Reply to Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I do believe there is a distinction between people who cheat once and those who are serial cheaters.

If a person cheats, realizes it is something THEY cannot live with--it goes against their morals, they feel true remorse about the pain they have caused others and they invest a lot of time and effort into seeking treatment then they have a chance of not repeating the behavior.

The ones who astound me are the ones who cheat, fall all over themselves apologizing, crying, acting as if they can't go on living.... only to do it all again once things have gone back to "normal."  I've known one serial cheater (friend and co-worker) in my life and he is in his late 50's, still unmarried and still at it.

Only the cheater truly knows how they feel inside and how much effort they are willing to put into recovery.

Only the person who was cheated on knows if they can ever truly move forward and live with the cheater.[/quote]

The problem is, how do you make that distinction? Many people, particularly narcissists, are very good actors.[/quote]

I don't know many that would stick with individual therapy for years on end if they were a true narcissist.  In fact, a trademark of a narcissist is that they will never think they need or go to therapy usually.  If you have a man or woman that commits to weekly individual therapy indefinitely, you can pretty much guarantee they aren't a narcissist.  Also, anyone that does not want to give up a lifestyle will make a half-hearted attempt and you will see all of the signs that no change was made.

I do think there needs to be rock bottom so I do agree with the pps that said the cheater really has to believe they are being dumped---and some hard lines need to be implemented.

Nobody is going to write away their rights in a post-nuptial agreement if they plan to cheat again.  And, if they do---hey you get the big pay out.  [/quote]

A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy?  Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked?  Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes?  Are you regularly talking about it?  Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely.  They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing.  That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'.  [/quote]

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