Reply to Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?

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[quote=Anonymous]TBH, I hate the trope of "she was never able to get over it".  We would never say of a victim of physical abuse who chose to leave "she couldn't get over it".

Infidelity is a serious form of intimate partner abuse. It encompasses multiple forms of emotional abuse - lying, gaslighting, manipulation, blaming and minimizing.  where the victim partner had bargained for monogamy and continues sex (knowingly or unknowingly), infidelity is also a kind of sexual abuse- a violation of sexual informed consent.

Many women experience Complex PTSD as a result of the betrayal trauma discovering infidelity and living through the confusing aftermath of gaslighting, minimizing, blaming and trickle truthing. What OP describes - nightmares, flashbacks, ruminations, intrusive thoughts, etc. are classic PTSD symptoms and OP should be seeing a psychiatrist and individual therapist for treatment and support.

Personally, no I couldn't "get over it". My ex begged to remain in a relationship with me but generally demonstrated little understanding of why he cheated or how he would not cheat in the future (beyond me being with him 24/7).  I wanted to be a wife not a warden. I wanted to live with an equal partner not a perpetrator of abuse.

If my daughter came to me with the story I lived through, I would advise her to get out ASAP, and I took the advice I would have given her for myself. I would never want to model that my kids stay with an abuser.

Abusive behavior doesn't simply disappear. I never spoke a word about what their dad did to me, but over the years, they sadly found out for themselves that he was a self-absorbed man, lacking in empathy, who was unable to prioritize others or be honest.  Thankfully, neither the kids nor I had to live with that any longer and we could build a safe, loving, trusting home ourselves. [/quote]

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