Hosting Family while Post Partum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count on the IL hating DCUMers to come out in force.

If they were helpful, she would be looking forward to their visit. But they are not.

Here's the thing. If this is the second visit, did OP really give them the VIP treatment at what would have been even fewer weeks postpartum? She cooked and waited on them with a real newborn? I find this hard to believe. But if so, then yep, ILs were out of line. But I've asked 2x, and OP never comes back to answer this question. Maybe DH was doing all the work? Maybe ILs don't know exactly what to do or how to help.

My point is only in that of course the standard DCUM IL haters would be out in force to promote their agenda.

OP and DH need to use their words and come up with a plan for what is reasonable for how to move forward. I know a friend whose DH wants to do more for his parents when they are here solely because DW's family gets SO much access to them and he feels it's unfair that DW isn't more accommodating in the few times they are there, when her family is up in their business constantly. Do you think her DH loves having to be with her family?

I get that I am reading into OP's situation. But I just think they need to talk and find a healthy way forward for each of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's possible they're expecting a lot less hosting than you think they are. They might have been following your lead. My family is the opposite-- my DH's parents jump in and help/interfere with everything, and my family of origin treats all guests as honored VIPs who aren't supposed to help. It took some getting used to, but eventually I realized I was making them uncomfortable by hosting them according to my own social norms. They were completely fine with me doing less, all along. So give it a try, you might like it and they might like it too.

Very much this. We could all learn from this post.

[Anonymous]

No. It’s too soon for do many reasons - getting into routine, you healing, but most importantly the need to limit exposures to viruses such as measles or any virus at all.
Not a good time to visit, esp on Mother’s Day. You get to be queen for the day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count on the IL hating DCUMers to come out in force.

If they were helpful, she would be looking forward to their visit. But they are not.

Here's the thing. If this is the second visit, did OP really give them the VIP treatment at what would have been even fewer weeks postpartum? She cooked and waited on them with a real newborn? I find this hard to believe. But if so, then yep, ILs were out of line. But I've asked 2x, and OP never comes back to answer this question. Maybe DH was doing all the work? Maybe ILs don't know exactly what to do or how to help.

My point is only in that of course the standard DCUM IL haters would be out in force to promote their agenda.

OP and DH need to use their words and come up with a plan for what is reasonable for how to move forward. I know a friend whose DH wants to do more for his parents when they are here solely because DW's family gets SO much access to them and he feels it's unfair that DW isn't more accommodating in the few times they are there, when her family is up in their business constantly. Do you think her DH loves having to be with her family?

I get that I am reading into OP's situation. But I just think they need to talk and find a healthy way forward for each of them.

OP here -- just catching up on the thread, really appreciate all the perspectives and advice! Will definitely be implementing some of the strategies here to communicate my expectations for guests during this period more clearly.

To answer this Q -- during the last visit--
+ It was just MIL -- her longterm partner (who we like!) was on another trip and couldn't make it. FIL passed away many years ago. MIL stayed with us for four nights.
+ Days typically went -- DH got up and made breakfast / fancy cappuccinos for all / chatted with MIL while I cared for the baby and dog (normally he would help me with the baby and dog so we each get more getting ready time). We planned an outing that includes getting lunch out somewhere. We cooked dinner at home or got takeout. While ILs are here they go through tons of wine glasses / coffee/ tea cups and little plates for snacks so we end up processing way more dishes. I have lower tolerance than DH for undone housework so I usually take care of it first.
+ Night one, my family came over and cooked for all of us to also see/host MIL -- afterwards, my mom, sister, and I cleaned up while DH took baby and my dad took dog out. MIL sat on couch hanging out with sleeping baby and sending baby photos to friends. Then she and DH stayed up late watching a movie so he was more tired the next day.
+ Night two, DH and I cooked. While he took dog out and got groceries for the next day, I put baby to bed and solo cleaned the kitchen while MIL sat on couch hanging out. In hindsight, this really tweaked me and going forward I will be more proactive in asking for her help in a friendly tone.
+ Night three, MIL invited her friend (who we also know) over for drinks and to meet the baby. Then they wanted us to all go out to dinner and we said we couldn't go out... we offered to do takeout at home with them but they left us to grab dinner on their own.
+ MIL did try and help with baby a few times but it didn't go super well (e.g. she tried to give baby a bottle with the inner bottle stopper still on so we had to intervene / help troubleshoot).

