As a parent, I feel strongly about...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

I was poorly trying to set up a dichotomy between the PP wanting to maximize their children’s privileges and my belief that the only thing I want to give my children in abundance is love. I didn’t mean that I want my children to believe they are the most deserving of love, just that when we are launching them into the world they feel that it’s with the security of our deep, unconditional love instead of the advantages of the most educated nannies or living in the best neighborhood or attending the most elite schools etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

I was poorly trying to set up a dichotomy between the PP wanting to maximize their children’s privileges and my belief that the only thing I want to give my children in abundance is love. I didn’t mean that I want my children to believe they are the most deserving of love, just that when we are launching them into the world they feel that it’s with the security of our deep, unconditional love instead of the advantages of the most educated nannies or living in the best neighborhood or attending the most elite schools etc.

Thanks for explaining. Can I ask if you spend your resources on giving other children privileges that your kids have? I’m assuming, for example, that you buy your kids shoes that fit when they need them and put food on the table when they’re hungry. Those are obviously privileges that many other children don’t have. So do you buy clothes and food for children in need? Are you planning to have your children take out loans to pay for college if they can’t get scholarships or other kinds of aid? Also, what’s your HHI? I’m fascinated by the concept you are stating is your bedrock and I’m curious how it actually plays out.

[Anonymous]

Education and mindfulness.

[Anonymous]

Instilling compassion, curiosity, and self-reliance. Modeling/making healthy choices - getting outdoors and being active every day, eating healthy foods first, books or creative play over screen time.
Life skills - politeness, cooking and cleaning, swimming, what to do in an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

I was poorly trying to set up a dichotomy between the PP wanting to maximize their children’s privileges and my belief that the only thing I want to give my children in abundance is love. I didn’t mean that I want my children to believe they are the most deserving of love, just that when we are launching them into the world they feel that it’s with the security of our deep, unconditional love instead of the advantages of the most educated nannies or living in the best neighborhood or attending the most elite schools etc.

There is no “instead of”, PP. You can fill your child with a deep sense of security of your deep unconditional love while providing them with educated nannies, a safe neighborhood and top schools.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read every post, but gratitude is something I’m working hard to instill in my kids. Appreciating what they have, being grateful for small things, and seeing the world as an optimist would. I’ve been completely won over by the he studies on gratitude as a driver of happiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

I was poorly trying to set up a dichotomy between the PP wanting to maximize their children’s privileges and my belief that the only thing I want to give my children in abundance is love. I didn’t mean that I want my children to believe they are the most deserving of love, just that when we are launching them into the world they feel that it’s with the security of our deep, unconditional love instead of the advantages of the most educated nannies or living in the best neighborhood or attending the most elite schools etc.

There is no “instead of”, PP. You can fill your child with a deep sense of security of your deep unconditional love while providing them with educated nannies, a safe neighborhood and top schools.

DP, yes, you can. That would still lead to entitled kids. The world has plenty of entitled kids. Some of us want to see more grateful kids who try to make the world a better place for others as well as themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

I was poorly trying to set up a dichotomy between the PP wanting to maximize their children’s privileges and my belief that the only thing I want to give my children in abundance is love. I didn’t mean that I want my children to believe they are the most deserving of love, just that when we are launching them into the world they feel that it’s with the security of our deep, unconditional love instead of the advantages of the most educated nannies or living in the best neighborhood or attending the most elite schools etc.

There is no “instead of”, PP. You can fill your child with a deep sense of security of your deep unconditional love while providing them with educated nannies, a safe neighborhood and top schools.

Um, for me there is an “instead of.” I’m the PP that posted that I think the goal of giving your child the best possible start with the most advantages you can provide is disgusting as a VALUE. I’m not saying I’ve never indulged my children in things they genuinely have an interest in or that we reject material goods—but I firmly believe my white kids born to solidly middle class parents have more than enough privileges and because of that we will never seek out opportunities to do things for them for the sole purpose of increasing the likelihood that they are more successful than their peers. When we sacrifice it is to give them more of our time and attention and a happy home (also privileges but ones that I find redemptive value in), but we don’t use our money to push them into toddler Mandarin lessons, summer cello intensives or $3,000 courses that promise top SAT scores so that they gain access to more “elite” schools or socioeconomic circles. We will continue to send them to public schools and I think there is value in having to pay for at least some of your college education. If it’s not free for everyone then my kids won’t get to experience it as “free” either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

I was poorly trying to set up a dichotomy between the PP wanting to maximize their children’s privileges and my belief that the only thing I want to give my children in abundance is love. I didn’t mean that I want my children to believe they are the most deserving of love, just that when we are launching them into the world they feel that it’s with the security of our deep, unconditional love instead of the advantages of the most educated nannies or living in the best neighborhood or attending the most elite schools etc.

There is no “instead of”, PP. You can fill your child with a deep sense of security of your deep unconditional love while providing them with educated nannies, a safe neighborhood and top schools.

DP, yes, you can. That would still lead to entitled kids. The world has plenty of entitled kids. Some of us want to see more grateful kids who try to make the world a better place for others as well as themselves.

DP. "Educated nannies, a safe neighborhood and top schools" don't necessarily make kids entitled or ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Agree with one of the original posters about empathy and knowing the rules apply to us. We are not special snowflakes who get to do whatever we want.

