Help my DD figure out what to say to her possibly racist frenemy

[Anonymous]

OP: you are getting a lot of low class advice that recommends confronting the girl with some type of comment. Don't do this. Don't allow your daughter to lower herself.

The correct response is to ignore any such comments and to avoid any further associations or interactions with this rude, insensitive individual. If necessary, this may involve speaking to the teacher or school principal in order to avoid your daughter being paired with this girl again.

[Anonymous]

Why does she continue to hang out with her? Why not just avoid? Seems very strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with just a few non white kids in my all white school and so many of us did this to non white kids. And we weren't trying to be racist.

But kids don't have the words and can't really discuss how having someone different from them is a new experience and they aren't sure about the person and they are interested.

If they tell their parents, they get shutdown with don't say that or don't treat them different, and so on. So they just keep it inside and eventually their curiosity leaks out in random comments that end up hurting your DD.

And sure kids have been told not to ask but they are still curious and have less impulse control than adults.

Some of the suggestions from the posters are good and would probably help your DD friend to tone it down.

Now I'm confused. Is frenemy truly being nasty or just trying to bring in curious thoughts?

[Anonymous]

My go to at that age was "Well that's a stupid thing to say".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian with full Asian kid, I don't think this girl is that bad, maybe a little clueless, maybe a little racial stereotypes, but not racist. You might think it's micro-aggression, I don't think it's aggressive.

Believe me Asians also have racial stereotypes for other people too. You or maybe your spouse should teach your daughter how to resolve these things for the benefit of your frenemy. Because she will encounter things like this a lot.

"[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!". "No, we are not Thai, just like you are not French".

"[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!" "Don' t you love it too? they are delicious!"

"[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". "I might look like them but I don't speak Mandarin."

As an Asian person, I don’t think this is especially helpful, and I think that when Asian people pretend things aren’t racist it creates a culture of accepting this generation after generation, sometimes as a way to give yourself a free pass to be racist. You remind me of some of my relatives who tolerate a lot of crap and then turn around and say terrible things about people of other races.

And saying things based on racial stereotypes IS racism, by the way.

The previous Asian poster. These "racists" comments could easily be spoken by any kids in China/Japan/Korea if their school has an American kid. "John, I bet your family goes to McDonald a lot". C'mon, these are kids, they have no malice, you are suppose to teach them, not to treat them as "racists".

Just chill out, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The girl sounds clueless or she is in some way a little enamored that your daughter is half Asian and then feels the need to point out all these things out very awkwardly? My daughter has a Korean friend and every Asian thing we see, she brings up the friend's name. She really just things its so cool that her friend is Korean.

IDk though...that last comment with the your people. Yikes.

+1
What age are we talking? I see elementary but that's a pretty broad spectrum of ages.
I think we need to remember they are kids, not adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian with full Asian kid, I don't think this girl is that bad, maybe a little clueless, maybe a little racial stereotypes, but not racist. You might think it's micro-aggression, I don't think it's aggressive.

Believe me Asians also have racial stereotypes for other people too. You or maybe your spouse should teach your daughter how to resolve these things for the benefit of your frenemy. Because she will encounter things like this a lot.

"[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!". "No, we are not Thai, just like you are not French".

"[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!" "Don' t you love it too? they are delicious!"

"[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". "I might look like them but I don't speak Mandarin."

As an Asian person, I don’t think this is especially helpful, and I think that when Asian people pretend things aren’t racist it creates a culture of accepting this generation after generation, sometimes as a way to give yourself a free pass to be racist. You remind me of some of my relatives who tolerate a lot of crap and then turn around and say terrible things about people of other races.

And saying things based on racial stereotypes IS racism, by the way.

The previous Asian poster. These "racists" comments could easily be spoken by any kids in China/Japan/Korea if their school has an American kid. "John, I bet your family goes to McDonald a lot". C'mon, these are kids, they have no malice, you are suppose to teach them, not to treat them as "racists".

Just chill out, people.

