As a parent, I feel strongly about...

[Anonymous]

My kid being confident - I want someone with no weird fears, someone that can speak to thousands, someone that is bold, someone that can talk to anyone, someone that is not afraid to ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

What? Can you give a real life example of an instance when you’ve told your child that their feelings were false so we can understand what the heck you’re getting at? I’m all about logic but it seems to be missing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

What? Can you give a real life example of an instance when you’ve told your child that their feelings were false so we can understand what the heck you’re getting at? I’m all about logic but it seems to be missing here.

E.g.: we have a step in the house for time-outs (we don’t spank or send our kids to their room). When they tantrum or scream, they go to the step. There is a self-control button the eldest designed and taped next to the step. The kids’ job is to sit and master the emotion they are feeling until they are able to direct it themselves, until their emotion is subordinate to their will. Children instinctively understand what it’s like to be consumed by an emotion and the practice of being able to master their feelings and not be driven by them is freeing. I don’t ask my kids to sit with an emotion or to fix it, I teach them not to respond to it until they are in charge. My preschooler calls it “being the boss“ of his anger.

[Anonymous]

I feel strongly about being patient and kind with my kid. It sounds obvious but I so often see people just be total assholes to their kids, whether it be because the parent just doesn't have the ability to deal with kids being kids or because enforcing arbitrary rules is some kind of weird power trip. I'm not saying I'm never frustrated or anything, or that I don't impose boundaries, but I just can't stand it when parents are straight up mean to their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid being confident - I want someone with no weird fears, someone that can speak to thousands, someone that is bold, someone that can talk to anyone, someone that is not afraid to ask questions.

You know this is not related to the other things, correct? I have a terrible fear of spiders but I am an excellent public speaker, I am very bold, I can talk to anyone, and I am never afraid to raise my hand or ask questions. And yet, I'm afraid that spiders will crawl into my ears and lay eggs in my brain while I sleep. Weird fears have nothing to do with being confident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

What? Can you give a real life example of an instance when you’ve told your child that their feelings were false so we can understand what the heck you’re getting at? I’m all about logic but it seems to be missing here.

E.g.: we have a step in the house for time-outs (we don’t spank or send our kids to their room). When they tantrum or scream, they go to the step. There is a self-control button the eldest designed and taped next to the step. The kids’ job is to sit and master the emotion they are feeling until they are able to direct it themselves, until their emotion is subordinate to their will. Children instinctively understand what it’s like to be consumed by an emotion and the practice of being able to master their feelings and not be driven by them is freeing. I don’t ask my kids to sit with an emotion or to fix it, I teach them not to respond to it until they are in charge. My preschooler calls it “being the boss“ of his anger.

Your kids do it to please you, not because they are developing and inner motivation. You do realise that the pre frontal cortex that regulates our ability to control our emotions is underdeveloped well into young adulthood right? It’s physically impossible for them to do what you describe. It may seem like they are “being the master of their emotions”, but they are just learning to bury the emotion to please you and to be able to leave the time out. That’s being motivated by fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

What? Can you give a real life example of an instance when you’ve told your child that their feelings were false so we can understand what the heck you’re getting at? I’m all about logic but it seems to be missing here.

E.g.: we have a step in the house for time-outs (we don’t spank or send our kids to their room). When they tantrum or scream, they go to the step. There is a self-control button the eldest designed and taped next to the step. The kids’ job is to sit and master the emotion they are feeling until they are able to direct it themselves, until their emotion is subordinate to their will. Children instinctively understand what it’s like to be consumed by an emotion and the practice of being able to master their feelings and not be driven by them is freeing. I don’t ask my kids to sit with an emotion or to fix it, I teach them not to respond to it until they are in charge. My preschooler calls it “being the boss“ of his anger.

Your kids do it to please you, not because they are developing and inner motivation. You do realise that the pre frontal cortex that regulates our ability to control our emotions is underdeveloped well into young adulthood right? It’s physically impossible for them to do what you describe. It may seem like they are “being the master of their emotions”, but they are just learning to bury the emotion to please you and to be able to leave the time out. That’s being motivated by fear.

Young children don’t have any “inner motivations“ separate from their id, in fact pleasing their parents by obeying the rules is how they develop a strong superego and eventually successfully integrate their emotions. You are free to allow your children to be ruled by their emotions until they develop their own motivations (altruistic love? following rules because it feels good? Young children lack the cognitive ability for perspective-taking, so I’m not even sure what inner motivations they might have to follow rules apart from the societal expectation that they should.). My children are happy and well-adjusted, in large part because they have done the hard work of independently dealing with overwhelming emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resilience
Independent
Kind
Healthy habits
Love of life, adventure

These are good ones! Reading through all the posts I think this most closely encapsulates what I want for my kids too.

As an older millennial who resents the stereotypes of my generation, I have to admit that the biggest character flaw I’ve seen play out amongst my mid-30s cohort over the last six months is a complete lack of resilience. So many parents just melting down and having a harder time adapting to life during a pandemic than their young kids. I see endless fatalist attitudes about how six and nine year olds will never catch up or recover from this “gap” in their education etc. etc. and I realize so many of us in the “everyone gets a trophy” generation have no coping skills. I think our kids are naturally resilient and it’s incumbent upon us to nurture that and teach them that adapting and overcoming is a part of life. All the other traits you mention really go hand in hand while leaving the door open for our kids to be who they want to be (ie dreamers or doers, makers or thinkers etc.)

+1. I also think we weren’t raised to accept negative feelings as valid emotions. We want the “bad” to go away now! I try to let my kids sit with their sadness, anger, jealousy and accept those feelings when my parents worked to fix them.

