Why would a dad not get 50/50 custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his ex spent nearly two years going through a divorce. He wanted to move on so eventually gave in to a 60-40 split but that was the arguing point for a very, very long time. But I can see where that would be more disruptive to their child who already gets shuttled around a lot. I think what really bothers him is he didn’t think to ask for right of first refusal - so she’ll hire a sitter or have a friend watch their kid if she’s out on one of her nights and my brother would love to have their child more often. I think my ex SIL deeply loves their child and wants as much time as she can get, but my brother thinks a lot of it is about the money.

It’s a pretty typical was for non-custodial parents to demonize the custodial parent, and it’s so destructive.

In some cases it is about money. In others it is not. Child support is partly based off nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom wants the cash 🤣🤣🤣

Child support doesn’t even come close to supporting my kids’ lifestyles. It literally pays for two bills, maybe? A clever high earning ex will cook the books so his income is hidden and I learned long ago that it wasn’t worth fighting.

+1. It’s so funny when people assume women want more custody to get more child support. The extra money rarely fully offsets the increased cost of having the kids more days.

Yep, those chicken nuggets are expensive!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Equal time is not good for the kid. Do 50/50, but in reality, stop making the kids go back and fourth all the time. Nobody care who cheated or who beat whom.
I share custody with ex-DH. He was required to pay some minimum of $400 a month ($300 of which I promised to put into 529) and health insurance. Has never paid health insurance and is ca 3 years behind on this $400 a month.
Heck with it all. I'm happy the child can come and go when he wants the last 5 years or so, and has actually chosen to live with my sister and BIL. 50/50 was necessary to make DH, myself and court happy.
Once you have the 50/50, all should chill out.

why would your ex pay you child support if your child is living with an Aunt and Uncle? Wouldn’t you both pay them child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Equal time is not good for the kid. Do 50/50, but in reality, stop making the kids go back and fourth all the time. Nobody care who cheated or who beat whom.
I share custody with ex-DH. He was required to pay some minimum of $400 a month ($300 of which I promised to put into 529) and health insurance. Has never paid health insurance and is ca 3 years behind on this $400 a month.
Heck with it all. I'm happy the child can come and go when he wants the last 5 years or so, and has actually chosen to live with my sister and BIL. 50/50 was necessary to make DH, myself and court happy.
Once you have the 50/50, all should chill out.

why would your ex pay you child support if your child is living with an Aunt and Uncle? Wouldn’t you both pay them child support?

+1, It makes no sense. Why take custody when you don't actually want or have the child in your care?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleeping arrangements has much to do with being the primary parent. "Primary parent" means the parent that does most of the childcare. Since the mom works at the school and the dad doesn't get home until 6, I imagine she is indeed the primary parent.

Oh, and when there are custody disputes, judges try to disturb the kids' lives as little as possible. If they were to live with the dad they would be without one of their parents until 6PM every night. That could be why.

But sometimes judges are kind of old school and think moms are better caretakers. Only every other weekend seems like not a lot of dad time to me. It's hard to say based on the facts here.

Somebody mentioned an AP. Family courts don't always count affairs against a parent in terms of custody. You can be a bad spouse but a good parent.

Many families with two working parents don't see their kids until 6 PM during the week. Our aftercare is open until 6:30. Pre-covid, I would usually pick up between 6 and 6:15 and there were plenty of kids still there.

I find it hard to believe that would be held against a parent.

It’s not being held against him as a judgment of his parenting. It would just be a factor in how much it would disrupt the kids lives if they were to live with their dad.

What I am saying is that I don't think that constitutes a "disruption" to their lives, at least not to warrant a deviation from 50-50 custody.

Do you have kids and know what their daily routines are actually like? 50/50 physical is really disruptive unless the parents do the nest thing.

No, it is not. Kids adapt. If you think it is bad you be the ncp.

My childhood friend was going back and forth between his parents home. After a while he flat out refused to pack his bag to go to the next house. His parents asked him to choose who he wanted to live with but he told them, at 10 years old, he’s not going to and they need to make a better plan. They did and he wound up staying with his mother more. He was happier.

One example. That is not ok. A 10 year old does not get it. If you advocate child goes with one parent, then that parent should fully provide and terminate the other parents rights as they are no longer a parent but in name only. In this parents choose and mom won as usual.

