"You Make Me Feel Like I Can't Live in my Own House"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my dh does many of these and for most i've adapted b/c endlessly nagging someone to do things (even entirely reasonable things!!!) is more damaging to a relationship

- - turn off the lights when they leave a room — ** I've switched us to renewable energy so i don't worry about environmental impact, looked up cost of leaving lightbulbs on (its very low) so stopped caring about money, installed switches that can be controlled by phone so i can turn off the 10000 left on lights at once when i leave the house or go to bed
- close the doors during the middle of summer - ** shut it myself if it's opened long mainly b/c the bugs coming in drives me nuts
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed. -** got my own distinct towels that he is not allowed to touch. throw his piles of wet towels on his pillow if they're left in my area. give zero thoughts to whether he has clean towels in the bathroom, provide no help if he doesn't and calls from shower
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
** turn off faucet if its aggregious
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks ** ties and take out of trashcan close to full trashbags. leave on kitchen floor for him to deal with
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied **get large TP holders for bathroom so its rare we fully run out.


for similar things (eg not putting away his clean clothes) i just do whatever work is needed for it to not bug me (shove the whole wad of clothes in one of his drawers, no folding or organization)

Behold: capitulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

???? How TF is it "bad manners" to leave your lights on in your bedroom?

Because it's wasteful if you're gone for an extended period, and it only takes a second for you to turn it off. No one cares if you leave your lights on during dinner, but if you leave it on while you're at work or school then you're being wasteful. https://www.energy.gov/energysaver/save-electricity-and-fuel/lighting-choices-save-you-money/when-turn-your-lights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

???? How TF is it "bad manners" to leave your lights on in your bedroom?

Because it's wasteful if you're gone for an extended period, and it only takes a second for you to turn it off. No one cares if you leave your lights on during dinner, but if you leave it on while you're at work or school then you're being wasteful. https://www.energy.gov/energysaver/save-electricity-and-fuel/lighting-choices-save-you-money/when-turn-your-lights

So nothing to do with manners. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We now have:
Motion activated led lights
Water savers on the faucets
A large supply of tp under the sink
And an under the counter water filter.

A lot of these things aren't hard people. Stop trying to find fault and make like easier for everyone.

"Don't worry honey, I've bought a lot of things to make sure you can glide through life without having to consider how your habits affect other people"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

???? How TF is it "bad manners" to leave your lights on in your bedroom?

Because it's wasteful if you're gone for an extended period, and it only takes a second for you to turn it off. No one cares if you leave your lights on during dinner, but if you leave it on while you're at work or school then you're being wasteful. https://www.energy.gov/energysaver/save-electricity-and-fuel/lighting-choices-save-you-money/when-turn-your-lights

So nothing to do with manners. Got it.

For someone so easygoing about lights, you sure are splitting hairs on the definition of manners. I'd say being wasteful is bad manners. You would prefer calling it a value or something? Sure, whatever, same point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We now have:
Motion activated led lights
Water savers on the faucets
A large supply of tp under the sink
And an under the counter water filter.

A lot of these things aren't hard people. Stop trying to find fault and make like easier for everyone.

"Don't worry honey, I've bought a lot of things to make sure you can glide through life without having to consider how your habits affect other people"

Exactly.

Incompetent or selfish or lazy or All or the Above. Blech.

[Anonymous]

This post made me think of my parents. My mom (who I love) would constantly nitpick at my dad for things similar to your list. It made being around them miserable. When I found myself doing the same thing to my DH, I decided that I needed to stop to preserve my own sanity and not make my DH feel henpecked. I highly recommend doing this for your own peace (except for the dental floss thing - that’s gross).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We now have:
Motion activated led lights
Water savers on the faucets
A large supply of tp under the sink
And an under the counter water filter.

A lot of these things aren't hard people. Stop trying to find fault and make like easier for everyone.

"Don't worry honey, I've bought a lot of things to make sure you can glide through life without having to consider how your habits affect other people"

Exactly.

Incompetent or selfish or lazy or All or the Above. Blech.

Incompetent, selfish, lazy OR...
extremely smart that I am automating as many potential problem solutions as possible, because I live in 2021, not 1921.

I grew up like this, miserable in my own house, by older nitpicky parents, who did grow up poor. So, rather than nitpicking and criticizing and growing more bitter all damn day long, like my dad did, I am solving the issue and moving on.

Turning off the water or lights is not a rudeness problem, it's a lack of understanding or caring, about waste or the environment, typical of UMC or rich people.

[Anonymous]

If op were female, we’d say op’s spouse showed tons of disrespect. Let’s be honest here.

[Anonymous]

I guess I've been married for a long time because everything on the OPs list seem trivial as well as familiar in my house where everyone but me (the husband) has ADHD.

I've learned that they love me and want our house to be a comfortable home for all. We have a lot of lists posted around the house, we help each other remember to take our prescriptions and we try to demonstrate love and respect.

