People who loved their partners/spouses but cheated anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

But so did their affair, right? So much friendship, love and passion it overrode the other person.their happiness, their time, their emotional investment, their future that you’re not interested in?

Why should one person get everything and the other person get NOTHING but scraps. Please explain it to me. When they chose their arise partner, they made their partner secondary. So why is that okay? Because the cheater decided so?

No. Not all of them. Many there is not a lot in common, negotiate a no strings thing, etc Not all affairs are romantic. Many are about looking for sex online and picking the most convenient and ok looking one. They aren’t life shattering…want to spend my life with you and raise kids together, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

But so did their affair, right? So much friendship, love and passion it overrode the other person.their happiness, their time, their emotional investment, their future that you’re not interested in?

Why should one person get everything and the other person get NOTHING but scraps. Please explain it to me. When they chose their arise partner, they made their partner secondary. So why is that okay? Because the cheater decided so?

No. Not all of them. Many there is not a lot in common, negotiate a no strings thing, etc Not all affairs are romantic. Many are about looking for sex online and picking the most convenient and ok looking one. They aren’t life shattering…want to spend my life with you and raise kids together, etc

Yes- seeing most affair down and less than 2% end in marriage. These aren’t “quality” people. They are more the kind you hide in a hotel room and would be embarrassed to be seen in public with, have your family, friends or co-worker meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving your spouse is also not easy. How many of you would take it easily that your spouse wants a divorce?

All of you that say leave the spouse before you cheat would act the same way…does it make it easier if your spouse said I want a divorce because either way your life blows up.

It's not easy but it's the right thing to do. Point to your own limitations and be humble but firm. Then actually move on and don't micromanage your own spouse.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop justifying your bad behavior and get a divorce. You don't love your spouse if you are cheating.

So you’ve never hurt someone you loved? Ever? It happens. People make mad decisions all the time. We’re imperfect. I’m not defending it but this refrain that all cheaters must not love their spouse just ignores that humans make mistakes.

NP. People do accidentally hurt people they love. If you intentionally hurt someone, then you don't love them.

No one "accidentally" cheats.

You only hurt them if they find out…so you rationalize it that as long as they never know, you didn’t hurt them.

Former AP and I are still friends and the one thing is that we will forever have this secret between us, where now there is someone else that knows more about us than our spouses. We are emotionally closer now because we can tell each other everything now that we have this bond of something only the two of us know.

Not as deep as you think it is. Mainly just knowledge of how your moral compass works or doesn't, with a mutual non-aggression pact laid on top. The rest is just sex-based bonding which isn't very unique.

We are best friends at this point because it’s easy knowing we can tell each other anything without judgement.

A great cheating success story!

[Anonymous]

For all the women on here crowing about cheating being a violation of wedding vows and the cheater must be a sociopath, etc, I’m assuming none of you have ever been divorced? “For better or for worse”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s absolute torture to care for two people. I haven’t cheated but the amount of time I spend thinking about the other person, I might as well have.

Torture? Try being a betrayed spouse caring for kids and discovering lies and deceit and that you were in a non-monogamous sex relationship without your consent.

Yes, torture. Depression, anger at one’s self, confusion but also love, deep love and care for both people and both families. The worst mind f*ck I could imagine, save for your own parents abandoning you. Everything I believed (like you do now) pulled from under me. You have your own purity to get you out of bed. I don’t. I lost my ability to lecture people because of how I feel. It is not good. And yet I haven’t crossed any physical lines, and we don’t even talk that much anymore—maybe once or twice a month. But the bond is there.

Flame away, I have nothing good to say in my defense except that I know I have nothing but care for both people in my heart.

What a luxury for you to design your life worth the intent of having two soft places to call and two people to adore you. The other side hasn’t been as fortunate. They have to hold your secret, the family shame, and feeling like their entire life was a lie. Feeling like they are inherently unloveable because the person that was supposed to love them didn’t, no matter what you say. All why they were holding YOUR family together so you could do what you wanted.

NP. Listen my exH cheated and it was crushing and we divorced. But life goes on. He didn’t GAF so why let this take up so much space in my head and heart? There are other, better, men. Get therapy and let this go.

[Anonymous]

I know a guy who seemed to love his wife and kids very much. He was a very involved dad and did lots of stuff around the house and for his wife. I've known the couple since they were young parents and now the kids are out of college.

Over the years, he put on weight. His career leveled off while she got promotions. I noticed that she got more and more dismissive and rude to him when we were were all together. She made jokes about him all the time. It was embarrassing. He looked hurt. It's not that she was wrong when she made fun of him, but she was insulting

One day she told her close friends that he had started an affair with an old ex girlfriend he hadn't seen since long before the couple were married. He was probably going to move out.

The amazing thing is that she persuaded him to dump the affair partner and stay. The couple went to lots of marriage counseling and they both worked on themselves. She became noticeably nicer. They stayed together.

I'm pretty sure he still loved his wife during the affair. She also must have loved him even though she made fun of him and insulted him all the time. (I don't know anything about their sex life.)

[Anonymous]

It is a fallacy. They love the family, the idea of their S/O, but they only love themselves. They love how others make them feel about themselves and that is the extent of their depth, unless they change significantly they are incapable of loving others.

[Anonymous]

People make a lot of promises to people they love. They don't always keep them. Breaking promises isn't the same as not loving or loving only yourself.

[Anonymous]

There’s a lid for every pot. The couple I know split and remarried but it was an emotional affair not physical. They have been married 9 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

I argued this way, until it happened to me.

I’m actually not averse to ENM. I averse to being lied to, gaslit, diminished, and things that I needed like time and affection, help around the house, being withheld from me. Until he looked me in the eye and said he didn’t do things that I had proof of. Until he used visiting work and parents as an excuse to leave his child and I alone for months, and I believed it, but I now know he was with his AP.

Oh, and I gave him sex dutifully like a good sex doll daily until he had to move for work. I even enjoyed it, but now I see it differently and with complete resentment because that all I was was An aid to help him satisfy whatever he wanted, never seeing me as a person. Because he was happy to leave the person behind.

So judge away. Not all of us are closed minded. I would have accepted something open and honest, and may have even found it stimulating. Instead it’s broken me. Not because he found someone else, but because for so long I was led to, manipulated, and fell into place because I believed it. There was no reason not to.

In your case it’s two separate betrayals.

My ex gaslit and stonewalled me unrelated to cheating. That was incredibly damaging to the point that I would have preferred he’d have had had an affair.

[Anonymous]

Don't have time to read ten pages, but for men, 90% of us received endless rejections when we were dating so when a woman gives us attention in later life, it's as if you can make up for what you missed. And even if the OW is plain, doesn't matter. She still has the same body parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

My entire identity is not wrapped up in my spouse. In addition to being a wife, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an employee, a lawyer, an equestrian, a volunteer, a hostess, a patient, and lots of other things. However, I didn't take vows with my children, parents, siblings, friends, employers, co-workers, judges, or doctors to remain faithful to them - the only person I did that with was my husband. I am not financially, socially, or emotionally dependent on my husband, but I do expect that he not have an affair. And if I found out that he did, I imagine it would feel like the end of the world. Your comment is incredibly insensitive to the people whose lives have been upended by affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part of your brain that falls in love is not the part of your brain that #%*~s. It’s that simple. So people who are very much in love cheat.

With love comes some scruples, so most don’t. And when love dies out, so do the scruples, so there is a higher chance of cheating there.

But love doesn’t necessarily equal fidelity.

I seriously doubt the cheated-upon spouse feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

I'm sorry, are you suggesting that cheating on someone when they are at their lowest is somehow ok? Do you even hear yourself?