DH is generally a helpful partner and co-host, but the added tasks of having to juggle hosting mixed up our typical shifts of doing baby/housework/rest time so I ended the weekend feeling more tired than supported. It was especially stark in contrast to how much help I feel like I get when my parents are over -- agree though that it's unfair to have the same expectations on them so I need to adjust my mindset there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's possible they're expecting a lot less hosting than you think they are. They might have been following your lead. My family is the opposite-- my DH's parents jump in and help/interfere with everything, and my family of origin treats all guests as honored VIPs who aren't supposed to help. It took some getting used to, but eventually I realized I was making them uncomfortable by hosting them according to my own social norms. They were completely fine with me doing less, all along. So give it a try, you might like it and they might like it too.

Very much this. We could all learn from this post.

Agree! Normally we try to be really good hosts and it is my family culture for hosts to treat guests as honored VIPs by default but also for guests to not take too much advantage and proactively try and help the hosts.

I will try to hang back and proactively assign some tasks to the ILs for this visit, like asking them to take the dog out for her morning walk and pick up breakfast at a nearby cafe while doing so. This is the type of stuff that my family would just proactively do and that I would typically not ask other guests to do, but we are adjusting to a new normal now with the baby...

[Anonymous]

Having them stay somewhere else will help. Your DH should be doing all dishes and dog care in general these days, but especially when your bandwidth will be lower with guests around.

Also buy some paper plates for your guests to use.

[Anonymous]

H steps up and does more or tells them no. Alternatively, hire help. Maybe when they see you had to hire a temp mother's helper for their visit they will get a clue and be more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should either be the primary host at this time or should be the one to ask his parents to come at a later time bc 6 weeks pp is too early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's possible they're expecting a lot less hosting than you think they are. They might have been following your lead. My family is the opposite-- my DH's parents jump in and help/interfere with everything, and my family of origin treats all guests as honored VIPs who aren't supposed to help. It took some getting used to, but eventually I realized I was making them uncomfortable by hosting them according to my own social norms. They were completely fine with me doing less, all along. So give it a try, you might like it and they might like it too.

Very much this. We could all learn from this post.

Agree! Normally we try to be really good hosts and it is my family culture for hosts to treat guests as honored VIPs by default but also for guests to not take too much advantage and proactively try and help the hosts.

I will try to hang back and proactively assign some tasks to the ILs for this visit, like asking them to take the dog out for her morning walk and pick up breakfast at a nearby cafe while doing so. This is the type of stuff that my family would just proactively do and that I would typically not ask other guests to do, but we are adjusting to a new normal now with the baby...

Yeah, some people would find it really weird and presumptuous to take a dog out without being specifically asked. I wouldn't do that, myself, I would only offer to take the dog out. Not just do it without saying anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's possible they're expecting a lot less hosting than you think they are. They might have been following your lead. My family is the opposite-- my DH's parents jump in and help/interfere with everything, and my family of origin treats all guests as honored VIPs who aren't supposed to help. It took some getting used to, but eventually I realized I was making them uncomfortable by hosting them according to my own social norms. They were completely fine with me doing less, all along. So give it a try, you might like it and they might like it too.

Very much this. We could all learn from this post.

Agree! Normally we try to be really good hosts and it is my family culture for hosts to treat guests as honored VIPs by default but also for guests to not take too much advantage and proactively try and help the hosts.

I will try to hang back and proactively assign some tasks to the ILs for this visit, like asking them to take the dog out for her morning walk and pick up breakfast at a nearby cafe while doing so. This is the type of stuff that my family would just proactively do and that I would typically not ask other guests to do, but we are adjusting to a new normal now with the baby...

