"You Make Me Feel Like I Can't Live in my Own House"

[Anonymous]

Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has this stuff. It's how you handle it.

My spouse leaves all the lights on. I do go around and turn lights off. Not obsessively. But I do it. And he and I will joke about it at times. I don't make a big deal out of it.

If I'm doing something that really bothers him or vice versa, he will ask me with all sincerity to stop and I will try to fix it. This usually works. You know why? There isn't a 17 point list and we have maintained good humor and love between the two of us and neither of us are neurotic freaks. So if he really asks or if I really ask, we do our best to fix it.

You have to have a bank of good will OP and pick your battles, as others have said.

Okay, so what if your spouse didn’t listen to you and didn’t do his best to fix those things that bothered you? Would you happily take up the slack and clean up after him, or just live with it, or would you continue to ask him to be a good roommate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to a Spouse that constantly uses the phrase above anytime you ask them to do simple courteous things like:

- turn off the lights when they leave a room —
- close the doors during the middle of summer
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied


And a gazillion other examples of generally being an extremely selfish housemate.

depends on how tight finances are, but this are weird to me:

turn off the lights when they leave a room —
- close the doors during the middle of summer
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher

Things that should be adjusted:
Wet towels —> only if the beddding gets wet, otherwise who cares
TP/floss -> yep
Trash —> try setting the trash bags right next to the can and see if a visual cue helps. One stuff is fine, bag break is not
Brita—> have spouse buy one that screws on to the sink. Takes the problem away.

Agree with this. This was a mishmash of stuff OP should have let go of long ago and actual rudeness.

Yes, find solutions as opposed to laying in wait for the next offense. OP sounds like a bit of a nag on some of this. The DH is just a slob and probably won't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has this stuff. It's how you handle it.

My spouse leaves all the lights on. I do go around and turn lights off. Not obsessively. But I do it. And he and I will joke about it at times. I don't make a big deal out of it.

If I'm doing something that really bothers him or vice versa, he will ask me with all sincerity to stop and I will try to fix it. This usually works. You know why? There isn't a 17 point list and we have maintained good humor and love between the two of us and neither of us are neurotic freaks. So if he really asks or if I really ask, we do our best to fix it.

You have to have a bank of good will OP and pick your battles, as others have said.

Okay, so what if your spouse didn’t listen to you and didn’t do his best to fix those things that bothered you? Would you happily take up the slack and clean up after him, or just live with it, or would you continue to ask him to be a good roommate?

NP. Ask yourself what good things your spouse is working on or doing that benefits you. Make a list. Would you have to pay someone else to do any of that if you were single? Is the extra charge on your electric bill more or less?

Is not turning out all the lights promptly a good enough reason for a divorce to you? Maybe use that as your first screening question when you’re dating again since it seems to have risen to such prime importance in your relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

Honestly, it sounds like you are wound up a little too tight.

Times have changed, led bulbs use so much less electricity it's not an issue. If you want to teach your kids to continue to conserve electricity to help stop waste, that's great. I still turn off lights for that reason.
It's not "rude" behavior not to turn out lights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

Honestly, it sounds like you are wound up a little too tight.

Times have changed, led bulbs use so much less electricity it's not an issue. If you want to teach your kids to continue to conserve electricity to help stop waste, that's great. I still turn off lights for that reason.
It's not "rude" behavior not to turn out lights.

+1, you're married to your spouse not raising them. Expecting them to be perfect is not a winning strategy and honestly this gives me th e image of you following your spouse around waiting for them to 'demonstrate bad behavior' so you can complain.

Honestly we expect too much perfection out of kids, and that is evident when you are a spouse and see how hard it is to hold anyone to such rigid standards of appropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has this stuff. It's how you handle it.

My spouse leaves all the lights on. I do go around and turn lights off. Not obsessively. But I do it. And he and I will joke about it at times. I don't make a big deal out of it.

