to help. We are overwhelmed right now and could really use help to do X, Y, Z. If that works for you, please come to help. Otherwise, we will need to postpone the visit, and a hotel may be a better fit."

Are there really non-narcissistic parents who expect to be waited on when there is a newborn?

No need to even say all these things. It is insulting and mean. Seems like sel-focused white culture kind of thing.

Be gracious, welcome them warmly and let DH do the best he can by doing it himself or outsourcing.

Why do you have to be condescending and spell it out to the ILs? Of course you have had a kid and no one is expecting you to so anything.

Outsource what you can.

PP here. What? That is the whole issue - that the in laws aren’t helping. So her DH does need to spell it out or it will just be a long passive aggressive visit. I’m a big fan of being clear and not expecting people to read my mind. (And I’m not white, btw.)

[Anonymous]

OP here -- T-1 day, they are arriving tomorrow . Feeling optimistic that the combo of them staying at an Airbnb this time, me hanging back a bit more, and DH being clear about asking ILs to pitch in using some of the advice from this thread will help!

To those who have said the last visit didn't sound that bad -- in pre-baby times, I would totally agree and have enjoyed it! And I may very well be overthinking / more irritable from the lack of regular sleep and exercise -- another reason why I don't feel up for having overnight guests or hosting at this time.

Our typical days at the moment don't look anything like me getting dressed on time, having three regular meals, or going for a fun "outing" every day so even having to maintain that basic structure while guests are here already feels more stressful.

I do value and want to have a good relationship with ILs and be able to welcome them often, which is why I'm hoping to slightly renegotiate the terms of their visits and get ahead of this issue so resentment does not built. Wish us luck for the weekend!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just don’t do anything differently from what you do when they’re not there. Don’t host, don’t wait on them, don’t cater to their needs. And if you’re able, make specific asks for help. “Larlo, could you please carry this laundry basket up to the baby’s room?” “Larla, could you please chop these vegetables for the salad?” Or whatever you need. Your DH has to understand that you are now new parents, and his own parents need to either lend a hand or at least minimize their needs. They are visiting as family, not as guests of honor. I don’t think you yourself need to make any big proclamation to them. Just act how you want to and they will adjust. And if they don’t proactively help, you can ask them and if they still aren’t helpful, then at least you can shed the burden of trying to accommodate them as a priority. It’s nice they are coming, and you are so lucky to have helpful parents nearby. Congrats on the baby!

I hope they pleasantly surprise you. Report back!

I disagree. That seems like a setup to hurt feelings and resentment. Just have your husband communicate with his parents. He already told them they can't stay with you and helped them find a place, so that's a good start.

This. You just don't do things. Sit and let the chips fall where they may. If they ask for anything, advise them to ask your DH. Warn them when they arrive "I'm not really up for hosting and housework right now, so anything you need, just ask Larlo." You do not need your DH to support you in communicating this! You just open your mouth and say it. And then DO NOT DO THE WORK.

This may result in hurt feelings, passive aggression, and tantrums from them or your DH. But it's 1000% worth it to draw a hard line here. If your DH does not see a need to change from past practice when you are postpartum, he is a moron. And if he had to spend time getting them a hotel, well, sometimes life demands greatness and we must rise to the challenge.

Uh, no this does not sound 1000% worth it. Sounds absolutely miserable for everyone involved! Just be an adult and communicate your needs and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is basically a drama llama. Family is visiting to bond with the baby, but op is just overthinking everything. Building scenarios in her own imagination and being resentful against the ILs. She does not sound like a good person

The drama llamas are people who aren’t the parents of a child who worry about their “bond” with a child. Extended family don’t need to bond with the baby. Drama llamas get all huffy insisting they have needs and rights to a baby that doesn’t belong to them. Bonding is for the new parents.

[Anonymous]

It is much easier to just pitch in when you live close by, see each other often, are familiar with each other, and are your own parents.

When it is inlaws visiting from a distance on a occasional visit - just pitching in is hard to do and many women do not want their inlaws just pitching in.

If you are fine with them having run of the house to do what they see or think needs to be done or would be helpful and you aren't going to complain about what they do or how they do it, then great.

I think your view that they should only come to work is skewed though. You had the baby, it should be fine to still visit. Needing to earn your right to be a grandparent through labour is a bit of a crazy test.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, not the PROCESSING of dishes!

And DH being tired the next day because he watched a movie in the evening!