Help my DD figure out what to say to her possibly racist frenemy

[Anonymous]

I grew up with just a few non white kids in my all white school and so many of us did this to non white kids. And we weren't trying to be racist.

But kids don't have the words and can't really discuss how having someone different from them is a new experience and they aren't sure about the person and they are interested.

If they tell their parents, they get shutdown with don't say that or don't treat them different, and so on. So they just keep it inside and eventually their curiosity leaks out in random comments that end up hurting your DD.

And sure kids have been told not to ask but they are still curious and have less impulse control than adults.

Some of the suggestions from the posters are good and would probably help your DD friend to tone it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is DD?

As a minority, I think the best way to address it is to correct it or ask a question.

Girl said the family eats Thai a lot. DD says, No, we don’t. Why would we? If The girl follows up with something equally presumptuous, DD says no, that’s a silly assumption, we eat lots of different things.

Girl says friend moved to China for dumplings. DD says, No he didn’t. That’s a silly reason to move.

Sometimes shutting down the nonsense is a simple matter of dispelling stereotypes.

I agree with this. I would tell my child to offer factual statements. It will help the bystanders learn facts and also that your daughter doesn't let stupidity pass by unchecked.

"I like Thai food, but I'm not Thai so we go to XXX restaurants more often."

"He spent the summer in China because his grandparents live there."

"That remark could hurt someone's feelings. Careful not to say stuff like that!"

As a privileged person, I have been asked some dumb questions too.

One I particularly remember from middle school in PA as a blonde girl who moved from CA. Someone asked me "Everyone from California is blonde, right?" To which I replied "Only in Sunkist soda ads".

I also had a high school friend, sitting in a class behind me, say out of nowhere: "You look like a miniature person!" She was serious. I made it into a running joke because I'm petite but only 2" shorter than an average US woman. It was just a dumb thing she said.

What you want is for your daughter to be able to stick up for herself and others, but in a pleasant, reasonable way.

If the girl continues to make racial remarks, you as a parent may need to report it to a teacher. The teacher should have policies and should notify the girl's parents.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter can do it, I think she should ask, “why on earth would you think that?” Followed up by, “do you think all [insert whatever her heritage is] eat at Thai restaurants frequently? You know those are two different countries, right? You’re being incredibly racist.” Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

There were only two Jewish kids in my class in elementary school, and I once asked one of them if he was allowed to celebrate Halloween. I wasn’t trying to be mean or offend. I wanted to know whether I could give him a snickers or whatever I was handing out. He was super offended. I believe you that the girl is a frenemy, but she’s also a child who only knows what she knows. Someone needs to explain a few things to her.

[Anonymous]

As a person who constantly makes the most awkward comments, I feel for this kid. It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to deal with the comments, but hopefully they are truly ignorant rather than purposely hurtful.

Having said that- ask the teacher to not put them together and help your daughter with some comebacks like “huh?” “What do you mean?” And “that’s a weird thing to say.” If she feels like it in the moment she could explain why it’s hurtful, but hopefully calling the words out as weird would work to.

[Anonymous]

I am Asian with full Asian kid, I don't think this girl is that bad, maybe a little clueless, maybe a little racial stereotypes, but not racist. You might think it's micro-aggression, I don't think it's aggressive.

Believe me Asians also have racial stereotypes for other people too. You or maybe your spouse should teach your daughter how to resolve these things for the benefit of your frenemy. Because she will encounter things like this a lot.

"[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!". "No, we are not Thai, just like you are not French".

"[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!" "Don' t you love it too? they are delicious!"

"[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". "I might look like them but I don't speak Mandarin."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re a viet?

Yea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian with full Asian kid, I don't think this girl is that bad, maybe a little clueless, maybe a little racial stereotypes, but not racist. You might think it's micro-aggression, I don't think it's aggressive.

Believe me Asians also have racial stereotypes for other people too. You or maybe your spouse should teach your daughter how to resolve these things for the benefit of your frenemy. Because she will encounter things like this a lot.

"[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!". "No, we are not Thai, just like you are not French".

"[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!" "Don' t you love it too? they are delicious!"

"[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". "I might look like them but I don't speak Mandarin."