If I'm doing something that really bothers him or vice versa, he will ask me with all sincerity to stop and I will try to fix it. This usually works. You know why? There isn't a 17 point list and we have maintained good humor and love between the two of us and neither of us are neurotic freaks. So if he really asks or if I really ask, we do our best to fix it.

You have to have a bank of good will OP and pick your battles, as others have said.

Okay, so what if your spouse didn’t listen to you and didn’t do his best to fix those things that bothered you? Would you happily take up the slack and clean up after him, or just live with it, or would you continue to ask him to be a good roommate?

I get how frustrated you are but imagine how frustrated your spouse is to have to listen to your nagging all the time. Did you consider that she is just as irritated at you as you are with her, but you’re the one who is trying to change her, not the other way around. What do you care if she leaves the water running while doing the dishes, it’s not hurting you. So what if the door is left open for a little while. Leave her alone and find something else to occupy your time and energy.


NP. Ask yourself what good things your spouse is working on or doing that benefits you. Make a list. Would you have to pay someone else to do any of that if you were single? Is the extra charge on your electric bill more or less?

Is not turning out all the lights promptly a good enough reason for a divorce to you? Maybe use that as your first screening question when you’re dating again since it seems to have risen to such prime importance in your relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Well, you make me feel like your mother, and I don't want to have sex with my son."

That said, I think some of the things in your list above are not worth nagging about, and perhaps you could benefit from an anti-anxiety medication.

Bahahaha!!! And op, those things would drive me nuts too.

[Anonymous]

my dh does many of these and for most i've adapted b/c endlessly nagging someone to do things (even entirely reasonable things!!!) is more damaging to a relationship

- - turn off the lights when they leave a room — ** I've switched us to renewable energy so i don't worry about environmental impact, looked up cost of leaving lightbulbs on (its very low) so stopped caring about money, installed switches that can be controlled by phone so i can turn off the 10000 left on lights at once when i leave the house or go to bed
- close the doors during the middle of summer - ** shut it myself if it's opened long mainly b/c the bugs coming in drives me nuts
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed. -** got my own distinct towels that he is not allowed to touch. throw his piles of wet towels on his pillow if they're left in my area. give zero thoughts to whether he has clean towels in the bathroom, provide no help if he doesn't and calls from shower
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
** turn off faucet if its aggregious
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks ** ties and take out of trashcan close to full trashbags. leave on kitchen floor for him to deal with
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied **get large TP holders for bathroom so its rare we fully run out.


for similar things (eg not putting away his clean clothes) i just do whatever work is needed for it to not bug me (shove the whole wad of clothes in one of his drawers, no folding or organization)

[Anonymous]

How would you respond if your wife did all this? Mine does, but I still love her...

- makeup, brushes consume entire bathroom sink counter
- takes too long to get ready
- uses up all storage space with different gigantic shampoo and conditioner bottles for different days of week.
- long hair stuck to shower wall, my clothes, inside my boxers, everywhere imaginable
- attempts to show me cute puppy videos when you have ear phones on and busy listening to music
- texts me when already in grocery store line to get additional items - adds sad face emoji for sympathy
- empties purse on coffee table to find something, but can't because of papers, hair clippies, dozens of store receipts dating back a decade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that OP thinks when she/he got married that means he/she became a parent to their spouse!
A couple of these are nasty and should be corrected, but lights, faucet, the door open for a bit?
About those issues maybe you ought to look at some habits that you do that are irritating your spouse, op?
You are not a parent to your spouse. If you don't like it, you can divorce.
But, like the other pp, I would also tell you to shut the eff up.

Yep. It' sounds like they are their spouse's daddy or mama. Most of what they list is not important. Only the wet towels on the floor or floss in the shower is super rude / weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

???? How TF is it "bad manners" to leave your lights on in your bedroom?

[Anonymous]

We now have:
Motion activated led lights
Water savers on the faucets
A large supply of tp under the sink
And an under the counter water filter.

A lot of these things aren't hard people. Stop trying to find fault and make like easier for everyone.

[Anonymous]

And I don't get this "bad manners" stuff either. It's something from another era.