Help my DD figure out what to say to her possibly racist frenemy

[Anonymous]

I'm a white mom of a mixed Asian girl and my DD has a white friend who's evolved into a frenemy and/or acquaintance. DD basically avoids her except at school, where teachers constantly throw them together because they assume they're still friends the way they were years ago. DD's confessed to me that one of the reasons she avoids the girl is because she's constantly making weird little remarks that are somewhere between outright racist, micro aggressions, or just plain awkward. She's old enough now that she wants to call this girl out on what she's saying, but doesn't know how to say it.

Some examples of the comments would be that a group of girls were talking about restaurants they went to over the weekend and one girl mentioned going to a Thai restaurant. The frenemy girl said, "[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!".

Another example is that one of their Asian classmates with expat parents moved to his parents' native country this summer. The frenemy girl said to DD, "[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!"

During a Lunar New Year celebration, there was a group of mainland Chinese kids who were also Mandarin speakers who ran a booth at the school festival to teach basic Mandarin phrases. DD's frenemy turned to her and said "[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". My ILs and my DD have Chinese heritage but we speak a different language than those kids and are from a different country.

I don't know what to tell DD and DH is really uncomfortable dealing with any of this because of his childhood and just accepting constant racist junk as one of only two non-white kids in his town. I think DD is old enough that she needs to shut this crap down, but I don't know how she should do it.

If it helps, I don't really care what this girl or her family thinks of us and I think most people in our school community would be bothered if they heard the things this girl is saying.

[Anonymous]

"That's your best?"

[Anonymous]

Be thankful that the frenemy is so willing to reveal her true thoughts.

Do not try to get your daughter to lower herself to the level of the frenemy.

Teach your daughter how to treat others with respect and how to avoid ignorant crass individuals.

OP, you are asking readers & posters how to teach your daughter to lower herself to the level of showing disrespect toward others. Why ? This isn't who she is & you should be proud of her.

[Anonymous]

How old is DD?

As a minority, I think the best way to address it is to correct it or ask a question.

Girl said the family eats Thai a lot. DD says, No, we don’t. Why would we? If The girl follows up with something equally presumptuous, DD says no, that’s a silly assumption, we eat lots of different things.

Girl says friend moved to China for dumplings. DD says, No he didn’t. That’s a silly reason to move.

Sometimes shutting down the nonsense is a simple matter of dispelling stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one because if you bring in anyone at the school it could be blown well out of proportion in a way that is not helpful to anyone. These sound like ignorant and hurtful statements that should absolutely be corrected but not worthy of the fullblown “hate bias incident” report that might result, complete with the actual police being called!

I think you can do the following:
- ask the school not to put the girls together
- talk to the school social worker in general terms and ask for advice
- request that the whole class be instructed on why this kind of statement is hurtful
- consider (and here is where I am out of my depth) encouraging your daughter to stand up for herself and educate the other girl
- possibly- only if you think they would be receptive- talk to the girl’s parents. I would definitely want to know if it was my kid, but I wouldn’t be very receptive if the message was “your kid is a horrible racist!”

[Anonymous]

In elementary, I would tell both the teacher and the guidance counselor to stop putting these kids together. And I would request they not be in the same class next year.

[Anonymous]

The “your people” comment is especially obnoxious. DD could say “my people” are everywhere not just at a booth. That other girl really is something with her constant attempt to other your daughter. The best way to handle it is to stay unfazed.

If she’s feeling more confrontational, she can also simply say, “Try again”. If asked to clarify, she can just say the assumption is wrong and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

I think 'shut up, Emma" goes a long way. As does "stop being so racist Emma".

[Anonymous]

You’re a viet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 'shut up, Emma" goes a long way. As does "stop being so racist Emma".

+1

[Anonymous]

I think the proper response is a blank stare and a "why would you think that?" type of a comment.

It is possible, too, that the other girl is clueless and thinks these comments are inclusive, rather than offensive, but that's definitely how they are coming across--offensive.

In an ideal situation, your DD would have the presence of mind to pull the girl aside and explain how her comments are offensive, but I think too much to expect from elementary school students, and doesn't seem like there is any mutual goodwill left.

(If it matters, I too have two half-Asian kids, though if my DD had this experience, she never brought it up to me.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's your best?"

This is a bad response because it encourages the girl to keep trying. Shut her DOWN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the proper response is a blank stare and a "why would you think that?" type of a comment.

It is possible, too, that the other girl is clueless and thinks these comments are inclusive, rather than offensive, but that's definitely how they are coming across--offensive.

In an ideal situation, your DD would have the presence of mind to pull the girl aside and explain how her comments are offensive, but I think too much to expect from elementary school students, and doesn't seem like there is any mutual goodwill left.

(If it matters, I too have two half-Asian kids, though if my DD had this experience, she never brought it up to me.)

I think you're right that the frenemy really thinks that these are somehow inclusive comments and she's seeking approval by "noticing" Asian people. I was there for the car and CNY ones and it was so weird- she was looking at us both for approval after making the comments. That's what makes it so awkward. If she was saying it in a nasty tone, it would be easier to just shut it down.

My DD is one of many, many kids of color at her school and most kid's and parents' social circles are really mixed. The frenemy has a big extended family and very involved grandparents and the family doesn't socialize with the mixed groups from school or the neighborhood. So I do think that the frenemy kid is trying to wrap her head around what her non-white classmates are like and trying to connect with them in her really messed up way. I can't imagine what the other kids have heard from this girl!

[Anonymous]

OK, #3 was the only one that seemed bad to me. I like "why would you think that?" as a response. And try to have them not be in the same class or same groups next year.

[Anonymous]

Act deaf. “Sorry what’d you say?” And make her say it louder and again. Also “why would you say that?” In a genuine tone. Practice her responding in the least defensive tone you can manage, just because it puts Frenemy on the defensive, not your daughter.

If they are in elementary, I’d compile a list of these things and bring them to the attention of the teacher and the counselor. Assume the girl is ignorant, which is true, and that you’re bringing this up to close some gaps in her learning.

Also, request your daughter not be paired with this girl anymore.