As an Asian person, I don’t think this is especially helpful, and I think that when Asian people pretend things aren’t racist it creates a culture of accepting this generation after generation, sometimes as a way to give yourself a free pass to be racist. You remind me of some of my relatives who tolerate a lot of crap and then turn around and say terrible things about people of other races.

And saying things based on racial stereotypes IS racism, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the proper response is a blank stare and a "why would you think that?" type of a comment.

It is possible, too, that the other girl is clueless and thinks these comments are inclusive, rather than offensive, but that's definitely how they are coming across--offensive.

In an ideal situation, your DD would have the presence of mind to pull the girl aside and explain how her comments are offensive, but I think too much to expect from elementary school students, and doesn't seem like there is any mutual goodwill left.

(If it matters, I too have two half-Asian kids, though if my DD had this experience, she never brought it up to me.)

I think you're right that the frenemy really thinks that these are somehow inclusive comments and she's seeking approval by "noticing" Asian people. I was there for the car and CNY ones and it was so weird- she was looking at us both for approval after making the comments. That's what makes it so awkward. If she was saying it in a nasty tone, it would be easier to just shut it down.

My DD is one of many, many kids of color at her school and most kid's and parents' social circles are really mixed. The frenemy has a big extended family and very involved grandparents and the family doesn't socialize with the mixed groups from school or the neighborhood. So I do think that the frenemy kid is trying to wrap her head around what her non-white classmates are like and trying to connect with them in her really messed up way. I can't imagine what the other kids have heard from this girl!

Ha! I actually have a coworker like that. She's not offensive, but she's internalized that it is no longer cool to be race blind, so now she'll bring up race just *a little* too often, for some of our colleagues' comfort. It's not an easy balance, to be sure!

[Anonymous]

The girl sounds clueless or she is in some way a little enamored that your daughter is half Asian and then feels the need to point out all these things out very awkwardly? My daughter has a Korean friend and every Asian thing we see, she brings up the friend's name. She really just things its so cool that her friend is Korean.

IDk though...that last comment with the your people. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

If she's on the older side of elementary, you or DD should tell her next time that it's not appropriate to make assumptions based on appearance or heritage. She's not racist but she may not understand what a racist comments means. I bet someone just needs to tell her once. It may not be her parents. I have mixed race kids too, and the only time I've heard those type of comments are from other parents.

[Anonymous]

These are not comments made out of ignorance, they are intended to insult/offend / hurt. Please let’s not pretend she’s confused about whether her family might actually go to the Thai restaurant.

[Anonymous]

The frenemy is a white cracker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is DD?

As a minority, I think the best way to address it is to correct it or ask a question.

Girl said the family eats Thai a lot. DD says, No, we don’t. Why would we? If The girl follows up with something equally presumptuous, DD says no, that’s a silly assumption, we eat lots of different things.

Girl says friend moved to China for dumplings. DD says, No he didn’t. That’s a silly reason to move.

Sometimes shutting down the nonsense is a simple matter of dispelling stereotypes.

+2. If your daughter doesn't mind responding by correcting the stereotype, her friend will probably catch on and eventually stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian with full Asian kid, I don't think this girl is that bad, maybe a little clueless, maybe a little racial stereotypes, but not racist. You might think it's micro-aggression, I don't think it's aggressive.

Believe me Asians also have racial stereotypes for other people too. You or maybe your spouse should teach your daughter how to resolve these things for the benefit of your frenemy. Because she will encounter things like this a lot.

"[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!". "No, we are not Thai, just like you are not French".

"[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!" "Don' t you love it too? they are delicious!"

"[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". "I might look like them but I don't speak Mandarin."

As an Asian person, I don’t think this is especially helpful, and I think that when Asian people pretend things aren’t racist it creates a culture of accepting this generation after generation, sometimes as a way to give yourself a free pass to be racist. You remind me of some of my relatives who tolerate a lot of crap and then turn around and say terrible things about people of other races.

And saying things based on racial stereotypes IS racism, by the way.

My thought too. Stop racing to excuse behavior, that's how it persists. It should not be worse to call out the behavior than the actual behavior.
- Not Asian.