I think you need to understand that when your parents proactively do these things, it is considered helpful. Or if it is not- you can just tell them so. They are not your guests.

With ILs, it is very different. For them to jump up and start cleaning the kitchen, running out to pickup breakfast or a lot of other things- it could be considered intrusive or make you feel criticized or judged “what don’t they think my kitchen is clean enough?!” “They don’t like the food we have here, or think I can’t cook?” blah blah. For them, it is in some ways a no-win situation. They are guests and it will be a very long time (if ever) before they are as close to you as your parents are.

The main thing you need to do here is shift the hosting responsibilities onto DH. HE should be planning visits, meals or takeout, doing all cleanup, asking them for the help he needs etc. When they visit, DH is in charge. You sit on the sofa, take care of the baby, and relax and chat. Once the ILs see DH is the responsible party, they’ll probably jump in and help, as well….because he is their son and they feel more comfortable. And if they don’t- that is for DH to discuss with them if he wants. Nothing to even do with you. Also, if they get a bit annoying, just go and take a nap with the baby. When you have an infant, this is always a valid excuse.

Also, if DH is the host, he may find these visits more tiring. Thus keeping the frequency to a reasonable amount. Or even finding them an air BNB after all…

[Anonymous]

Nothing about their last visit sounds that bad. So your husband was a little tired? MIL went out with a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing about their last visit sounds that bad. So your husband was a little tired? MIL went out with a friend?

This. OP is a typical DCUM drama llama who cannot handle normal life. God save this society.

She can choose to not do any work if she is tired, but there is no reason for her to be passive aggresive. Let the ILs come, see the baby, pitch in if they feel like, and let DH order in food and help you and the baby. The house can remain unvacuumed, unsweapt, laundry dirty. No one cares. No one has crazy expectations of being hosted by her (and frankly even in visit 1, it was just run of the mill hosting) .

Seems like OP is really without adulting skills.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just because I'm really laid back but.....what were the problems with their last visit? Like I get that MIL sat around a lot but it doesn't sound like OP had to do all that much beyond her norm.

[Anonymous]

No one invites themselves over. This is within your control. You speak.

You say you like these people and yet you don't communicate. The worst thing is resentment. Resentment will kill any relationship, worse than them doing something or not doing something, or something you think they should know to do or not do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good relationship with my ILs and pre kids we regularly hosted them (and also my family) at our home and on trips with us. In the past when we’ve hosted we’ve given them the VIP guest treatment — letting them stay in our home or home we’ve rented, planning all activities, covering almost all meals, housework, etc. My ILs are well meaning “fun” types that now treat visiting us as a vacation and do not really help out with practical stuff when they are here.

However, we are currently six weeks post partum. ILs have invited themselves over for the second long weekend to see the grand baby (coming up during Mothers Day) and I no longer feel up for this kind of hosting — fine if they want to come, but I want them to stay elsewhere and ideally be helpful to us during the visit vs expecting us to host — I want some VIP treatment! But would also settle with them just being more independent during the visits.

I want to be sensitive to their feelings — my family lives close by so they get to see us more frequently. However, they are also extremely helpful when they come— my mom proactively cooks most meals, helps us with the overnight baby shift, and does all my housework while she is here. My dad runs errands and takes care of our dog.

DH does not see the big deal / any need for us to change from past practice but after some tense conversations, says he is willing to support me in communicating…something to them.

Am I being unreasonable here? What’s the best, kindest way to change the relationship expectations around how we host going forward, and ideally get them to be more helpful if they’re here while we have young kids? We’ve already told them they can’t stay with us this time but DH also had to spend time helping them find and fund an alternate place to stay.

You took the time to write a magnum opus here so why not just use a single sentence to tell them this is not a good time. Full stop. You owe no further explanation.

In my opinion, only fools insist on in-person visits to see new babies with all the means of communication available. But, also, only fools allow themselves to be guilted into agreeing to unwanted visits.