However I also want my kids to know that I love them for who they are. I don’t want to push expectations on them that they have to fill a certain career role, gender norm, or whatever. I’m genuinely excited to see who they become and will encourage them to explore a variety of interests.

Also, I know when they are older I want to make sure to know who their friend group is and hopefully know the other parents. I’d like to be a house where people are welcome to come over. It annoyed the crap out of me as a teenager that my parents were all up in my business regarding who I was hanging out with, but in retrospect it was so important.

My kids are 3 and 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

[Anonymous]

Thinking about this a lot and I think one of the values I most want to instill in my child is open-mindedness.

Reading many of the other posts, I agree with many of the values stated (education, anti-racism, kindness, generosity, etc.). I think my parents worked to to instill all those things in me and I am glad for it. But one thing my parents struggled with (and still struggle with) is that they are often vocally judgmental about other people. Sometimes I think it comes from a place of having different values, but it's also obvious to me now that it was at least partly driven by jealousy and insecurity. For instance, my father is automatically skeptical of people who are academic, well-traveled, and live in cities. It's very clearly an insecurity because, while he is very well educated and made a lot with his life, he grew up rural and poor and I think he encountered people in his life who looked down on him for that.

It made it confusing when I was growing up because my parents value education, but my dad would sneer at someone with a PhD, for instance. I didn't understand why.

Now that I do, I am working to counteract that kind of thing in my own life so I can model better behavior. I think a lot of people do this without thinking -- I hear people drawing really judgmental conclusions about others based on nothing more than where they are from, their accent, their job, or where their kids go to school. I want my kid to learn to stay open to people without making snap judgments based on little pieces of information like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

DP, but the bolded suggests you're not separating feelings from thoughts. No feeling is false, as feelings are truly defined (anger, sadness, happiness, etc.). Those are different than the thoughts around those feelings, let alone the ability to apply logic. I completely agree that many people's ability to think logically has been hijacked by negative affect (which is a thing), and that there are people who think that their feelings of anger, frustration, etc., justify certain actions on their part. They don't. But, if we don't listen to people's actual feelings and empathize with them *while also separating those feelings from thoughts and actions* we won't get anywhere. If anything, it's our refusal to acknowledge negative feelings and dismiss them that have led to many of the problems we see today. Feelings are not thoughts are not behaviors. We can honor feelings without validating hurtful behaviors and illogical thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

DP, but the bolded suggests you're not separating feelings from thoughts. No feeling is false, as feelings are truly defined (anger, sadness, happiness, etc.). Those are different than the thoughts around those feelings, let alone the ability to apply logic. I completely agree that many people's ability to think logically has been hijacked by negative affect (which is a thing), and that there are people who think that their feelings of anger, frustration, etc., justify certain actions on their part. They don't. But, if we don't listen to people's actual feelings and empathize with them *while also separating those feelings from thoughts and actions* we won't get anywhere. If anything, it's our refusal to acknowledge negative feelings and dismiss them that have led to many of the problems we see today. Feelings are not thoughts are not behaviors. We can honor feelings without validating hurtful behaviors and illogical thoughts.

I disagree, what we see today are the results of elevating feelings above reason for years, the apex of which is 2020. Children do not benefit from parents who cannot exercise restraint over their emotions, and acknowledge that some feelings are actually “bad“, i.e. not appropriate to the situation, not helpful and often actively harmful. Learning to take less seriously every whim that occasions the mind would be far more productive to spending years on the therapist‘s couch, wondering aloud how our parents failed is in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

DP, but the bolded suggests you're not separating feelings from thoughts. No feeling is false, as feelings are truly defined (anger, sadness, happiness, etc.). Those are different than the thoughts around those feelings, let alone the ability to apply logic. I completely agree that many people's ability to think logically has been hijacked by negative affect (which is a thing), and that there are people who think that their feelings of anger, frustration, etc., justify certain actions on their part. They don't. But, if we don't listen to people's actual feelings and empathize with them *while also separating those feelings from thoughts and actions* we won't get anywhere. If anything, it's our refusal to acknowledge negative feelings and dismiss them that have led to many of the problems we see today. Feelings are not thoughts are not behaviors. We can honor feelings without validating hurtful behaviors and illogical thoughts.

I disagree, what we see today are the results of elevating feelings above reason for years, the apex of which is 2020. Children do not benefit from parents who cannot exercise restraint over their emotions, and acknowledge that some feelings are actually “bad“, i.e. not appropriate to the situation, not helpful and often actively harmful. Learning to take less seriously every whim that occasions the mind would be far more productive to spending years on the therapist‘s couch, wondering aloud how our parents failed is in elementary school.

Again, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are separate, if related, constructs. No feeling is inherently bad. Using feelings to justify inappropriate behaviors (to put it mildly) is not acceptable, but that's not the same as calling the feeling itself bad. I'll die on that hill, if I have to.

Also: you cannot, cannot tell people that their feelings are "wrong" or "bad" and hope to convince them of anything. How do you think therapy is effective? By therapists arguing and disputing their patients' feelings? No. It's by listening and empathy, first. That doesn't mean we as a society have to tolerate unacceptable behaviors, but we should do a hell of a lot more listening than we actually do.