What a bizarre response.

Very bizarre. My friend was going back and forth for 2 years. He hated that he had to pack his bag every week so that his parents actually got 50/50 time. The agreement was more about them than his happiness. But in the end, he spent time with both parents just stayed at mom's house at night more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does dad have an AP?

This wouldn’t be relevant to a judge but might explain mom’s attitude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad cheated but there is no AP in the picture. Mom ran up credit cards bills pretty heavily unknown to dad. So neither are wearing the white hat. Dad absolutely wants equal time. There is nothing 'horrific'.

Will he take that extra time during the week, with all of the work and responsibilities that come with it?

What a stupid question. You wouldn’t ask this about a mother. Stop being so misandrist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad cheated but there is no AP in the picture. Mom ran up credit cards bills pretty heavily unknown to dad. So neither are wearing the white hat. Dad absolutely wants equal time. There is nothing 'horrific'.

Will he take that extra time during the week, with all of the work and responsibilities that come with it?

What a stupid question. You wouldn’t ask this about a mother. Stop being so misandrist.

It’s actually a very thoughtful question. My ex has no overnights during the week bc he cannot (will not) take any responsibility for picking kids up from school, helping with homework, driving to activities and cannot get them to school in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some adults just suck.

I don’t care how much you hate your ex, your kids’ relationship with their parents shouldn’t be negatively impacted. Grown-ups should minimize the impact of divorce on their kids. That means: kids don’t have two bedrooms; kids stay in the family home, and parents move around. The grown-ups agree they will always be a family. That means the kids have both parents at milestone events.

Can you imagine only seeing your kids twice a month? Imagine being a kid who only sees their dad twice a month. That’s just awful. That mom super sucks. I don’t care if he cheated; that’s a “mom” problem, not a kid problem.

On the flip side, one could say the at dad “super sucks” if he won’t change jobs to something that will allow him to be home with his kids more.

That aside, what you described with a family home and the parents moving around never works for more than a brief period. Demanding that as a long-term solution is delusional.

It’s the best approach to foster stability during the transition. Neighbors did it for 3 years. Now that the kids are older—and the parents are more financially stable—they have a permanent solution: mom kept the house, dad has a new place in the same zip code, and the kids primarily sleep at mom’s unless there is a special situation.

I know another family that did the same thing until dad purchased a home in the same school district. Once dad had a permanent home nearby and the kids were older, sleepovers were optional.

In both scenarios, the parents put the kids first. Cheating was involved. Nonetheless, the parents work hard to maintain family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad cheated but there is no AP in the picture. Mom ran up credit cards bills pretty heavily unknown to dad. So neither are wearing the white hat. Dad absolutely wants equal time. There is nothing 'horrific'.

Will he take that extra time during the week, with all of the work and responsibilities that come with it?

What a stupid question. You wouldn’t ask this about a mother. Stop being so misandrist.

It’s actually a very thoughtful question. My ex has no overnights during the week bc he cannot (will not) take any responsibility for picking kids up from school, helping with homework, driving to activities and cannot get them to school in the morning.

He is asking for 50/50 because he wants to do exactly that. Many many many men want to be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his ex spent nearly two years going through a divorce. He wanted to move on so eventually gave in to a 60-40 split but that was the arguing point for a very, very long time. But I can see where that would be more disruptive to their child who already gets shuttled around a lot. I think what really bothers him is he didn’t think to ask for right of first refusal - so she’ll hire a sitter or have a friend watch their kid if she’s out on one of her nights and my brother would love to have their child more often. I think my ex SIL deeply loves their child and wants as much time as she can get, but my brother thinks a lot of it is about the money.

It’s a pretty typical was for non-custodial parents to demonize the custodial parent, and it’s so destructive.

Statistically, 90-95 percent of child alienation campaigns are carried out by the custodial parent, who is usually the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some adults just suck.

I don’t care how much you hate your ex, your kids’ relationship with their parents shouldn’t be negatively impacted. Grown-ups should minimize the impact of divorce on their kids. That means: kids don’t have two bedrooms; kids stay in the family home, and parents move around. The grown-ups agree they will always be a family. That means the kids have both parents at milestone events.

Can you imagine only seeing your kids twice a month? Imagine being a kid who only sees their dad twice a month. That’s just awful. That mom super sucks. I don’t care if he cheated; that’s a “mom” problem, not a kid problem.