It can be annoying some days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my dh does many of these and for most i've adapted b/c endlessly nagging someone to do things (even entirely reasonable things!!!) is more damaging to a relationship

- - turn off the lights when they leave a room — ** I've switched us to renewable energy so i don't worry about environmental impact, looked up cost of leaving lightbulbs on (its very low) so stopped caring about money, installed switches that can be controlled by phone so i can turn off the 10000 left on lights at once when i leave the house or go to bed
- close the doors during the middle of summer - ** shut it myself if it's opened long mainly b/c the bugs coming in drives me nuts
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed. -** got my own distinct towels that he is not allowed to touch. throw his piles of wet towels on his pillow if they're left in my area. give zero thoughts to whether he has clean towels in the bathroom, provide no help if he doesn't and calls from shower
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
** turn off faucet if its aggregious
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks ** ties and take out of trashcan close to full trashbags. leave on kitchen floor for him to deal with
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied **get large TP holders for bathroom so its rare we fully run out.


for similar things (eg not putting away his clean clothes) i just do whatever work is needed for it to not bug me (shove the whole wad of clothes in one of his drawers, no folding or organization)

Behold: capitulation.

All of this takes a max of 2min a day - so I can put in an extra 2 minutes a day or I can have an awful dynamic of constant resentment on both ends with my dh. We could probably also invest a lot of time and money in therapy. Or I can spend the 2min a day to make it not annoying to me and have a happy marriage and minimized wasteful impact on the earth. But you do you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just re: the lights.... this is a quirk people may have inherited from their parents but is totally irrelevant now. LED bulbs use so little electricity that they last for something like 20 years. Our many electronics use a ton of power, but lights just don’t.

How does that translate to teaching manners to kids? Are we now as a society deciding that kids no longer need to care about leaving lights on when they leave a room for an extended period? Just leave their bedroom lights on while they're in school? It's a legitimate question for a married couple. If the answer is no, we want to teach children to remember to turn off lights, then each spouse has an obligation to demonstrate that behavior.

???? How TF is it "bad manners" to leave your lights on in your bedroom?

Can someone please inform De Blasio that it's totally okay to leave everything on?
https://nypost.com/2021/06/30/bill-de-blasio-asks-nyc-to-conserve-energy-amid-heat-wave/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my dh does many of these and for most i've adapted b/c endlessly nagging someone to do things (even entirely reasonable things!!!) is more damaging to a relationship

- - turn off the lights when they leave a room — ** I've switched us to renewable energy so i don't worry about environmental impact, looked up cost of leaving lightbulbs on (its very low) so stopped caring about money, installed switches that can be controlled by phone so i can turn off the 10000 left on lights at once when i leave the house or go to bed
- close the doors during the middle of summer - ** shut it myself if it's opened long mainly b/c the bugs coming in drives me nuts
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed. -** got my own distinct towels that he is not allowed to touch. throw his piles of wet towels on his pillow if they're left in my area. give zero thoughts to whether he has clean towels in the bathroom, provide no help if he doesn't and calls from shower
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
** turn off faucet if its aggregious
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks ** ties and take out of trashcan close to full trashbags. leave on kitchen floor for him to deal with
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied **get large TP holders for bathroom so its rare we fully run out.


for similar things (eg not putting away his clean clothes) i just do whatever work is needed for it to not bug me (shove the whole wad of clothes in one of his drawers, no folding or organization)

Behold: capitulation.

All of this takes a max of 2min a day - so I can put in an extra 2 minutes a day or I can have an awful dynamic of constant resentment on both ends with my dh. We could probably also invest a lot of time and money in therapy. Or I can spend the 2min a day to make it not annoying to me and have a happy marriage and minimized wasteful impact on the earth. But you do you

Two minutes a day is a lie. I know how long these chores take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to a Spouse that constantly uses the phrase above anytime you ask them to do simple courteous things like:

- turn off the lights when they leave a room
- close the doors during the middle of summer
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied


And a gazillion other examples of generally being an extremely selfish housemate.

Tell them to GROW UP. Over and over again. If they refuse to grow up, then live separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We now have:
Motion activated led lights
Water savers on the faucets
A large supply of tp under the sink
And an under the counter water filter.

A lot of these things aren't hard people. Stop trying to find fault and make like easier for everyone.

"Don't worry honey, I've bought a lot of things to make sure you can glide through life without having to consider how your habits affect other people"

Exactly.

Incompetent or selfish or lazy or All or the Above. Blech.

Incompetent, selfish, lazy OR...
extremely smart that I am automating as many potential problem solutions as possible, because I live in 2021, not 1921.

I grew up like this, miserable in my own house, by older nitpicky parents, who did grow up poor. So, rather than nitpicking and criticizing and growing more bitter all damn day long, like my dad did, I am solving the issue and moving on.

Turning off the water or lights is not a rudeness problem, it's a lack of understanding or caring, about waste or the environment, typical of UMC or rich people.

hahaha. you think you can throw money at all your bad habits and they won't exist or bleed everywhere else. hahaha.