Help my DD figure out what to say to her possibly racist frenemy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There were only two Jewish kids in my class in elementary school, and I once asked one of them if he was allowed to celebrate Halloween. I wasn’t trying to be mean or offend. I wanted to know whether I could give him a snickers or whatever I was handing out. He was super offended. I believe you that the girl is a frenemy, but she’s also a child who only knows what she knows. Someone needs to explain a few things to her.

I had a classmate who was not allowed to celebrate Valentine's Day or Halloween. He stayed home. We all knew about it but it seemed too complicated to ask about. We thought it was the candy too. But it was likely related to a Christian sect.

[Anonymous]

Say

“Yes I am of the great Asian race. A civilization dating to the dawn of mankind. It was great before and will be great long after the rise and fall of roundeye’s low budget high point.”

See that’s how you handle stuff. None of this “Karen” tattletail whining .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weak to be offended by such nonsense. I’m Irish and would be proud of someone calls me a “Mic” or said I like potato’s or assume I drink too much. BFD I think I’m better than you so your opinion is of no consequence.

Between this and the next comment that says I’m bothered because I’m secretly racist myself, I’m not sure why I bothered to seek advice here. It helps to understand how people think, though. It seems that many people want the freedom to say whatever they want regardless of how it makes others feel.

What I’m reading is that my DD’s experience doesn’t matter and racism doesn’t exist because this white person wouldn’t mind having people say things about their ethnic group.

15:54, thank you for your sensible reply.

[Anonymous]

Just teach her to answer questions like that sensibly, politely and maturely without drama, and then move on with her life. I've dealt with those questions all my life, and honestly, it's fun to throw those questions back at people and make them think about their own misconceptions, without making it a tense situation.

I had a boss ask me what country I was from (I'm Asian, born in DC). I said America. He replied, you don't look American. And I replied, "What does and American look like?" He had to stop and think about what he was asking.

Prepare for those situations, bc there will be more. Make them teachable moments vs. melodrama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian with full Asian kid, I don't think this girl is that bad, maybe a little clueless, maybe a little racial stereotypes, but not racist. You might think it's micro-aggression, I don't think it's aggressive.

Believe me Asians also have racial stereotypes for other people too. You or maybe your spouse should teach your daughter how to resolve these things for the benefit of your frenemy. Because she will encounter things like this a lot.

"[DD's name], I bet your family goes there a lot!". "No, we are not Thai, just like you are not French".

"[expat kid] went back to China! It's because he loves dumplings!" "Don' t you love it too? they are delicious!"

"[DD's name], why aren't you with your people?". "I might look like them but I don't speak Mandarin."

As an Asian person, I don’t think this is especially helpful, and I think that when Asian people pretend things aren’t racist it creates a culture of accepting this generation after generation, sometimes as a way to give yourself a free pass to be racist. You remind me of some of my relatives who tolerate a lot of crap and then turn around and say terrible things about people of other races.

And saying things based on racial stereotypes IS racism, by the way.

The previous Asian poster. These "racists" comments could easily be spoken by any kids in China/Japan/Korea if their school has an American kid. "John, I bet your family goes to McDonald a lot". C'mon, these are kids, they have no malice, you are suppose to teach them, not to treat them as "racists".

Just chill out, people.

NP, but your examples are modeling to your kid so early on that the onus is on them to provide the teachable moment to the person being a jerk. No. Just walk away. Also there’s a chance that the words to any retort might just be twisted around and used to bully the DH. Best not to engage and be the better person.

[Anonymous]

*DD

[Anonymous]

People need more self esteem. If you’re proud of yourself it’s no big deal. If you have self loathing inside it can really hurt.

[Anonymous]

To the first comment about Thai food, I would've asked, "what makes you say that?

To the dumpling comment, I might've just silently shook my head and said wow inside my head. She sounds like a ditz.

To the with your people comment, I would've said, I'm with my people right now, smile, turn away and talk to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she should go back to the backwoods and fry up some squirrel with her people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she should go back to the backwoods and fry up some squirrel with her people.

I don’t think white people get their feelings hurt by that. It’s a self esteem issue. Fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she should go back to the backwoods and fry up some squirrel with her people.

I don’t think white people get their feelings hurt by that. It’s a self esteem issue. Fascinating.

Does the self esteem come from the fact that their race has been the dominant one in the world and in this country for centuries? Grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weak to be offended by such nonsense. I’m Irish and would be proud of someone calls me a “Mic” or said I like potato’s or assume I drink too much. BFD I think I’m better than you so your opinion is of no consequence.

Between this and the next comment that says I’m bothered because I’m secretly racist myself, I’m not sure why I bothered to seek advice here. It helps to understand how people think, though. It seems that many people want the freedom to say whatever they want regardless of how it makes others feel.

What I’m reading is that my DD’s experience doesn’t matter and racism doesn’t exist because this white person wouldn’t mind having people say things about their ethnic group.

15:54, thank you for your sensible reply.

You’re welcome. Maybe the Irish guy and the California woman can start a club for delusional white people who think they are oppressed. The anonymity here definitely allows people to display their bigotry and implicit bias. You didn’t receive much support, but as miserable as it is, seeing the blatant hypocrisy, racism, and victim blaming in its naked ugliness is a powerful reminder of what your DD faces. It’s evil that children have to deal with this, and as parents we don’t have any choice about when.

[Anonymous]

I like the "why would you think that" / "you're ignorant" type of responses. For example...


"I bet you go to the Thai restaurant a lot!" "Uh, no, I'm Chinese, you know they're not the same thing, right?"

Or just a blank stare and "that's a weird thing to say/assume."

[Anonymous]

Good to teach her to stand up. talk through good comebacks that would get that kid to shut up. For example the be with your people. she could say oh if only there was a table labeled idiots and jerks then you would know where to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful that the frenemy is so willing to reveal her true thoughts.

Do not try to get your daughter to lower herself to the level of the frenemy.

Teach your daughter how to treat others with respect and how to avoid ignorant crass individuals.

OP, you are asking readers & posters how to teach your daughter to lower herself to the level of showing disrespect toward others. Why ? This isn't who she is & you should be proud of her.

This is bullshit

As a half Asian woman who grew up hearing this sort of thing constantly, I would absolutely coach her on how to shut that shit down.

How old is your dd? I tell my kids to call people out on their bad behavior. Say things like:

“Wow, that’s really rude”
“Did you mean to sound racist?”
“You must not know much about __ culture if you think that”
“It doesn’t seem like you know much about other cultures”

Etc.

I’m pissed for you OP!