This isn't true when the kids are as old as they are n this scenario they likely know dad cheated, and it's the reason their family broke up and are probably pretty pissed about it, they might not want to spend time with dad and his new girlfriend. The youngest is 10 here the other 2 are teens, Who know what has gone in that household, the kids might not want to spend time with dad, and it could have nothing to do with mom. We aren't dealing with toddlers and preschoolers here.

As for the rest, parents should be civil, and co-parent together, they should be able to attend events for the child together. The other stuff may sound nice, but in reality, just doesn't work long-term it's better for kids to accept life has changed from the start, but mom and dad will still be there for them.

My wife cheated, I didn't, but I took the high road and didn't tell the young children their mother was a whore. Meanwhile, she told the kids I had cheated and fought to give me no custody. I eventually won the custody battle.

I have had to be celibate now for 5 years, to show the kids there is no woman in my life. They still don't know the truth about their mother's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Important factors in child custody:

1. State
2. County
3. Judge
4. The quality of your lawyer
5. Luck

I would also suggest to OP that if the kids choose the mom over the dad, the dad should walk away and forget he ever had children. It's disowning and disinheriting time.

Omg. Who hurt you?

When I chose my mom over my dad it was because my mom didn’t make me do as many chores (my mom was a flake with making us do chores) and there was a boy I liked on the street. I’m sure my dad has more brains than you and we still have a good relationship.

In my family I saw what happened to a very good man who was unfortunate enough to marry a horrible woman, and find himself alienated from his children. 25 years later there continue to be bad consequences for the family. If you want your son to grow up to be a homeless drug addict, definitely alienate your son from his dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. He doesn't want it

or

2. He did something horrific

This.

- someone who offered 50-50 and XH did not take it. Out of 365 days in a year, my phone records show calls/FaceTime to his child in 2020 to be less than 20.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleeping arrangements has much to do with being the primary parent. "Primary parent" means the parent that does most of the childcare. Since the mom works at the school and the dad doesn't get home until 6, I imagine she is indeed the primary parent.

Oh, and when there are custody disputes, judges try to disturb the kids' lives as little as possible. If they were to live with the dad they would be without one of their parents until 6PM every night. That could be why.

But sometimes judges are kind of old school and think moms are better caretakers. Only every other weekend seems like not a lot of dad time to me. It's hard to say based on the facts here.

Somebody mentioned an AP. Family courts don't always count affairs against a parent in terms of custody. You can be a bad spouse but a good parent.

Many families with two working parents don't see their kids until 6 PM during the week. Our aftercare is open until 6:30. Pre-covid, I would usually pick up between 6 and 6:15 and there were plenty of kids still there.

I find it hard to believe that would be held against a parent.

It’s not being held against him as a judgment of his parenting. It would just be a factor in how much it would disrupt the kids lives if they were to live with their dad.

What I am saying is that I don't think that constitutes a "disruption" to their lives, at least not to warrant a deviation from 50-50 custody.

Do you have kids and know what their daily routines are actually like? 50/50 physical is really disruptive unless the parents do the nest thing.

No, it is not. Kids adapt. If you think it is bad you be the ncp.

My childhood friend was going back and forth between his parents home. After a while he flat out refused to pack his bag to go to the next house. His parents asked him to choose who he wanted to live with but he told them, at 10 years old, he’s not going to and they need to make a better plan. They did and he wound up staying with his mother more. He was happier.

One example. That is not ok. A 10 year old does not get it. If you advocate child goes with one parent, then that parent should fully provide and terminate the other parents rights as they are no longer a parent but in name only. In this parents choose and mom won as usual.

What a bizarre response.

Very bizarre. My friend was going back and forth for 2 years. He hated that he had to pack his bag every week so that his parents actually got 50/50 time. The agreement was more about them than his happiness. But in the end, he spent time with both parents just stayed at mom's house at night more.

I don't know about short-term happiness but the long-term research indicates children have better outcomes (more educational attainment, less crime, less drug and alcohol abuse, less mental problems, higher incomes as adults) when they spend lots of time with both parents, and children have poor outcomes when they spent all of their time with their mothers. In fact, if one had to choose one parent for a child based on long-term outcomes, children would always live with their father.