massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

At this point I would ask them to explain their plan to you. If needed I would provide suggestions in writing. I would say I was there if they has any question, but that I would not be assisting at all in the last 24 hours before due. Then I would step back and let things unfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

Question for OP:
How do you know they are planning on having their parents bail them out? You say they are strong students, do they often procrastinate? If so, this doesn't seem like a big deal if they tend to pull good grades. Why would this be different than regular school work?

Huh. Good point. I did not catch that on the first read: now I sense the implication that OP's kids have been bailed out many times before, and one wonders how much one or both of these parents have been a part of the good grades. This is a recipe for crash and burn in college if it is longstanding bailing that has happened

[Anonymous]

I did my college application the night of the deadline. I feel like it was Halloween? Anyway I turned out mostly fine. I went to a top ten school and procrastinated my way through that too.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Sex strike

They have 18 year old boys, the sex strike started at least 5 years ago (with a few ceasefires for anniversaries spent outside the home at a hotel or something)

100%. I am sure the DH has been “the problem” for quite a while by this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son with severe ADHD needed all the help he could get from me, and since he was grateful for the help and tried hard to not get too distracted, I felt he deserved it.

You need to be on board with helping, but you also need to take the car keys and nix the pocket money, and possibly the phone on weekends. Carrot AND stick, OP. It's not one or the other. Your husband is the carrot, you are the stick. The decisions your kids make for their college applications will have long-term consequences: don't let your anxiety and anger hamper their future now, but do exert just the right amount of pressure so they do some of the work.

It's a team effort!

Me again.

I wanted to clarify that DS filled everything out himself (two years ago), but due to his inattentive ADHD, I was right there to stop the daydreaming and Youtubing (his particular addiction). I hovered in his vicinity every damm weekend with my laptop and cup of tea, magically available to help at the drop of a hat, and with eyes in the back of my head. He asked me to double-check his apps for typos, and to fill out parental background which he was unaware of. I did the FAFSA and CSS and just asked him to sign. His essays took the longest, most agonizing and laborious time, because of his difficulties talking about himself and his abysmal processing speed. This is where I had to edit heavily, and for some essays, suggest complete reworks. He took some of my suggestions and made changes, but kept his own voice and ideas, which was the goal.

My husband did nothing except to sign the checks.

OP here. Did your son agree to do this (Sit at the table with his laptop, filling out forms)? Mine refuses. He has every excuse why he can't. He either goes out with friends, to school games or sits in his room with his phone for 10-12 hours a day, watching Youtube. He then does homework on Sundays so always has (and continues to be) good with that.
My husband won't police his cell phone or internet use (never has) so it's hard to override it.

Again, my son is independent with getting homework done. He's good about this. But he won't independently engage with anything college related and the weeks keep ticking by.

OP, I sympathize with you. I have a junior in college and still have nightmares about that year, especially with a high school junior in the house and knowing that it's coming up again next year.

But I must bring this up, because it seems to be a part of the problem: Why do you let him sit in his room on his phone for 10-12 hours a day, watching Youtube?? That would be an absolute no-go at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

Don't be a fool. Do the things that are not really 'their work'. This includes completing the mundane sections of common app, activity lists, etc. All they should be doing are the essays and supplementals. Don't miss the EA deadlines. Much easier to get into schools EA vs RA as well as potential for merit aid.
Also, if you even think they will need help writing the essays, start 'helping' now. You can't write them at the last minute. You can sit with them, brainstorm ideas and/or ask AI for those ideas. This will create a shell they just need to flesh out.

[Anonymous]

I had twins apply last year as well.
I recommend sitting down with them and having an overall discussion/explanation about the costs of college.
Explain private vs state university costs, how early action at state schools may save you (as a family) massive amounts of money. Talk about going for scholarship money. Assuming your kids have a moral compass they may care about your family's overall financial situation and that may motivate them. Treat them like young adult partners in the process. You are investing hundreds of thousands of dollars in them. If they are too immature to get that, then the solution is a gap year and work or community college.
For you and your husband marriage counseling asap. this is a huge divide and your husband's stance shows massive lack of respect for your feelings and ethics..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Tell him you’ll inform the schools that he is the author of the kids’ application essays. Therefore ensuring they will ge rejected from all.

I vehemently disagree with the DH, but what you suggest is basically ruining your kid's college chances. Your kid will hate you forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Tell them (husband and Seniors) that you will report the cheating to their school counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

If the parents own the cars and phones, this is not treating them like toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t help them you’ll be stuck with them

ha! That was my fear with one of my kids.

NP here with three in college.

OP, can you work with them (but one-on-one)? I think the college application process is so crazy, it's like the nuclear arms race. It's overwhelming. If you can help them break it down into manageable pieces that might help.

With one kid, we talked about the essay for 5 minutes or so. Then I set the timer for 15 minutes and told her to vomit forth whatever she could for that time, no editing or going back...and we'd review it the next day.

Once they get a few essays under their belt, a lot of this is repetitive.

And if they get one target college app done, then they feel like there is a big chip in the application mountain and then rest goes easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

If the parents own the cars and phones, this is not treating them like toddlers.

Why provoke them? There is still plenty of time. Why treat them as defective? Not worth the damage to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Really?? It sounds like OP and DH already have a terrible marriage. I’m sure DW treating her DH like a toddler and taking his keys would help fix that!!