Read my Dad's memoir; description of my childhood was a gut punch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be cruel here but what your dad did just frankly isn’t that uncommon. Men leaving a first wife and kids to go start a “new family” while they’re ascending in their career happens all the time. They put all the blame on the toxic first wife - for destroying the marriage, then for not letting them see the kids or their choice to move to whatever city and turning the kids against dad. In the end the new family gets access to more resources and more home life stability, so those kids typically turn out better on average. The first kids remain understandably bitter.

The second wife is typically an upgrade to the man too, as he’s more confident, making more money, and has more status, so he attracts what he believes is a more attractive, better temperament, and higher status mate. He resents and looks down on the first wife; both she and often the kids from that marriage are seen as baggage and the man wants them out of sight and out of mind. The new second family becomes his “real” family. I’m not saying any of this is morally right but it happens alllllll the time.

So what's your point for OP? Since it's awful but typical she should just put up with it? She should accept as typical of a man without morals but she doesn't need to accept it as typical behavior to deal with for life.

It was decades ago, it didn't and doesn't define her, millions of American kids have been in her shoes, and honestly her dad wasn't even THAT bad. He paid for her college and has been supportive of her in adulthood? Tens of millions of millennial and gen X Americans would love to have a "jerk" of a dad who was so generous. My advice would be to get over it and kiss his ass unless you want his third wife to get all of his estate when he croaks. No old man wants a buzzkill shrew adult daughter to remind him what a jerk he was decades ago. Read the memoir and jot down some interesting remarks and follow-ups about his life. Schmooze the old man.

Because nothing negative you say to an arrogant wealthy old man is going to get him to agree with you or re-write what happened. It's pointless. All the miserable echo chamber in this forum ought to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" instead of constantly advising everyone to burn every bridge in their life, become estranged to family, and be negative and hyper confrontational to everyone.

[Anonymous]

From dad's POV:

Many old school men think it's a women's job to raise kids, so a man leaving a mother he's unhappy with - especially if he still provides financially to the kids - just isn't noteworthy to them in any way. Onward and upward, let the kids circle back when they're 18+ and ready for adult conversations.

See also, rich men sending their 14-year-olds off to boarding school for generations, which is sort of the same concept of paying someone else to raise your teen. Or workaholic men who fly everywhere for work and are barely home; mom and dad are still married, but dad's barely home and obviously not actually raising the kids. Or two parent workaholic homes where neither parent are home much and nannies and au pairs raise the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

+1. Some people just can’t accept that their selfishness hurts others. That would require listening to others, and selfish people can’t. Also, I think for some dads that run off like this, they don’t want to face the pain do they just deny and rationalize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be cruel here but what your dad did just frankly isn’t that uncommon. Men leaving a first wife and kids to go start a “new family” while they’re ascending in their career happens all the time. They put all the blame on the toxic first wife - for destroying the marriage, then for not letting them see the kids or their choice to move to whatever city and turning the kids against dad. In the end the new family gets access to more resources and more home life stability, so those kids typically turn out better on average. The first kids remain understandably bitter.

The second wife is typically an upgrade to the man too, as he’s more confident, making more money, and has more status, so he attracts what he believes is a more attractive, better temperament, and higher status mate. He resents and looks down on the first wife; both she and often the kids from that marriage are seen as baggage and the man wants them out of sight and out of mind. The new second family becomes his “real” family. I’m not saying any of this is morally right but it happens alllllll the time.

So what's your point for OP? Since it's awful but typical she should just put up with it? She should accept as typical of a man without morals but she doesn't need to accept it as typical behavior to deal with for life.

It was decades ago, it didn't and doesn't define her, millions of American kids have been in her shoes, and honestly her dad wasn't even THAT bad. He paid for her college and has been supportive of her in adulthood? Tens of millions of millennial and gen X Americans would love to have a "jerk" of a dad who was so generous. My advice would be to get over it and kiss his ass unless you want his third wife to get all of his estate when he croaks. No old man wants a buzzkill shrew adult daughter to remind him what a jerk he was decades ago. Read the memoir and jot down some interesting remarks and follow-ups about his life. Schmooze the old man.

Because nothing negative you say to an arrogant wealthy old man is going to get him to agree with you or re-write what happened. It's pointless. All the miserable echo chamber in this forum ought to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" instead of constantly advising everyone to burn every bridge in their life, become estranged to family, and be negative and hyper confrontational to everyone.

maybe she doesn't want money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m shocked you continue to seek a relationship with him. You are a kind person. And he’s a complete narcissist and will never understand your perspective and will never feel bad for what he did. I don’t understand how he could think that sending you his memoir would be a gift to you. Completely psychotic.

Adult kids always try to keep the door open if a parent, no matter how awful they were, has money. If dad was broke this thread wouldn’t even be created.

If that's all you get out of this thread, it shows what kind of a**hole you are.
I'm glad I'm not you.

[Anonymous]

What kind of nitwit writes a "memoir"?