And I’m the opposite and teach my children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. If nothing else, Covid has taught me that people have become utterly incapable of separating their feelings from fact. Our children would benefit enormously from adults who act on sound judgment and have a rudimentary knowledge of logic and rhetoric. The shift away from a classical education has impoverished a generation of parents who cannot separate hysteria from science anymore.

What? Can you give a real life example of an instance when you’ve told your child that their feelings were false so we can understand what the heck you’re getting at? I’m all about logic but it seems to be missing here.

E.g.: we have a step in the house for time-outs (we don’t spank or send our kids to their room). When they tantrum or scream, they go to the step. There is a self-control button the eldest designed and taped next to the step. The kids’ job is to sit and master the emotion they are feeling until they are able to direct it themselves, until their emotion is subordinate to their will. Children instinctively understand what it’s like to be consumed by an emotion and the practice of being able to master their feelings and not be driven by them is freeing. I don’t ask my kids to sit with an emotion or to fix it, I teach them not to respond to it until they are in charge. My preschooler calls it “being the boss“ of his anger.

Why does the kid have to do this alone? How old were they when they started the step treatment? Did you do anything to coach them about “mastering” their emotions other than send then there?

What does the button have to do with this process?

Why do you think this is related to classical education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid being confident - I want someone with no weird fears, someone that can speak to thousands, someone that is bold, someone that can talk to anyone, someone that is not afraid to ask questions.

I might have said this, too, in the past.

Then I had a kid who is naturally shy. Neither my spouse nor I is shy at all. I do tons of public speaking for my job and am have learned to feel comfortable in just about any setting. My spouse has a more solitary job, and is quieter by nature, but not shy -- he is very social and probably the driving force of our family social life because he gets a lot of energy from being around other people an talking to them.

But our kid is shy around other people. Not at home (at all). But at school and when we socialize, she is quiet and a little unsettled by others. She does not speak up a lot or ask a lot of questions -- she tends to save them and then ask us later or share her thoughts with us later. She does have friends at school (just two that I would call actual friends, though she does get along well with most kids) and she tends to become quite attached to her teachers and teacher's aides. So it's not that she can't develop relationships. She's just shy and quiet. It's her nature.

I still worry sometimes that she lacks confidence, but then I see her working away on something, quietly, on her own, and I can see she has a kind of quiet confidence in herself and her own mind that does not translate to being bold with other people. She likes to work things out in her own head before speaking up. She does have some perfectionist tendencies, and we definitely work on those, talking a lot about the importance of trying versus getting something just right, and we always celebrate "successful failures" in our house.

But I no longer feel like she has to be bold, outspoken , or even particularly brave. I think it's more important that she is comfortable in her own skin, that she knows she is loved and appreciated just as she is by her family and friends. I could even see her growing into a leader, if that's what she wants, because her quiet focus can be very inspiring.

Anyway, I would encourage you thing more broadly about what it is to raise confident kids. I thought I wanted my daughter to be bold as well, but I discovered that the world needs all kinds of people, including the quiet and the calm and the soft-spoken. Now my main worry is that the world will not make room for her, and will overlook her gifts, because we are too limited in what we expect of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Young children don’t have any “inner motivations“ separate from their id, in fact pleasing their parents by obeying the rules is how they develop a strong superego and eventually successfully integrate their emotions. You are free to allow your children to be ruled by their emotions until they develop their own motivations (altruistic love? following rules because it feels good? Young children lack the cognitive ability for perspective-taking, so I’m not even sure what inner motivations they might have to follow rules apart from the societal expectation that they should.). My children are happy and well-adjusted, in large part because they have done the hard work of independently dealing with overwhelming emotions.

DP, but anyone sincerely talking about the id and the superego has no clue about child development, and I say that as a psychodynamically-trained psychotherapist.

If you want to know how to help kids learn emotion regulation, read The Whole Brain Child. Attachment and neuroscience! It’s good stuff. Anything by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson is gold, but that one’s the classic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid being confident - I want someone with no weird fears, someone that can speak to thousands, someone that is bold, someone that can talk to anyone, someone that is not afraid to ask questions.

You know this is not related to the other things, correct? I have a terrible fear of spiders but I am an excellent public speaker, I am very bold, I can talk to anyone, and I am never afraid to raise my hand or ask questions. And yet, I'm afraid that spiders will crawl into my ears and lay eggs in my brain while I sleep. Weird fears have nothing to do with being confident.

I’m this poster and fair enough I think I meant to say weird fears about others and in relation to confidence - my sister always says oh they won’t like me or we don’t have to bother them we’ll figure it out ...weird assumptions that aren’t real.

And I get it I have a fear of airplanes lol give me a night in a spiderweb over any minute on a metal tube in the air filled with combustible material.

[Anonymous]

1) kind and inclusive - they are never allowed to tell a child s/he can't play with them
2) love of reading and books

With those two things, they will likely not do harm to the world and perhaps will do some good.

[Anonymous]

Saying no to digital addiction. No to video games. Yes we to physical activity.

It’s getting harder and harder

[Anonymous]

Embracing their individuality, finding their voice and fostering independence.

Pro: happy kids, explore interests in depth, creative. have a sense of autonomy & confidence

Con: From my 4 yr old “I have choices and make my own decisions.”. Re: tooth brushing battle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... (please fill in what is a priority for you raising your children)



For me, I feel strongly about NOT raising narcissists. I push acknowledgment of feelings and empathy. The “rules” apply to us. We are a part of the community.

Responding to OP... I'm genuinely curious, so you think that not following the rules and being more independent and separating yourself from the community is "narcissistic'? I ask because my husband actively teaches our children to question rules, not blindly follow authority, and bonds with the kids over complaining about "stupid rules". Also hates joining anything or doing anything that is part of a group and doing what others are doing. He nurtures more of an independent spirit.

But to answer your question, things I feel strongly about is teaching kindness, courage, respect, and love of learning.