They could be spoken by anyone. They’re still racist. It’s not my Asian child’s responsibility to teach other people’s kids. And if my kid was white and American and people assumed while living in an a Asian country that she ate at McDonald’s just because she was white, that would also be racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she continue to hang out with her? Why not just avoid? Seems very strange.

She doesn’t hang out with her anymore. But the girl does follow her around at school and she is frequently assigned to her clump of desks and/or to group projects with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she continue to hang out with her? Why not just avoid? Seems very strange.

She doesn’t hang out with her anymore. But the girl does follow her around at school and she is frequently assigned to her clump of desks and/or to group projects with her.

If she doesnt hang out around her anymore, what's the problem. Sounds like your DD doesnt like her and she doesnt like your DD and they barely interact. Sounds like your DD (or you) may have a chip on her shoulder or be creating drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: you are getting a lot of low class advice that recommends confronting the girl with some type of comment. Don't do this. Don't allow your daughter to lower herself.

The correct response is to ignore any such comments and to avoid any further associations or interactions with this rude, insensitive individual. If necessary, this may involve speaking to the teacher or school principal in order to avoid your daughter being paired with this girl again.

This thread is wild. So many posters insisting that the really important thing is not to make a big deal! No drama!

How do you think racism becomes entrenched? It goes without confrontation. The community accepts it and tells the victim to “get over it,” or “it was just a joke,” or engages in whataboutism. shoutout to the woman from California. People asking if everyone from California is blonde is exactly the same thing as living with systemic racism.

OP, I have a now grown multi-racial child who looks white although she is very substantially not white. Our experience is different than yours; she has privilege, but she also hears appalling things that wouldn’t be said if people knew her ethnicity, and she gets:
“Oh, I never would have known, you’re so beautiful!”
“Well, you’re not really X!”

Our strategy when she was younger was firm questioning. In the first example, she would respond, “Why do you think [ethnicity] people aren’t beautiful? Do you think only white people are beautiful?” In the second, she would say “Why do you think it’s ok to decide what I am?”

Usually the answers were a mix of sputtering and trailing excuses. DD ended the conversations with, “What you said was racist. Don’t say things like that to me.” Depending on the person, she would change the subject or walk away. For her, it has always been about not allowing micro aggressions or insults to go unchallenged, and taking control of the conversation.

If your daughter is ready, you can role play how she wants to respond.

[Anonymous]

I would have your daughter call the other girl out for being a an unsophisticated bumpkin. Embarrass her.

“I am part Malaysian. Do you actually not know that Thailand and Malaysia are different countries?”

“Wow. Your family must not be fortunate enough to travel internationally. Have you never met anyone from China?”

[Anonymous]

How old is the girl? If she’s 7 or she’s 11 makes a big difference.

As is, just keep telling the teachers not to put them together.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s weak to be offended by such nonsense. I’m Irish and would be proud of someone calls me a “Mic” or said I like potato’s or assume I drink too much. BFD I think I’m better than you so your opinion is of no consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weak to be offended by such nonsense. I’m Irish and would be proud of someone calls me a “Mic” or said I like potato’s or assume I drink too much. BFD I think I’m better than you so your opinion is of no consequence.

Exactly. And I wonder whether OP is taking such offense to it because she is white, and deep down inside she does view Asians as inferior, so any little joke about Asian culture, no matter how harmless or innocently meant, she assumes to be an insult? It also seems OP is actually speaking over the opinion of her husband, who is the only full blooded Asian in the entire scenario, and implying she knows better, which seems problematic in its own right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 'shut up, Emma" goes a long way. As does "stop being so racist Emma".

This. I'm perplexed by the other posters tip toeing around, though maybe that explains why racism is still such a problem today.

OP, call it out. "Teacher Jane, Larla isn't friends with Emma anymore and Emma keeps saying racist things to her. Can you please help by separating the girls."

When Emma says BS, you daughter calls it out loud enough for other people to hear "That's racist. Stop saying things like that."

the end.